That one “huge mistake”

I want you all to sit where you are, and just picture the first time you really messed up big. You got in the most trouble you had ever been in up until that point, for the very first time in your life. I don’t know what your first big mistake was, but I do know one thing. It doesn’t define you. The first time you make a mistake as a child and you’re reprimanded for your action you feel a twinge of remorse because honestly, you weren’t thinking. You were just doing. I know as we evolve, standards do raise, and we are expected to “think” before we “do,” but I think there is a fault in our system. I think all human beings should be able to accidentally make their first “huge mistake,” and have it erased from history if they so please. The first big mistake you make can cause you to go into emotional turmoil from the embarrassment and realization that it was an idiotic thing you knew you shouldn’t have done. So when authority figures and peers look at you as any lower than they are, it begins to eat away at you even more. One thing I believe our society has really muddled is the reflection onto our own mistakes. Those who are older than you or “wiser” than you pretend to posses the perfect record. They surely have never made a foolish (possibly hormonal) mistake, right? Wrong. We all have made at least one mistake in our life, whether it be monumental or minimal. I know it’s quite taboo this day in age to be open about mistakes or basically anything, but I’ve decided I’m going to share with you my one and only “first huge mistake.”
It’s the part of my “first kiss story” that I had decided to withhold in order to not taint the fondness I had for my first kiss.
Being a young teenage girl who was a little late with experiencing her first kiss (15 or 16 years old that is. It may not seem that old, but trust me, some kids have lost their virginity earlier than that), I was nervous and didn’t want speculation from others during the encounter. Me and my boyfriend of not many days had discussed having our first kiss somewhere where not many people would be watching us. Trust me, if you met the guy, you’d know he’d never hurt a fly… To this day, he is still the sweetest guy I have ever dated. One night when I went to my gym, we saw each other, and hung out for a while. After a while had passed, he ended up betting that if he could beat me at something, I would owe him a kiss. I ended up letting him beat me at the challenge purposefully. We found a room with no one in it, and the whole scene of “my first kiss” unfolded. For those of you who haven’t read it, it wasn’t a very scandalous event. The farthest we went was only making out. Though the making out lasted way longer than we had expected. About twenty minutes to be exact. When we had initially gotten in the room, he had even told me that I didn’t have to kiss him that night if I was too nervous. The silly boy didn’t even know I had purposely lost the bet…
Once we had made it out of the room, I was informed by my sister (who I’m always with), that she and a few friends of mine had not known where I had gone and everybody was looking for me, or to be more exact, they were all looking for me because my dad was going ballistic. He had come to “check up” on my sister and I, and hadn’t known where I had gone, and my sister said that she thought I was in the bathroom. He had her go check the bathroom… And she didn’t find me, so she told him that. So the next thing I knew, I was standing in the hallway, being lectured by my dad about where in the h*ll I was (way worse curse words followed), and then he finally asked me to fill in the blank. Being a freaked out girl who was being lectured in the heart of the entire gym for everyone to see, I tried to cool him down by telling him I was simply “in the bathroom.” Bad idea. He ended up becoming even angrier than before (which brought him to the point of ridiculousness). Eh hem, little teenage me thought he cared about my safety… I was safe! But he didn’t really care. To cut the story short, he ended up lecturing the boy I had kissed and got very pissed off at him (in front of the entire gym as well), and then went on to seek out the strictest manager at the gym and proceeded to tell him that they should monitor those rooms better, and explained all about what had happened in there. So all in all, it was probably the worst night I’ve had. I know now that I shouldn’t have gone into the room to try to have my first kiss, but I was young and stupid. I didn’t think about it. Much like an unsuspecting child that sees a shiny hot stove and wants to touch it, ending up burning themselves from the heat they hadn’t foreseen. Up until that “huge mistake” I had the shiniest record. Not once had I ever done something so “terrible.” Ever since, I have also refrained from acting upon impulse. Yet still to this day, it hasn’t been forgotten. Everyone still remembers it as though it was yesterday. It seems as though I’ll never live down that one “huge mistake.”
Though from that night I have decided to leave it in the minds of the observers to recount, as I just do my best to pretend that it never happened.

I’m in no way trying to justify my stupid hormonal actions, but I do want to leave you all with one thought. Let’s not pass judgement on the young ones (or the old ones) who make one huge mistake. Everybody makes mistakes, and nobody likes living with a burden. Which is why we shouldn’t pain them with the biggest burden of all: guilt.

Actually make that two thoughts. The second being: let’s stop trying to cover up the things we try hardest to keep secret. When you have children of your own, don’t pretend you were perfect in high school or college. Your child wants to know that they are not the only ones who couldn’t maintain a perfect record through the most impulsive period of life.

How kind, yet deprived of intimacy (hey Mr. Nice guy, updated edition: #2)

Just the other day I was watching YouTube videos and came across one pertaining to a view on the Elliot Rodgers case. At that point, I didn’t know the killer by name, and hardly knew details to the story. I became intrigued and urged to learn more about the psyche of this guy since so many cases similar to this have popped up, and have resulted in the deaths of so many innocent beautiful human beings with lives ahead of them, GONE. All because no one has seemed to take the time to further investigate just what is wrong in the lives of these killers. I planned to read the entire 141 page manifesto the killer had written on his life, but after taking a break in between pages to watch all of the YouTube videos he made prior to the killings, I became filled with a chilling feeling. I couldn’t sympathize and give any of my own pity for the killer that also died in the whole ordeal, because he gave himself an entire cake of self pity, homemade truly by him, for him, in the most self indulgent way.
Aside from the whole case though, there was something I wanted to bring to light: if you don’t understand true intimacy, you’re not as nice as you think you are, Mr. Nice Guys out there. I was just talking about the case with someone I knew, and mentioned the killers difficulties with rejection from girls. The guy I knew went on to find commonality with the killer, and mentioned that he too felt that he was always so nice to girls and they never seemed to want him…. Go figure that he’s in a long committed relationship and is inept at even grasping the concept of true intimacy. Maybe that’s the puzzle piece that’s missing from all the guys who can’t understand rejection. It was obvious that the killer didn’t ever care to talk and understand why the girls didn’t like him, he just knew they didn’t like him. Intimacy relies on those two exact things,to ever thrive: talking and understanding. It’s like walking up to a stranger and telling them to have your baby right there and then, because you deserve one, and they can provide it. Eh hem, where is your part in this? How do you deserve to burden this random stranger with carrying your child and giving it to you after the months are over?
Well in my book, that situation is very similar to walking straight up to a girl with the expectations that at that very moment before you even mutter a word or bother to impress her, you already expect her to give herself to you on a silver platter for putting forth any work. She owes you absolutely nothing, and you need to spark the interest inside of her to ever get her attention. Every guy has to do this. Every person has to do this. It’s not just the guys burdened with this, fellas! You only come up to the attractive women that catch your eye due to their confidence or wild/ effervescent personality, right? Us humans are naturally drawn to those who attract us the most, and typically we favor beauty over most underlying things someone may have to offer, because you may not see an outward representation of those things until getting to know a person. But back to my point. Some men may look at the case and sympathize with the killer’s rejection, but what would you do if a girl just like him came up to you? Let’s actually change that. Picture the least desirable woman ever comes up right beside you completely silent, just stares, and then smiles at you. Maybe she makes an advance at you. If you reject her, it’s not because you have bad taste, it’s that you have your taste. We all have our own individual taste.
And much like with taste, we all have our own individual love, and type of person we could envision loving. And even with the people we find attractive and may be our typical type, that doesn’t mean that we’re always going to find love with them!
One last thing. It’s not so nice to resent people for rejecting you when all they’re doing is searching for the one person that clicks with them. Woman and men alike are not searching for just any human being. We’re looking for the companionship of a lifetime, and that begins with being just a little bit picky. If a girl had accepted the killer and had sex with him, but then realized he wasn’t the perfect fit (no innuendo intended), don’t you think he may have killed her for rejecting him after she allowed him to feel that wonderful feeling (innuendo there, now I’m talking about sex) at least once or more? He wouldn’t be able to fathom the idea of accepting someone to realize down the road that you two don’t fit well. In relationships, typically someone feels one way while the other feels another, and that’s why there are break ups… No one is instantly accepted by the first person they date or approach, typically. That’s why the ultimate search for a soul mate may take quite a while, but we’ve got time :). Unless… you’re stupid and you go on a shooting rampage fucking up the lives of a handful of people and more, including yourself.

Society… isn’t it great these days?….