That Damn Gun

Day by day, the gun becomes more appealing. Lately I’ve been ready to shoot. I’ve picked it up very infrequently up until now. Though recently, my hand has had it gently grasped, ready to pull that trigger and kill that figure once and for all. I still don’t want to, but the figure keeps getting closer, making threats, stabbing at my heart, coming close to ripping it out. It would be much simpler to just end its existence, because that seems to be what the figure wants these days. At first I thought the figure wanted to simply provoke a reaction to finally be noticed and re-acknowledged, but since then things have changed with the figure. Assisted suicide. That’s what it wants. Or is it? I’m not quite sure…

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Alone

Nobody knows. It would take attention. Intuition. A moment of not focusing on oneself. There’s beauty in this world, but there’s also an area of darkness that remains inconspicuous to most. No one notices it within others very often. It’s all internal. It’s all in our heads. Well that’s the most dangerous thing for one’s sanity. For their mental health. For their happiness. To continue going on through life, caring about others, wanting to connect to them, needing to connect to them, but not feeling the same care reciprocated. It’s like you’re that cashier that continuously asks distracted customers how they are, and wishing their ungrateful ass a good day when you finish giving them what they bought. You’re left feeling alone, while standing surrounded in a crowded room. You’re never alone in the literal sense, but you’re always alone in reality. Depth doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Intimacy is a rarity. No one knows how to connect anymore… Actually, that’s not true. No one cares. There is a lack of interest. “Focus on someone but myself? Make someone feel valued? Have genuine interest in someone? Pshh that’s too much work, I’ll just let people treat me like some amazing discovery while I remain indifferent towards them.” 

Acknowledgement

A while ago it was brought to my attention that we all are partially lacking in our skills of noticing the tiny details of other people. We focus so much on ourselves, and think about how we are coming across to the world, that we forget the best thing about life. We are on this planet, surrounded by vastly different people in every way. Every single person is an individual puzzle that is impossible to solve, yet that’s the beauty in it all. Sometimes we get lucky, and we find a puzzle we’re enamored with, and addicted to solving. Through this, we end up discovering an amazing attribute we may have never known existed, that lies within in us: selflessness. One thing that bothers me to no end is when we allow ourselves to get so caught up in our own world, that we fail to see the beauty in others. It is possibly one of the most disgusting attributes about humans— our tendency to always focus on ourselves. I just realized as I’m writing this, that that is probably why I dislike writing directly about my everyday life, highlighting every moment that revolves around me. Instead, I just wish to share my thoughts—not to hear myself talk, but in order to put these thoughts on a page so that someone can comment what they think about it.

Back to my point though. What is noticing necessarily? Like if we were to tell someone “I’ve noticed things about you,” what kind of examples would come to mind? Personally, I can only picture someone mentioning tiny quirks in someone’s appearance, or actions, not their mind. Though noticing those physical things is still quite flattering to the person being observed, more mind/ personality centered things would be refreshing. It would urge the subject to question how it is that this person picked up on that— especially when they may not have been aware of it before it was mentioned.

The issue with it all though, is that everyone wants to be the subject of admiration, not the admirer. It takes too much work being the admirer, so why not let the compliments and observations revolve around you. The thing is that if this is your mentality, you most likely don’t have much about you to be discovered. I’ve found that the most fascinating and interesting people are the ones in tune with others, and focus on things outside of themselves. It appears that the more you focus on everyone but yourself, the greater you become as a result. Not necessarily doing things for others, but just taking the time to get to know them, to observe them, to notice them.

FiltersĀ 

A while back, I thought about how we all view each other and the world from our eyes, but the image is masked by our own personal filter. Like on an Instagram picture, you can increase or decrease an image’s beauty based on the filter you use, and sometimes a filter is unnecessary. Let’s discuss those images that unluckily get stuck with the wrong filter. We are the pictures, how others view us are the filters. Sometimes we can determine an initial filter that we hope to present, but these filters find themselves altered by those around us. The beauty that is hidden with the wrong filter can be monumental. For example, say there was this wonderful person. They’re vibrant, bubbly, flirtatious, and a bit sarcastic at times (but only in good fun). There’s the overwhelmed filter: the way someone would view this person, because they don’t enjoy the energy they bring, and feel it disrupts the peace. Then we have the insecure filter: this perception is a result of the person feeling as though any random sentence spoken is directly targeted at them in a negative way, all of the time. Then we have the jealous filter: this one results from envying this person’s ability to attract attention and admiration. Then we have the no filter option: the person is seen for exactly who they are. Then there is the magnified filter: this view comes from a deep admiration for the person. They accept them for who they are, and go beyond even that, by appreciating these characteristics for the personality they comprise.Typically the filters we have for viewing others are a reflection of our best and worst qualities. If we’re insecure, we are unnecessarily hateful. If we’re sad, we’re negative, or apathetic. If we’re too analytical, we see the world from a clinical kind of perspective. If we’re content, we see people for who they are. If we’re high on life, we see the beautiful traits in others, and celebrate the unique qualities they possess. These aren’t only ways we view people, but also how we view our own lives and the things that surround us.

So take a moment next time you sense you’re being overly negative about another person, and contemplate whether or not that same filter is the one you use to view your life.

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

My own personal honesty outlet

Many of you have possibly noticed that I talk a lot about my feelings and emotions in my posts, sometimes to ridiculous extents. It is because I view my blog as something to be even realer and rawer than a personal journal. When I write about my negative, positive, or ambivalent thoughts, I’m sharing them to release them and feel them, not to deny them. When I mention people who I’ve come into contact with, that may have rubbed me the wrong way, blogging about it is an instinct, second to telling them how I felt. Now many of you may instantly assume it is because I wish to slander them, but it honestly is nothing close to that. When you share things in a public setting like a blog, you allow others to comment and correct you if you are wrong. Putting my thoughts out there is my way of asking the world to give me their feedback. If I write about an instance in which someone did something to offend me, I could be totally overreacting, I could be missing a perspective that would give me proper insight into their actions towards me. I don’t paint myself, nor those who I write about in a false light, I show us for exactly who we are. I don’t embellish, and in fact, I try to decipher what could have led to their actions towards me, or others around me. With that being said, I also write about the experiences that sting to think about, because although they’re not pleasant, they are a part of me. All of my thoughts and experiences are here for me to judge as well, but also to accept them, rather than regret them.

Now although I write these things with the expectation that there could be negative and positive feedback for consideration, I would also like to let you all know this: I will take every comment on my actions/ thoughts into consideration, but that won’t always lead to me changing who I am at the core. Though I tend to prefer seeing things from all sides, there are certain things that though I can imagine the reasoning of the opposing perspective, I choose to take the other side. Now I take this approach knowing very well that everyone around me may choose to do the same when taking sides on an issue, and we may not always agree. Like I said in my post “Pick and choose I will,” I don’t think anyone has the perfect formula of perspectives, morals, and rules for life. I don’t think it’s possible to narrow it down to a specific set of beliefs, because we are all such unique individuals. So I expect dissonance with others, when it comes to thoughts and beliefs about certain things.

I’ll give you a little insight into why I’m opposed to specific things. My opposition is spurred when the other side possesses any of these core qualities: inequality, dishonesty, deceit, spite, hate, insecurity, greed, fear, control, ignorance, disrespect, promiscuity, superficiality, narcissism, etc.

Though, when I don’t agree with someone on something they believe/ do that goes against these things, I don’t judge or attempt to tell them to discontinue living with those beliefs, I just tell them my perspective on it, and whether or not they choose to change their ways, or enlighten me as to how it doesn’t possess those qualities I mentioned above, is up to them. Don’t get me wrong on one thing: I will consider shifting my view on something if convinced thoroughly, but typically I’ve already considered the arguments given on each issue I have taken one side on. I can be friends with people who have opposing beliefs, but I can’t always be as close to them as they may wish. I used to know a Scorpio as you all know. Let me tell you a few things about this Scorpio. He smoked weed daily for about two years (before I knew him. He smoked infrequently by the time I knew him, but it was apparent that he had smoked heavily in the past), dabbled with other drugs, cussed, skateboarded, liked physics, had a crush on me (at one point he told me he loved me. I’ll be elaborating on that later in this post), didn’t really respect authority, and was a very deep thinking individual.

To anyone who knows me very well, it was both perplexing, yet understandable as to why he and I, despite our intrinsic differences, connected and understood one another as much as we did. We were both very honest with one another from the start, about anything to do with our past, or what we were going through at the time (good or bad). It was the deepest friendship I’ve ever had with anyone, boyfriends included. Now many of you may ask “why didn’t it ever progress into something romantic, if you two connected as much as you say?” Well that’s the reason I’ve included this elaboration of that friendship in this particular post. This is to show you how I got extremely close to someone who I didn’t share some core beliefs with.

Though I appear to promote a bit of rebellion in my posts, I don’t display that rebellion through my actions in the way you’d expect. I’ve never experimented with drugs in the slightest, I’ve had alcohol once in my life (whiskey in some coffee in Ireland), I don’t smoke, and I’ve never done anything illegal.

My reasons for not smoking, drinking, or doing drugs is mainly based on the fact that they are illegal, but also beyond that one element. None of these things improve your body, for the most part, they only degrade it (ok, maybe medical marijuana can help people, and perhaps a glass of red wine a day is good for your health). These things also lend themselves to becoming addictions. Yes, I know that people can become addicted to unhealthy foods, and caffeine just the same, but people have chosen to cut even these legal addictions out of their lives.

It’s not simply the laws that cause me to be opposed to drugs, smoking, and drinking. It’s the dependency, and disregard that can come along with it. Many people can look at an overweight person and recognize that their reliance on food to make them feel better is unhealthy, but it’s not always as easy for the smoker, stoner, or alcoholic to use the same logic when viewing their addiction. They claim it relieves stress (which I don’t doubt), and that they have control over their need for it. The difference between food and caffeine versus the other addictions, is that they don’t affect those around you. When you smoke around others, you expose them to secondhand smoke. When you’re stoned, you expose them to an altered version of you. When you’re wasted, you expose others to an uninhibited, unpredictable you.

When I’m with someone, I want to be with them, not a drugged up, boozed up version of them. This Scorpio friend of mine didn’t ever seem to be high around me, but the thing that unnerved me was that I didn’t have any way to tell since the way his eyes were held, the way he spoke, and his body language, were all slightly altered from his stoner days, so it was impossible to tell. Let alone the fact that I have never been high myself, nor have I been around many high people since it truly isn’t my scene, so I didn’t know the signs of someone being high very well.

The true issue was that even though he and I understood each other very well, he didn’t see those differences in beliefs as a problem, when I did. I can see how he didn’t have a problem with it though, because he didn’t care if I was a stoner type, and he actually seemed to be attracted to me even though in retrospect, I embodied the polar opposite of his lifestyle.

Like I said in my last post about him though, he found a girl that is like him, which to me seems like the far better option. Yes it may suck that things don’t work out romantically with some people because we have different value sets, but I think in a way it protects the connection from being tainted by the results of a failed relationship that could have been prevented. In his last text/ letter to me, he said he still loved me. Now many of you may not understand how someone could love a person they have never been romantically involved with in a romantic way, but in this situation, even though things never progressed farther than friendship, I can see how it is possible since we shared an intimacy that was deeper than some people who date one another.

If you do drugs, smoke, drink, sleep around, or have a belief that possess the qualities I mentioned above, you most likely won’t have my heart or my body, but you will have my friendship. I may even write about you on my blog (don’t worry, I’ll be nice). I will always have a spot in my heart for the ones I connected with, but didn’t share a romantic relationship with, but they’ll always remain at a loving arms length.

Ehhh

Apathy and despair. Such attractive qualities, right? These kinds of people dampen the room faster than a broken dam, and make you feel all kinds of wonderful negative feelings. You become bored from the silence that ensues while they silently sulk. You give up when you attempt to sooth their fragile, secret emotions by asking them what’s bothering them. They’ll never tell you what you did, or what’s going on with them, but they’ll sure as hell judge you for not being a mind reader and accommodating to them. They’re the life of the party when they’re happy, but the second their mood begins to drop, people better direct their attention to assisting them back to their manic happiness state. The best part is, sometimes it’s not even your fault, and they’re being a sulky turd just for the hell of it. You talk to the brick wall for a few moments, and then realize it’s no use. The tension of silence covers the room like a looming storm, ready to strike lightning at anyone who dares to disrupt with an honest comment on their ineffective coping method.        Enough about these people though, let’s dig into the real problem here. Passive aggressive, judgmental, cowardly methods of dealing with situations. When a situation arises that causes you to feel upset, the worst thing to do, is to wallow in it. Sure it may get you a lot of attention and sympathy, but it doesn’t spur you to grow more as a person. When you are honest and upfront with others in a calm manner, you show far more poise and confidence within yourself, than you ever could by just playing the victim card. Your method may assist you in making others look bad because they’re not attentive to your needs, but that doesn’t build you up as a person, that just calls others to rescue you because you’re unable to cope with anything. 

     Timidity vs competence. Timidity is nearly as frustrating as the traits mentioned above. Such as questioning yourself, and lacking the intuition to make executive decisions on how you’ll approach a situation. This causes you to leech onto others, hoping they’ll guide you, and make the decisions for you. Yet again, this prevents personal growth. There is no effort made by the timid person to become more confident, and competent with their abilities and actions. To continue being timid would be robbing yourself of all of the opportunities life has to offer to strengthen yourself as an individual. Though it may not seem like it, there is slight timidity in the very first scenario I mentioned. But it translates into a more apathetic form of timidity.

       Now a lot of you may be reading this, confused as to what direction these thoughts are leading, and how they arose in such a random fashion. There was no particular order for these traits, but there was one common theme that I’d like to conclude with. All of these traits belong to ineffective, negative, draining, insecure, and unhealthy people. Though it may appear that I’m stating the obvious, I don’t think many people are able to take notice of when the people they’re surrounded by are acting in such a way, when its occurring. What I hope you all get from this, is simply a bit of reflection of those around you. I’m not saying to drop them from your lives, because that’s a bad approach in itself, but I am going to say this: identify what kind of energy those close to you, are exuding. Though some may preach that if you’re centered yourself, you should be able to handle all energies, good and bad without them affecting you, I have to disagree. You have the ability to guard against these negative energies to an extent, but they’re surely not the energies you should be approving of. Don’t attempt to change the person, just enlighten them to how their negative outlook and vibe, affect you in an adverse manner. You can suggest a different approach to handling their emotions, so that they exude vibes that strengthen the relationship and cause you to both feel uplifted by the bond and interaction. Though in the end, it’s ultimately up to the person to change their ways to better themselves as an individual.