Don’t Fret

My body is at peace, my soul is in turmoil. Yet my soul is responsible for bringing my body the amount of nourishment it needs. I am not starving. My soul is preoccupied, and so therefore my body forgets the hunger. It doesn’t kill me. If anything, this is the medicine it needs. To truly desire the nourishment my body truly craves is a wonderful feeling. Here I am, all too often left even more indulged than I ever wanted. I feel uncomfortably full. I don’t like that feeling. So when my mind tells my body it is time to take a break from the nourishment, maybe it is trying to get my body to feel again. That overwhelmingly full feeling suppresses the satisfaction. It dampens the enjoyment of a perfect meal. 

It’s not premeditated, it is simply forgetfulness. It is quite interesting that now is the time you feel the need to worry. Please don’t fret over me. I am handling myself. In fact, nothing is truly the matter at the moment. If something were, you wouldn’t have a clue. No one ever does. Though that is ok. I don’t need the council of others to help me back up when I am down. I’ve learned to deal with it on my own. If anything, handling it alone in a quiet room with some space to think and write is all I need to get back on track. If anything, all the worried words makes it worse. Remember how when you’d fall as a child, it wasn’t the pain itself that startled you, it was the gasps and worried eyes of those around you. The pain wasn’t even noticeable until it was brought to your attention. It prompts me to ask myself “is there something I should be upset about? Am I anorexic because I forgot a meal yesterday, then the next, decided I would prefer to stay in and eat a little less than an “adequate” meal?” No, it doesn’t. I am aware of how my emotions affect me, and it is simply the tunnel vision on my tasks that has me like this. Yes, I was feeling upset the other night and there are still some residual feelings, but it isn’t like these feelings weren’t present before. They have been going on for quite a while now, you just now got a glimpse of them. I didn’t intend to give you a preview of them, it just happened as a result of my will weakening. I didn’t have the energy to put on a fake facade that night.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever written about my opinions on advice. Though, no matter if I have or not, here is the updated version of what I feel about the topic. Recently I have come to realize that the more “advice” I get on how to live my life, the less I feel like those around me truly understand. I have made decisions based on my own intuition this far, and I have done quite well. I know what I can handle, I know what’s best for me, and I want to be in charge of what I do and do not regret. I feel like advice is a flowery word to mask what it truly is: others interjecting their opinion and judgement on the situation, not their understanding, and not their support.

A while ago, someone asked me if I had to pick between two extremes, which would I chose: a person who is constantly in my business, asking what’s wrong, giving advice, and being “there for me,” or someone who recedes for a while and allows me to be alone to handle my emotions on my own. At first I thought I would want the first, because I wouldn’t want the second who would “abandon” me when things got tough. Now that i think about it, I would choose the latter, because advice that lacks perspective is worse than no advice at all. Though, I’ve found that I prefer a silent presence over all. Someone I want around, who will just lay with me as I think about what’s on my mind.

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Some words

Sometimes life happens and you feel yourself get swept away in the tide of everyday activities and interactions. You see the crash and fall of the waves, but sometimes you don’t feel them like you naturally would. Something’s on your mind. Your thoughts can’t help but wander. Where do they wander? Is it to thoughts of a significant other? A new romantic interest? Is it that old flame that still burns and singes your soul? Is it wandering to thoughts of finding that thing called love that everyone talks so fondly about? They wander everywhere. Currently stuck on the beautiful idea of a twin flame. “What is a twin flame?” It is a concept that can give you hope or break you down entirely. To those who haven’t found a remarkable spark with anyone, the idea that a greater connection and love brings happiness to them—also alluding to the fact that they haven’t lost their shot yet. Some have love and lost— sometimes they just so happen to lose their twin flame. How would they lose it if it is an even stronger bond/ connection/ passion than a soulmate, you ask? Well you never truly lose it— it becomes unavailable, unattainable, too difficult to hold onto. Not every lost twin flame is gone forever, but sometimes it appears that way. It all comes down to the two individuals who share that connection. Are you stubborn? Are you foolish enough to let your twin flame walk even farther out of your life while you’re settling for a lesser passion? Are you scared? Are you too blind to see that you’re losing them day by day? Are you too heartbroken to give it another shot? If so, you might just lose them. It is a little difficult to continue to try when the odds are against you. History is made, and sometimes bridges are burned. Sometimes those pained goodbyes are final. It’s not because neither of you feel anything for each other anymore— you might feel everything, but you’ll never tell…

The other day I watched a movie that portrayed this kind of connection. They broke up because it was necessary, not because the love had faded. It never faded, even after 20 years of being apart. They still thought of one another after all of that time had passed. When they saw each other after all of those years, the connection, the passion, the yearning for one another still remained. It’s not the conversations they had, or the things that they shared in common, or the things they knew about one another. It was the need to be next to one another, with no clear reason. It is the desire to see and talk to that soul, because it is the only one yours finds effortless comfort with. They craved each other’s bodies– not because their bodies were perfectly toned and proportioned, but because that body belonged to the soul they couldn’t bare to live without.

Of course the movie didn’t end well…. I just so happened to conveniently remember towards the end, that the writer of the story is notorious for creating sad movies involving deaths to induce tears and despair in the viewer.

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

Timing 

I was just brought through a whirlwind of unpleasant emotions while watching a movie…. You know when you continue to root for two people to end up together, but the timing is always off for them? Well just picture having that feeling 3 or more times within the span of a hour or so. The reason I say multiply it, is because this movie would arouse the feeling, satiate you with a new love interest for each character, then arouse the feeling again, next they leave you feeling despair and giving up on rooting for the couple, arouse the feeling once more, and then give you a yearning hope for a bit longer, because of course at this point it must be inevitable that they end up together. They did… Thank god… The emotional investment into their romance/ friendship was too much to go through to not have a happy ending. 
I know some of you may be shaking your heads at how caught up in the movie I got, but I swear, it was all too similar to the poor timing we all witness/ go through throughout our lives with potential romantic partners. 
It’s torture to see two people who have an intrinsic connection, a core understanding of one another, and a mutual attraction, just skirting around the issue (liking one another), end up with other people as a result. I know that it’s tempting to wait for the perfect moment or the most romantic way to approach telling someone you have romantic feelings for them. Or possibly, you want to skip over the mundane profession of like, and wait for the perfect moment to kiss them in a manner that conveys all that you feel towards them/ the feeling you get when you’re around them. 
I understand that that is what we all strive for: the moment. When it doesn’t have to be put out there before you are sure they feel the same. It would be a wonderful thing if we could all get the timing down to a T. For two amazing people who have spectacular chemistry to find the moment where their interest in one another is in sync, and they can just sense it. Then you have the moment, and you both feel the magnetic connection you share. You both lean in, and passionately express the pent up desire you have for one another.
That’s the dream, but sadly it’s not always the case. We wait eagerly for the moment, but we get scared and don’t act on it. We fear rejection, so we hold off a little longer. That little longer turns into too long. You share the connection forever, but if you give them any doubt, you may loose your chance. We live in a world where spectacular people are hard to come by, and additionally, they’re typically taken by another spectacular person. Although sometimes we’re lucky enough to find these people while they’re being their amazing selves as a single unit for the time being. Maybe they’ve decided to hold off for someone just like your self. You’ll never know if you don’t cherish this lull in their pursuit for a relationship with someone other than yourself. It will be too late, and perhaps you’ll turn out to be one of two spectacular people they know after that “little longer” you’ve created for yourself is over with. 
Now I’m not saying that each outstanding individual you meet will flit quickly from one romantic interest to the next, but I will tell you this. If you see the spark in their eye that lights up your universe during your time together, chances are others see that spark as well. If you notice how stunningly unique this individual is, in both mind and body, chances are others see it too. Now what is the secret to preserving your moment with them? Show them your spark, and remind them of your existence. Continue to present yourself with opportunities to add on to the connection you both know you have. 
I know we all see yearning and poor timing as romantic in movies because we know they have to end up with one another, but it’s not always as apparent in real life. Sometimes both people don’t recognize an amazing connection until it’s too late. 
Although there’s only a few spectacular people in the world, there’s even less spectacular people’s whose soul resonates with yours. When you find yourself in tune with another, don’t let yourself loose that, because that kind of thing doesn’t come along all too often. 

#2 “if I were a guy”: look at me dammit

#2 “if I were a guy”: look at me dammit.
I continued to talk to the same “cutie with the eyes,” and sadly found more points on how I would woo me better.
I know a lot of us are shy as hell around people we find intimidating, attractive, or someone we like, but there is a certain point where you should at the very least try to have a few lingering stares amidst the conversation.
So “cutie with the eyes” and I were talking. He appeared either nervous or just clueless, and we were having a conversation while sitting beside each other, but we never made eye contact.
So here is what I would have done as the guy nervous as hell to maintain eye contact:
• face your fears. Attempt to make eye contact at the very least.
• stare into the person’s eyes for a few seconds at a time to get acclimated to it.
• get up the guts to just admit that you need a little help because you can’t seem to maintain eye contact even when you want to because you’re so nervous.
• challenge the person to a staring contest. You must stare into their eyes to know when they blink.

Hopefully a guy who can’t seem to maintain eye contact can benefit from these tips. The staring contest would be a sure fire way to create a more relaxed playful competitive vibe.
Not maintaining eye contact could be one of the reasons she doesn’t go on a date with you, or doesn’t even choose to remain friends.

“If I were a guy”: talking etiquette 101

Prelude to the beginning of a series of blogs: “If I were a guy.”

So many times I have uttered the words “if I were a guy,” and then I continued on explaining out loud how a guy could totally woo me given the same scenarios they have found themselves in with me, and explain that if I were a guy I would’ve been able to snag someone (or at least someone like me) perfectly in that precise situation.
I give all these in depth tips, but I never write them down or do anything to preserve the ideas once they’re out of my mind.
I’m going to start shifting the main focus on my blog to the blog series “If I were a guy.” I will have a regular blog posting every so often, and this time it will actually have some type of theme and direction. I hope you all find it entertaining, helpful, or at the very least enjoyable.
Random thought: I just realized that I hardly use the word enjoyable, enjoy, and other forms of that word… I should really use it more often as an alternative to like.

#1 “if I were a guy”: talking etiquette 101.
Let’s begin at the very first spark of inspiration I had for this series. At the beginning of the semester I met “the cutie with the eyes.”
Here’s what he did right:
• He was mysterious.
• He wasn’t overtly thirsty (for those of you who don’t know what thirsty means, it basically means desperate, or ready to fool around with any willing body).
• He just kept to himself and stayed focused on studying.
• He had a calm presence.

Now the first interaction was good because he left himself as an intriguing mystery to me.

Then we began talking through text between when we’d see each other… And that’s where people can make their biggest mistakes and lose the person they’re after.
The question game (or 21 questions, or whatever you may call it) is a great game, don’t get me wrong, but it needs to be used sparingly.

What I would have done in the situation, if I were a guy:
• I would have started it of with possibly a explanation of how I found the certain person interesting and wanted to get to know them better, and maybe throw in even a non sexual compliment (e. g. you have such beautiful eyes. It may be a little bit of a come on, but it’s far more different than calling the new friend of yours beautiful or pretty, running the risk that they don’t find you as attractive as you find them), or some kind of unique compliment they may have never heard before
• I would have asked to play the question game, but I would make sure I never said the horrible line “you can go first.” I feel that in a situation like this, if you begin to pursue a girl, don’t throw all the work on her to get it rolling and expect it to actually prosper. She may not even be sure about you. So take the initiative and lead.
• Once the question game got rolling I would focus in on the things I gathered from what I asked, and I would try and talk about those things so that we can talk on a more personal level rather than an interview style where there are mainly questions and less discussion.
• I would leave keeping them feel intrigued, not at a low point where they leave the conversation desperate to get away because they’re so bored.

And that my dear readers, is what I would do “if I were a guy”.

More random things in my life

I have realized I have now created a pattern for myself. Right when someone breaks up with me, the next day, someone I am interested in always asks me out! So I go from breaking up with someone, strait to another relationship in a matter of days. The thing is, I don’t even give guys an inch of interest during that time, cuz I’m still in the break up mindset. But they always ask me out. If I wasn’t asked out by the guys I’m interested in, I’d be the type of person who would actually stay single for a while. Honestly though, with my track record, I think it’s impossible. I guess I’m to flirty without thinking about it, so when guys hear I’m single they decide to take a chance and ask me out. I don’t know…haha.

Another thing my lovely followers, and random passers bye. I have come to find in my few relationships that sometimes you can be with a person and think you know them, but you may not. You may think someone loves you because they say so, they may not. We all are constantly evolving as people, and sometimes our emotions and feelings decide to change to. Which results in changed feelings for someone you may have initially though you loved. We think that we know how to guard our heart, but we usually don’t. We think we’re intuitive and know if someone is genuine or fake. I don’t think we can ever see or predict how relationships will be. That’s why I believe we all might as well love with the fullest capacity of ours hearts. Although, these realizations also make me realize that as a virgin, if you think the person you give your virginty to will be with you forever, you may be wrong. Adding that aspect into it all brings about an even bigger let down. By doing that, you were vulnerable in every way. Only you know your own true intentions. The people we come across on life know their intentions as well, but we can never be sure that we truly know what theirs are. On the contrary, the people around you don’t know why your intentions are either. Moral of the story: give your heart to everyone you meet, not your V card. Your heart may hurt emotionally from a breakup, but losing your V card hurts in all ways.

Goodnight my readers. I must go to sleep, because my eyes are closing at this very second :p haha.