Unfounded Disdain

     You stare contemptuously, letting the hate eat away at what remains of your character. All that lies before you is filthy, ridiculous, and unloveable. Unfortunately, that is an incorrect conclusion. What lies before you is the perfect example of care, humanity, and kindness. All that has been exemplified by that form in front of you is nothing but pure humanity, and you view it with the utmost disgust.

    That’s where we falter. We see all the flaws immediately, sometimes never acknowledging those qualities that embody true perfection, true admirability. It perpetuates a vicious cycle of hate and creates an absence of appreciation. It is one thing to let these negative thoughts and comments silently ruminate in one’s mind, it’s another to continuously voice them aloud to taint the current rapport.

     The most unexpected things occur when one spreads love rather than hate. One receives love back, the world becomes a better place to live in. It’s miraculous to see the results and watch happiness and love spark from every action, setting the world ablaze to create a bonfire of positivity. Soon all the flaws are unique features we’ve never seen. Those actions of ridiculousness, imperfection, lack of attention that causes us to stumble, are the pieces of humanity that spill out of us to signify to others that no one is perfect. While simultaneously discovering that it is this same quality of imperfection that leads one to claim that the one they love is perfect.

Moments

Sometimes I wish I could know if you look at me the same way I look at you: with permanent rose colored glass, only able to see the beauty and perfection that lies inside you. Every ounce of your being equating to just enough to satisfy all of my senses. To look at you, and think, will I ever stop falling in love with every single detail? The tiny gap between your teeth. The way your lips and teeth meet. The contrast between the flatness of your teeth, and the puffiness of your lips making your lips appear all that more appealing. The way your eyes look when just your gaze exudes how much you desire my body, but also the way they look when your emotions soften, and you pull me to you.
How the hair on every inch of your body reminds me that you’re rugged and masculine, just the way I like it. How it feels when you display your desire in one single embrace.
But sometimes it is not so easy to convey just how precious a moment feels. Sometimes words don’t do moments justice.

Acknowledgement

A while ago it was brought to my attention that we all are partially lacking in our skills of noticing the tiny details of other people. We focus so much on ourselves, and think about how we are coming across to the world, that we forget the best thing about life. We are on this planet, surrounded by vastly different people in every way. Every single person is an individual puzzle that is impossible to solve, yet that’s the beauty in it all. Sometimes we get lucky, and we find a puzzle we’re enamored with, and addicted to solving. Through this, we end up discovering an amazing attribute we may have never known existed, that lies within in us: selflessness. One thing that bothers me to no end is when we allow ourselves to get so caught up in our own world, that we fail to see the beauty in others. It is possibly one of the most disgusting attributes about humans— our tendency to always focus on ourselves. I just realized as I’m writing this, that that is probably why I dislike writing directly about my everyday life, highlighting every moment that revolves around me. Instead, I just wish to share my thoughts—not to hear myself talk, but in order to put these thoughts on a page so that someone can comment what they think about it.

Back to my point though. What is noticing necessarily? Like if we were to tell someone “I’ve noticed things about you,” what kind of examples would come to mind? Personally, I can only picture someone mentioning tiny quirks in someone’s appearance, or actions, not their mind. Though noticing those physical things is still quite flattering to the person being observed, more mind/ personality centered things would be refreshing. It would urge the subject to question how it is that this person picked up on that— especially when they may not have been aware of it before it was mentioned.

The issue with it all though, is that everyone wants to be the subject of admiration, not the admirer. It takes too much work being the admirer, so why not let the compliments and observations revolve around you. The thing is that if this is your mentality, you most likely don’t have much about you to be discovered. I’ve found that the most fascinating and interesting people are the ones in tune with others, and focus on things outside of themselves. It appears that the more you focus on everyone but yourself, the greater you become as a result. Not necessarily doing things for others, but just taking the time to get to know them, to observe them, to notice them.

Lethargy 

I feel tired, I want to sleep, my motivation is ceasing, and all I can think of is how this isn’t me. I haven’t been me for a while… Not just a few weeks, but for months, I’ve been some other person. I’ve lost the part of me that I love. To some it may seem trivial, it may appear to be lust, or come across as petty that something as simple as earthly desires occupies my mind so frequently. I apologize, it’s just something that never leaves my mind. For the longest time, I was free, I shared affection with those around me, and I loved life. When I’d become exclusive with someone, I’d easily turn people down, but still maintain a sincere friendship with them. The reason I turned them down so easily is not because I felt I had to or that they weren’t perfect in their own way, but because I was perfectly content in my current lover’s arms. When I’m in love I feel whole. Not because I need someone else to be complete. I don’t need someone to be happy. It’s the fact that I can express a part of me that is otherwise left unrevealed. I’m very affectionate. Not just your typical huggy, cuddly type, but even more. When I kiss your lips, I want to sense every part of your mouth. How you taste, how your lips feel pressed against mine, your breath. When I kiss your neck as I straddle your lap, I am in my most comfortable state. The action of kissing your neck is very enjoyable, but it’s not even just that. It’s watching you tilt your neck to expose more skin for my lips to devour. It’s hearing a groan escape your lips. Feeling you relax and enjoy every sensation. As I trail kisses up your neck and reach your ear lobe, I love the shift in reaction. To me, your ear lobe is perfect. It’s soft and adorable and fun to nibble on. For you, this simple, innocent part of your body contains nerve endings that somehow send pleasure throughout your body. There’s something about such an innocent body part providing you with pleasure that makes me happy. I love to run my hands through your hair and hold your head in my hands not only because I know it feels nice, but also because feeling your hair in my hands makes me content. It’s soft and perfect, and smells like you. When I sink my body into yours as I grind into you, I don’t simply enjoy the act just because it’s turning me on. I like to grind into you, to bring my body closer to yours, so that I can get as close to you as possible. I want to feel every inch of you pressed up against me, because to me, you are perfection. Perhaps I’ll finish the list of sexual acts at a later date, but for now, this will do. My point is, affection is one of my main modes of self expression. It makes me feel more like myself. I haven’t truly touched someone without inhibitions in a very long time. Just like in other aspects of my life, I’m quite particular and meticulous when it comes to choosing who I touch, simply because touch means so much to me. I don’t waste my time all too often, cuddling, kissing, or hugging the wrong people. When I like you, it means something, it doesn’t happen that often. So far, my methods have worked, I’ve never regretted a single touch. I wish to continue this way, but I’m not so sure how long I can hold off. I miss it. That human to human contact that reminds us of what it’s like to be alive. The foreign feeling of a first kiss with someone new. 

Some words

Sometimes life happens and you feel yourself get swept away in the tide of everyday activities and interactions. You see the crash and fall of the waves, but sometimes you don’t feel them like you naturally would. Something’s on your mind. Your thoughts can’t help but wander. Where do they wander? Is it to thoughts of a significant other? A new romantic interest? Is it that old flame that still burns and singes your soul? Is it wandering to thoughts of finding that thing called love that everyone talks so fondly about? They wander everywhere. Currently stuck on the beautiful idea of a twin flame. “What is a twin flame?” It is a concept that can give you hope or break you down entirely. To those who haven’t found a remarkable spark with anyone, the idea that a greater connection and love brings happiness to them—also alluding to the fact that they haven’t lost their shot yet. Some have love and lost— sometimes they just so happen to lose their twin flame. How would they lose it if it is an even stronger bond/ connection/ passion than a soulmate, you ask? Well you never truly lose it— it becomes unavailable, unattainable, too difficult to hold onto. Not every lost twin flame is gone forever, but sometimes it appears that way. It all comes down to the two individuals who share that connection. Are you stubborn? Are you foolish enough to let your twin flame walk even farther out of your life while you’re settling for a lesser passion? Are you scared? Are you too blind to see that you’re losing them day by day? Are you too heartbroken to give it another shot? If so, you might just lose them. It is a little difficult to continue to try when the odds are against you. History is made, and sometimes bridges are burned. Sometimes those pained goodbyes are final. It’s not because neither of you feel anything for each other anymore— you might feel everything, but you’ll never tell…

The other day I watched a movie that portrayed this kind of connection. They broke up because it was necessary, not because the love had faded. It never faded, even after 20 years of being apart. They still thought of one another after all of that time had passed. When they saw each other after all of those years, the connection, the passion, the yearning for one another still remained. It’s not the conversations they had, or the things that they shared in common, or the things they knew about one another. It was the need to be next to one another, with no clear reason. It is the desire to see and talk to that soul, because it is the only one yours finds effortless comfort with. They craved each other’s bodies– not because their bodies were perfectly toned and proportioned, but because that body belonged to the soul they couldn’t bare to live without.

Of course the movie didn’t end well…. I just so happened to conveniently remember towards the end, that the writer of the story is notorious for creating sad movies involving deaths to induce tears and despair in the viewer.

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

Oxcytocin 

The other day I made a list of the things that make me happy. At the moment it is small, but I’m going to continue to add things when they come to mind. One actually just came to mind, but it may or may not be the subject of this post: indulging in physical affection. In my definition, physical affection can range from cuddling, kissing, fondling (ehh that’s a strange word, let’s go with groping), making out, etc. All of these things bring me a lot of happiness, because they’re very fun… As humans, we crave these things… Generally… And when we’re deprived of them, we begin to feel withdrawal. Well I do at least…

Currently my oxytocin levels are dropping quickly, and I’m beginning to feel the affects. Though I would love to be indulging in this side of me way more than I have been for the past few months, I think the fast from the physical part of relationships is good for me in a way. Lately I’ve felt my senses are heightened, and I believe there may be a correlation between the two. I’m not sure how many of you have used this particular object, but I’m going to use it as an example anyway… You know those head massaging things? They tickle like crazy, and the sensation is kind of orgasmic? Well I’m not sure how many of you overdosed on the feeling of the thing until you nearly desensitized yourself from it… But I almost did. So going with that thought, I think that indulging in physical desires too much can cause the sensations to eventually dull into a numb feeling. Though, if you reverse that, and deprive yourself from physical desires for a while, I think you’re more sensitive to even the slightest touch. When I say my sensations are heightened, I also mean my hearing, and every other sense I have (smelling, sight, etc), along with touch. A few weeks ago, one night, I was laying in bed in total darkness, watching a thunderstorm. I may or may not have written about this… my memory is failing me. While I was listening, seeing, and sensing every action of the storm, my senses were going crazy. Every inch of my body reacted to the sight and sound of the lightning, thunder, and rain. It was quite miraculous how such a simple storm could evoke such a reaction from my body. 

Though I love having such heightened senses, I would risk lowering them for a nice dose of oxytocin. I watched my favorite movie today called “how to lose a guy in ten days,” and it reminded me of just how amazing physical affection is. When watching this movie, I was reminded of the electric passion in a kiss, the connection that occurs as two tongues dance with one another, intermingling, bringing both a euphoric sensation as the dance goes on. How a simple embrace can cause you to melt into one another, feeling every inch of each other’s bodies pressed against each other, begging to be closer. How a gaze can elicit desire and interest, without a word needing to be spoken. And how the sensation of your lover’s lips running along your skin can drive your senses wild. 
Well, looks like physical affection became the topic. Though all I was aiming to do, was to mention those two things that make me happy. The first being physical affection, and the second is watching chick flicks/ my favorite movie (how to lose a guy in 10 days). 

Explicit 

DISCLAIMER: For those of you who heavily participate in bdsm, or for those of you who don’t condone any activity of the sort, I don’t claim to be an expert on the topic, so take all that I say with a grain of salt. This is just me rambling about bdsm, based on the knowledge I have gathered. 
      As a result of the controversial movie “fifty shades of grey,” people have been acquainted with a new genre of sex (if they hadn’t heard of it beforehand): bdsm. Hopefully, those who had already been acquainted before the movie could identify between real abuse and actual bdsm, which involves “scenes.” Before I go into this topic fully, I’ll define the acronym for those who don’t know what the letters stand for. B- bondage. D- dominance. S- sadism (gets pleasure from inflicting physical/ emotional pain). M- masochism (gets pleasure from receiving physical/ emotional pain). Before I begin, I’d like to clarify that the relationship in fifty shades of grey isn’t in any way a representation of actual bdsm relationships. Yes he had the red room, the whips, the chains, the bindings, and all of the toys, but he took the sadism into the relationship not just the sex. The beauty of bdsm is that you live your ordinary life, functioning as a regular couple (caring, intimate, affectionate, encouraging, and accepting), then in privacy, you both have the opportunity to relinquish a part of you that is suppressed, or nonexistent in your everyday life.
       Many people humor b and d, but when it gets into s and m, many shy away, with good reason. There are particular couples comprised of two very secure individuals (who also share a deep mutual trust), that can lead a healthy bdsm lifestyle with one another. There are others who feed into their current insecurities, and as a result only heighten them. That’s not saying that the first couple doesn’t use it to deal with those unpleasant emotions, but it typically involves past insecurities that they’ve already rid themselves of. 
      The nice thing about b and d, is that the basic concept is hard to misconstrue, and it’s generally within long term couple’s comfort zone. If a couple simply want to divulge in their naughty sides, this is the perfect way to do it. It amplifies the extremes of dominant and submissive, by using restraints on the submissive. It’s a turn on for the submissive, because they’ve relinquished all control and put all of their trust in their partner. For the dominant, this demonstrates to them that their partner can trust them, and also serves to turn them on because they have full control and free range to indulge and appreciate every inch of their partner’s body. Role play can be incorporated into this, most likely involving a consensual rape fantasy of sorts (girls are into it… Don’t ask why). Actually, you should ask why… My hypotheses as of two seconds ago is this- perhaps the men we’ve been exposed to, or the guys we have dated have been a little too gentle so to speak… Or possibly indirect/ passive in their approach. Maybe your man isn’t assertive enough… A consensual rape fantasy incorporates a lot of turn ons. Domination- this allows a girl to feel deeply desired, because the lust the dominant demonstrates passes the point of his control to where he can’t contain himself any longer. Fear- pseudo fear could provide an adrenaline rush, as the couple become so immersed in their roles that they begin to see each other as strangers (for the scene). Forbidden- sleeping with strangers is quite taboo, being fucked “against your will” by a stranger and liking it is even more taboo. (Men can also take on the submissive role, while the girl takes on a dominatrix role, so the roles don’t have to possess a gender necessarily).
       S and m… This is the grey area of bdsm for sure. This is commonly where you’ll derive those who are absolutely transfixed with bdsm, and those who despise it. An example of the role play that could go on with s and m would be sex slave/ master, and teacher/ student (both of these could also be boiled down to just b and d, but the concept of each provides room to incorporate mind games, mental play, and punishments as well). For sex slave/ master, the master controls the scene- what they do, who does it, and when. If the sex slave doesn’t comply or disobeys to orders, degradation or punishment is provided. As far as teacher/ student role play goes, the teacher could use a ruler for punishments, or insult the students intelligence. 
        To some, those scenes could be more enjoyed with the s and m cut out, and just the forbidden quality heightened with b and d. 
        When you begin to imagine the scenes I described throughout this post, you may begin to question the mental health of those who participate in bdsm. Though it may not be apparent at first inspection, bdsm can serve to strengthen a couples trust, and also provide a mental release while taking on a controversial role. Both an overly dominant person, as well as an overly submissive person wouldn’t be accepted by society, and isn’t generally organic in nature. Though which ever extreme you lie closest to, you may feel the desire to reverse your role. Maybe you lead a life of high status and power, but you still feel you lack control- you can be a dominant. You may also not choose that route, and you may choose to be a submissive because you’re tired of attempting to control everything. Then you may have a person who may live in the middle of the extremes, but takes on a lot of responsibility. It may be nice to relinquish all control to someone else for a while, and allow someone else to run things. 
        Bdsm is not for everybody. Some love it, some hate it. It is simply another kink to consider if things are coming to a halt in your sex life with your partner, or if you are naturally curious and enjoy experimentation. 

The therapy of writing

At the moment I don’t feel all that well. My motivation is stifled because I’ve allowed myself to slip into a downward spiral of emotions. Earlier today I read about strange things our bodies do everyday, two of them were blink, and cry. In the mini article it talked about how crying was good for you. So I’m giving it a whirl. Maybe I can cleanse these odd emotions out with some tears. Now typically I would see these as happy tears if I were to be cleansing my emotions with a nice cry, but these aren’t happy tears… I feel a little alone at the moment… I know it may seem ridiculous to some and some may say we should all be able to find solace within ourselves, but for the time being I’m lacking that kind of strength. I can’t muster the courage to brave through it alone any longer. So as my own way of therapy, I’m going to write about one of the reasons as to why I’ve found myself in this lonely state. 

Throughout my life I’ve found myself loosing touch with people, and mutually drifting out of one another’s lives. Generally it’s worked quite well for me because I’ve found more meaningful connections by letting nature take its course. Although I’ve found myself in a little dilemma… I don’t lack a supply of people to talk to or reach out to in times of loneliness, but I’ve recently kept to myself because I find no fulfillment in any of these friendships. I have an amazing best friend and I wouldn’t trade her for the world, but at times I wish I would have found a best-guy-friend along the way. 
I have come close twice in my life… Both times letting them slip away. 
Ironically both of the guys were scorpios… (For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, Scorpio is a zodiac sign). 
The first one was dating my friend at the time and continued to make passes at me… So basically the drama that ensued caused the splitting of ties. 
On the other hand, I recently drifted out of the life of the second Scorpio. He and I had amazing conversations, but he wanted me, and I was uncertain about him. When I looked at it objectively, I realized that if I dated him, it would be because of his mind, not the entire package. I didn’t like his lifestyle, nor did I find him all that attractive. He wasn’t ugly, because I honesty don’t think anyone in this world is ugly. We’re all someone’s idea of perfection. He just wasn’t my type. Now I know you’re all probably furiously typing away in the comments about to tell me off for being superficial, but I’d like to explain myself first. I think there are different levels and statuses for people in your life for this very scenario. You have the highest tier, which is who you choose to be your significant other. Ideally this person is supposed to possess mind, body, and spirit/soul (so they turn you on both sexually and mentally, and dazzle you with their unique soul). Your next tier is best/ good friends. Ideally they just don’t do it for you physically, but you enjoy their company and conversation. Lastly, you have the people who aren’t all that consistent in any of these areas, and we rate them as acquaintances. 
This guy friend of mine fell into the second category, as a good, maybe even best, friend. It was apparent that deep inside, he wanted more. He continued to try to further things. He gave me a rose, and I handed it back, and I told him that he deserved a girl who could be his valentine on Valentine’s Day, and that I just wasn’t the girl for him. I began to taper off my conversations with him, to try to ween him off the thought of me. I didn’t want him to continue pursuing me, knowing that he could spend that time finding who he’s supposed to be with, so I eventually stopped talking to him all together. 
Now you’re probably ferociously typing a comment about how evil I am for hurting this guy and ignoring him… Yes it isn’t the nicest way to do things, but I had indicated things were coming to a close, and just a few weeks ago, he sent me a goodbye text, telling me about the positive things in his life. He found a girl who is like him. That was my goal. I believe he’s better off without me, but sometimes I miss having an interesting conversation waiting just around the corner if I chose to peak. 
He was the closest thing I’ve had to a male best friend, and for that I’m grateful towards him. 
You may be wondering why I brought these two guys up, so now I’ll explain. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed a common theme, but I just realized there is one. Neither of these guys were ever setting out to have a purely platonic thing with me. No guy really ever has… And it is kind of unsettling in a way. I’ve retracted from all of these people, because I don’t feel I can talk to them without them trying to get to know my body more, not my mind. At the moment there is only one guy who I want to know my body more (and mind of course), and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t but a clue, but maybe he’ll catch on if I keep giving hints… 
But it’s not even the fact that the guys wanted my body that put me off, it was that that is how they began to interact with me. Let me clarify a bit more… It’s as though two bodies were trying to have a conversation. Now as far as body language goes, you can have a pretty damn good conversation if there’s chemistry, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the simplicity in which we begin to view things when we’re caught up in overwhelming attraction and lust. It’s a little distracting I’ll admit, but these guys don’t even attempt to have a real conversation, it just feels as though they think boring conversation is the eventual lubricant that will bring about a furtherance of any physical thing between them and me…. 
Now I don’t want interesting and sexy guys I know to get the wrong idea… I’m not talking about you guys. If you are able to admire my mind, soul, sexuality, and body, then take me at your will… Not literally exactly… But if you can sense I’m feeling something as well, or giving you signals, go for it, and don’t miss the signal like Ted did with Robin. (HIMYM reference to their first kiss… If you didn’t know who I was talking about).
Readers who stuck through this entire post, I’m glad to say I’m feeling a lot better. Writing is my therapy, and this post was just what I needed. I know it appears a little bipolar since I went from sad to happy within the time it took to write this, but maybe writing is truly just that therapeutic. 

Hmmm…

How do people humor the idea of polyamory? I can understand the sexual aspect, but not the emotional one. Personally I cannot begin to conceive how one would go about loving two people. I can understand accidentally falling into the situation, with one being your current partner and the other being your ex, but those aren’t the dynamics people in polyamorous relationships are in. This polyamory thing is the idea that you could love more than two souls simultaneously, while investing equal amounts into each connection. I apologize, but I simply cannot fathom that. When simply interested in someone else, initially it may be possible to still find people other than them, but as a result of time and more knowledge of my current interest, my eyes cease to stray. Maybe my mind is naturally wired for monogamy… Who knows. I could sill imagine situations with multiple partners and possibly enjoy the thought, but the circumstances would be different. If a boyfriend of mine wanted to have a threesome, I would propose we make it an orgy/ foursome and invite one guy and one girl. Little would he know, it’d most likely turn into me and the other guy and him and the other girl, because I would be promptly ending our relationship after the fact. If I have feelings for you, I don’t want to see you kissing or fucking another girl… It’s quite simple.. I wouldn’t even want to see you with another guy. If I’m completely detached from all feelings, I surely could open up to the idea of it, but know that I’ll be on my way to finding a true connection elsewhere. 

I know this may appear to be a prudish way of thinking, but this just happens to be the area of my life where I’m a little more conventional in my thoughts. 
I actually picture the mass in numbers to decrease the amount of fun and sexual satisfaction that could be provided. 
I have many sides to my personality to be uncovered as it is, so even adding one other girl would be overcrowding the situation honestly.
One guy and one girl is the perfect amount. Just as two girls, or two guys could be (if you prefer the same gender).