Unfounded Disdain

     You stare contemptuously, letting the hate eat away at what remains of your character. All that lies before you is filthy, ridiculous, and unloveable. Unfortunately, that is an incorrect conclusion. What lies before you is the perfect example of care, humanity, and kindness. All that has been exemplified by that form in front of you is nothing but pure humanity, and you view it with the utmost disgust.

    That’s where we falter. We see all the flaws immediately, sometimes never acknowledging those qualities that embody true perfection, true admirability. It perpetuates a vicious cycle of hate and creates an absence of appreciation. It is one thing to let these negative thoughts and comments silently ruminate in one’s mind, it’s another to continuously voice them aloud to taint the current rapport.

     The most unexpected things occur when one spreads love rather than hate. One receives love back, the world becomes a better place to live in. It’s miraculous to see the results and watch happiness and love spark from every action, setting the world ablaze to create a bonfire of positivity. Soon all the flaws are unique features we’ve never seen. Those actions of ridiculousness, imperfection, lack of attention that causes us to stumble, are the pieces of humanity that spill out of us to signify to others that no one is perfect. While simultaneously discovering that it is this same quality of imperfection that leads one to claim that the one they love is perfect.

Acknowledgement

A while ago it was brought to my attention that we all are partially lacking in our skills of noticing the tiny details of other people. We focus so much on ourselves, and think about how we are coming across to the world, that we forget the best thing about life. We are on this planet, surrounded by vastly different people in every way. Every single person is an individual puzzle that is impossible to solve, yet that’s the beauty in it all. Sometimes we get lucky, and we find a puzzle we’re enamored with, and addicted to solving. Through this, we end up discovering an amazing attribute we may have never known existed, that lies within in us: selflessness. One thing that bothers me to no end is when we allow ourselves to get so caught up in our own world, that we fail to see the beauty in others. It is possibly one of the most disgusting attributes about humans— our tendency to always focus on ourselves. I just realized as I’m writing this, that that is probably why I dislike writing directly about my everyday life, highlighting every moment that revolves around me. Instead, I just wish to share my thoughts—not to hear myself talk, but in order to put these thoughts on a page so that someone can comment what they think about it.

Back to my point though. What is noticing necessarily? Like if we were to tell someone “I’ve noticed things about you,” what kind of examples would come to mind? Personally, I can only picture someone mentioning tiny quirks in someone’s appearance, or actions, not their mind. Though noticing those physical things is still quite flattering to the person being observed, more mind/ personality centered things would be refreshing. It would urge the subject to question how it is that this person picked up on that— especially when they may not have been aware of it before it was mentioned.

The issue with it all though, is that everyone wants to be the subject of admiration, not the admirer. It takes too much work being the admirer, so why not let the compliments and observations revolve around you. The thing is that if this is your mentality, you most likely don’t have much about you to be discovered. I’ve found that the most fascinating and interesting people are the ones in tune with others, and focus on things outside of themselves. It appears that the more you focus on everyone but yourself, the greater you become as a result. Not necessarily doing things for others, but just taking the time to get to know them, to observe them, to notice them.

Some words

Sometimes life happens and you feel yourself get swept away in the tide of everyday activities and interactions. You see the crash and fall of the waves, but sometimes you don’t feel them like you naturally would. Something’s on your mind. Your thoughts can’t help but wander. Where do they wander? Is it to thoughts of a significant other? A new romantic interest? Is it that old flame that still burns and singes your soul? Is it wandering to thoughts of finding that thing called love that everyone talks so fondly about? They wander everywhere. Currently stuck on the beautiful idea of a twin flame. “What is a twin flame?” It is a concept that can give you hope or break you down entirely. To those who haven’t found a remarkable spark with anyone, the idea that a greater connection and love brings happiness to them—also alluding to the fact that they haven’t lost their shot yet. Some have love and lost— sometimes they just so happen to lose their twin flame. How would they lose it if it is an even stronger bond/ connection/ passion than a soulmate, you ask? Well you never truly lose it— it becomes unavailable, unattainable, too difficult to hold onto. Not every lost twin flame is gone forever, but sometimes it appears that way. It all comes down to the two individuals who share that connection. Are you stubborn? Are you foolish enough to let your twin flame walk even farther out of your life while you’re settling for a lesser passion? Are you scared? Are you too blind to see that you’re losing them day by day? Are you too heartbroken to give it another shot? If so, you might just lose them. It is a little difficult to continue to try when the odds are against you. History is made, and sometimes bridges are burned. Sometimes those pained goodbyes are final. It’s not because neither of you feel anything for each other anymore— you might feel everything, but you’ll never tell…

The other day I watched a movie that portrayed this kind of connection. They broke up because it was necessary, not because the love had faded. It never faded, even after 20 years of being apart. They still thought of one another after all of that time had passed. When they saw each other after all of those years, the connection, the passion, the yearning for one another still remained. It’s not the conversations they had, or the things that they shared in common, or the things they knew about one another. It was the need to be next to one another, with no clear reason. It is the desire to see and talk to that soul, because it is the only one yours finds effortless comfort with. They craved each other’s bodies– not because their bodies were perfectly toned and proportioned, but because that body belonged to the soul they couldn’t bare to live without.

Of course the movie didn’t end well…. I just so happened to conveniently remember towards the end, that the writer of the story is notorious for creating sad movies involving deaths to induce tears and despair in the viewer.

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

Memories

The power of memory is terrible thing. The more you try to shut something out, the greater the force it has when it is reopened. We may not even try to fetch the memory, but our brain does it for us. One visual trigger is all it takes, and suddenly we find ourselves walking down memory lane. I would like to say the memories are pleasant because no matter what happens in the end, you can always think to the memory of what was once the reality, and it isn’t tarnished with age like the newest memories put to store. It sucks that having a scale of what one once felt is possible, simply by remembering one single detail. It floods our minds with emotions and drowns out our logic. We can’t rationalize. We can only think of the sorrowful feeling we get when we look back to those feelings. To know how powerful a simple touch or grasp, a biting whisper in our ear trying to contain its passion, a gaze that tells you everything you need to know, could remain imprinted into our mind forever. You begin to feel invigorated as you try to move past the heartbreak you once felt. You attempt to do a 180 and find a completely different type of feeling. But then reality hits you as you’re in the throes of a new fling, and you realize that it’s not the same. You tell yourself it’s what you wanted, change is good right? That’s not the case when the one who used to strive to change everything begs for it all to stay the same. They beg you to stop altering the world around them because it was once so fitting. It felt so right in that moment, and then in the next, it vanished right from their grasp. It is a terrible thing to have felt something and lost it, because sometimes you wish you had not felt at all. It’s impossible to live up to a passion as great as one has felt before, if it was the perfect fit. No one else could fit into the glass slipper, and it is the same with those who attempt to fill your heart with a new emotion. Compared to the perfectly slim and curved foot, it is too thick and soft around the edges. It may be a compassionate love, but it doesn’t fill the gap the same, even if it earnestly tries.

Random thoughts

These are just random thoughts that run through my head. Guys please don’t be offended, cause I may be far off when it comes to guys like you, but in my experience with certain guys, this is what I have come to think about.

I wonder how guys seem to never dwell on past regrets. Letting a lover slip from their hands. They never seem to want that old touch, those old feelings again, to all be theirs once more. Some even seem to give up without a fight. Without ever screaming to the world that she may have been the one and now he sees it, and now he regrets letting it all go. Do you men ever fantasize of the what if’s? What if you tried harder to keep her? What if you showed her that she meant the world to you? What if you had loved her right? That perfect woman slipped through your finger tips into a new and gentle loving man, one who is going to treat her right. He’ll shower her with love and tell her how much he cares for her every day. But the sad part is, it will all be a facade. They’ll never have the lust, the chemistry, the passion, the undying everlasting love that you two had. Though that won’t be apparent to her. All she’ll see is that he expresses the emotion that she had always wished you would. Though they were empty declarations, they still worked because she just wanted to know that she was appreciated by her man. Some may think that running into the arms of a new man who she doesn’t even have the same raw emotion with just because he tells her she’s special, is quite pathetic. But it’s all human nature. No one wants to feel unimportant. We all want to feel of value, especially to the ones that mean everything to us. So sue her for wanting to feel appreciated for once by a man. Not many men seem to know how to love a woman right, but that’s ok. The few that do are a god send, and are fully appreciated by all woman kind. But the saddest part is that they don’t always find the real love, they just seem to make any kind of love last. Being content, yet not blissful is surely a terrible state I’d say. That’s why we fall for the ones we probably shouldn’t fall for. Typically the relationships with the most love are the hardest. Not because it’s healthy and perfect, because they’re surely far from it. But at the point where you know someone may not do anything, may not even put any effort into going to those lengths, just being them is all it takes. They’re your drug, and you’re instantly hooked. You can’t help but love them the way you do. No matter what happens, no matter what length of time, there’s always that eternal flame inside of you that burns bright with love for them. The flame may even cause pain, singeing your insides, but nevertheless, it all comes with the package of love you will always have for them, ready to deliver to their door step when it’s the right time.

Timing’s a bitch

You say that the timings not right, and you’re going to be busy… So we decide to stay just friends, with hopes of getting back together when there’s more time and things get less complicated.
The days go on and we go our separate ways. The first few months pass and it feels as though nothing is ever going to change, we hold onto the past never moving forward. When we take into realization the lack of progress, we make a self induced 180. We drastically change ourselves, trying to make up for the wasted months. We develop new patterns of thought to feel something new. Some things reflect the new perspectives we gained, others are there to replace that feeling of “not quite right”. Those “not quite right” thoughts aren’t apparent to us though. We don’t see that we’ve changed in some ways that aren’t representative of who we are, who we wanted to be, who we thought we were. You and I meet other people who believe that those new perspectives are a reflection of the real us. We create bonds over those things. We meet other people, and our worlds seem to grow farther apart. We aren’t who we once were. We’ve been changing at different paces, and haven’t managed to stay in sync. When we said goodbye, we also said goodbye to our common world. Our world’s without each other may have seemed only slightly different, but the difference was enough to shape us in ways that would drag us in separate directions.
It’s not that what we once had wasn’t strong, or wasn’t real. It was that we had to accept not having each other for a while. Accepting we couldn’t be together temporarily made it simpler to picture a never together. We could have been great. Our connection could have flourished.
Much like humans don’t leave a plant for a year though, and expect to find that plant instantly revived when they come to water it and give it sunlight after all that time. The plant was left in the dark all of that time. It lost hope day after day, wondering if it would survive without sun and water the entire year. It started to search its resources to find ways to stay alive. It took from the moisture in the soil, and the dirt as a place to stand comfortably and heartily. Eventually it can’t survive on what was once there before, and it slowly withers.
We come back to each other though after all of that time. We tell each other about our new lives without each other. If we would have predicted this moment a year ago, we would’ve told you that we’d jump into each others arms. We’d be eager to have each other after that painful wait. We’d finally indulge in each others bodies, we’d express the feelings we had to neglect for so long, we’d be surrounding by a whirlwind of passions… Happy tears would slowly run down our cheeks as we moved in sync touching all along each others bodies…. At once we could be together…
Here we are in this moment finally though, and I tell you about my life. I say “I met people, they’ve changed me. I’m no longer the girl you knew. I’m a fully developed woman now. I have connected with other guys. You know how I was pure when you met me? Well I’m quite tarnished now. I don’t resent the guys for what they shared with me, what they taught me, what they showed me…. I’ve leaned a lot I guess. They were deemed “appropriate” by society, but it didn’t make it feel any less wrong. I wish I could go back and rewrite how it all happened. If only we knew we’d change so much, we’d be so different, we’d have met new people, ended up falling in love with someone different than we thought we would….”
I tell you about him. The guy that is my future. You tell me about her…
We both feel numb to the sadness of not being able to be together. That feeling has been too repetitive to feel painful any longer. That part that was hanging onto the future between us has been calloused, protecting it from the old feelings. We go our separate ways, but this time we walk out of each others lives forever with no promise of a reunion 1 year from then…