Moments

Sometimes I wish I could know if you look at me the same way I look at you: with permanent rose colored glass, only able to see the beauty and perfection that lies inside you. Every ounce of your being equating to just enough to satisfy all of my senses. To look at you, and think, will I ever stop falling in love with every single detail? The tiny gap between your teeth. The way your lips and teeth meet. The contrast between the flatness of your teeth, and the puffiness of your lips making your lips appear all that more appealing. The way your eyes look when just your gaze exudes how much you desire my body, but also the way they look when your emotions soften, and you pull me to you.
How the hair on every inch of your body reminds me that you’re rugged and masculine, just the way I like it. How it feels when you display your desire in one single embrace.
But sometimes it is not so easy to convey just how precious a moment feels. Sometimes words don’t do moments justice.

Advertisements

Acknowledgement

A while ago it was brought to my attention that we all are partially lacking in our skills of noticing the tiny details of other people. We focus so much on ourselves, and think about how we are coming across to the world, that we forget the best thing about life. We are on this planet, surrounded by vastly different people in every way. Every single person is an individual puzzle that is impossible to solve, yet that’s the beauty in it all. Sometimes we get lucky, and we find a puzzle we’re enamored with, and addicted to solving. Through this, we end up discovering an amazing attribute we may have never known existed, that lies within in us: selflessness. One thing that bothers me to no end is when we allow ourselves to get so caught up in our own world, that we fail to see the beauty in others. It is possibly one of the most disgusting attributes about humans— our tendency to always focus on ourselves. I just realized as I’m writing this, that that is probably why I dislike writing directly about my everyday life, highlighting every moment that revolves around me. Instead, I just wish to share my thoughts—not to hear myself talk, but in order to put these thoughts on a page so that someone can comment what they think about it.

Back to my point though. What is noticing necessarily? Like if we were to tell someone “I’ve noticed things about you,” what kind of examples would come to mind? Personally, I can only picture someone mentioning tiny quirks in someone’s appearance, or actions, not their mind. Though noticing those physical things is still quite flattering to the person being observed, more mind/ personality centered things would be refreshing. It would urge the subject to question how it is that this person picked up on that— especially when they may not have been aware of it before it was mentioned.

The issue with it all though, is that everyone wants to be the subject of admiration, not the admirer. It takes too much work being the admirer, so why not let the compliments and observations revolve around you. The thing is that if this is your mentality, you most likely don’t have much about you to be discovered. I’ve found that the most fascinating and interesting people are the ones in tune with others, and focus on things outside of themselves. It appears that the more you focus on everyone but yourself, the greater you become as a result. Not necessarily doing things for others, but just taking the time to get to know them, to observe them, to notice them.

Some words

Sometimes life happens and you feel yourself get swept away in the tide of everyday activities and interactions. You see the crash and fall of the waves, but sometimes you don’t feel them like you naturally would. Something’s on your mind. Your thoughts can’t help but wander. Where do they wander? Is it to thoughts of a significant other? A new romantic interest? Is it that old flame that still burns and singes your soul? Is it wandering to thoughts of finding that thing called love that everyone talks so fondly about? They wander everywhere. Currently stuck on the beautiful idea of a twin flame. “What is a twin flame?” It is a concept that can give you hope or break you down entirely. To those who haven’t found a remarkable spark with anyone, the idea that a greater connection and love brings happiness to them—also alluding to the fact that they haven’t lost their shot yet. Some have love and lost— sometimes they just so happen to lose their twin flame. How would they lose it if it is an even stronger bond/ connection/ passion than a soulmate, you ask? Well you never truly lose it— it becomes unavailable, unattainable, too difficult to hold onto. Not every lost twin flame is gone forever, but sometimes it appears that way. It all comes down to the two individuals who share that connection. Are you stubborn? Are you foolish enough to let your twin flame walk even farther out of your life while you’re settling for a lesser passion? Are you scared? Are you too blind to see that you’re losing them day by day? Are you too heartbroken to give it another shot? If so, you might just lose them. It is a little difficult to continue to try when the odds are against you. History is made, and sometimes bridges are burned. Sometimes those pained goodbyes are final. It’s not because neither of you feel anything for each other anymore— you might feel everything, but you’ll never tell…

The other day I watched a movie that portrayed this kind of connection. They broke up because it was necessary, not because the love had faded. It never faded, even after 20 years of being apart. They still thought of one another after all of that time had passed. When they saw each other after all of those years, the connection, the passion, the yearning for one another still remained. It’s not the conversations they had, or the things that they shared in common, or the things they knew about one another. It was the need to be next to one another, with no clear reason. It is the desire to see and talk to that soul, because it is the only one yours finds effortless comfort with. They craved each other’s bodies– not because their bodies were perfectly toned and proportioned, but because that body belonged to the soul they couldn’t bare to live without.

Of course the movie didn’t end well…. I just so happened to conveniently remember towards the end, that the writer of the story is notorious for creating sad movies involving deaths to induce tears and despair in the viewer.

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

My own personal honesty outlet

Many of you have possibly noticed that I talk a lot about my feelings and emotions in my posts, sometimes to ridiculous extents. It is because I view my blog as something to be even realer and rawer than a personal journal. When I write about my negative, positive, or ambivalent thoughts, I’m sharing them to release them and feel them, not to deny them. When I mention people who I’ve come into contact with, that may have rubbed me the wrong way, blogging about it is an instinct, second to telling them how I felt. Now many of you may instantly assume it is because I wish to slander them, but it honestly is nothing close to that. When you share things in a public setting like a blog, you allow others to comment and correct you if you are wrong. Putting my thoughts out there is my way of asking the world to give me their feedback. If I write about an instance in which someone did something to offend me, I could be totally overreacting, I could be missing a perspective that would give me proper insight into their actions towards me. I don’t paint myself, nor those who I write about in a false light, I show us for exactly who we are. I don’t embellish, and in fact, I try to decipher what could have led to their actions towards me, or others around me. With that being said, I also write about the experiences that sting to think about, because although they’re not pleasant, they are a part of me. All of my thoughts and experiences are here for me to judge as well, but also to accept them, rather than regret them.

Now although I write these things with the expectation that there could be negative and positive feedback for consideration, I would also like to let you all know this: I will take every comment on my actions/ thoughts into consideration, but that won’t always lead to me changing who I am at the core. Though I tend to prefer seeing things from all sides, there are certain things that though I can imagine the reasoning of the opposing perspective, I choose to take the other side. Now I take this approach knowing very well that everyone around me may choose to do the same when taking sides on an issue, and we may not always agree. Like I said in my post “Pick and choose I will,” I don’t think anyone has the perfect formula of perspectives, morals, and rules for life. I don’t think it’s possible to narrow it down to a specific set of beliefs, because we are all such unique individuals. So I expect dissonance with others, when it comes to thoughts and beliefs about certain things.

I’ll give you a little insight into why I’m opposed to specific things. My opposition is spurred when the other side possesses any of these core qualities: inequality, dishonesty, deceit, spite, hate, insecurity, greed, fear, control, ignorance, disrespect, promiscuity, superficiality, narcissism, etc.

Though, when I don’t agree with someone on something they believe/ do that goes against these things, I don’t judge or attempt to tell them to discontinue living with those beliefs, I just tell them my perspective on it, and whether or not they choose to change their ways, or enlighten me as to how it doesn’t possess those qualities I mentioned above, is up to them. Don’t get me wrong on one thing: I will consider shifting my view on something if convinced thoroughly, but typically I’ve already considered the arguments given on each issue I have taken one side on. I can be friends with people who have opposing beliefs, but I can’t always be as close to them as they may wish. I used to know a Scorpio as you all know. Let me tell you a few things about this Scorpio. He smoked weed daily for about two years (before I knew him. He smoked infrequently by the time I knew him, but it was apparent that he had smoked heavily in the past), dabbled with other drugs, cussed, skateboarded, liked physics, had a crush on me (at one point he told me he loved me. I’ll be elaborating on that later in this post), didn’t really respect authority, and was a very deep thinking individual.

To anyone who knows me very well, it was both perplexing, yet understandable as to why he and I, despite our intrinsic differences, connected and understood one another as much as we did. We were both very honest with one another from the start, about anything to do with our past, or what we were going through at the time (good or bad). It was the deepest friendship I’ve ever had with anyone, boyfriends included. Now many of you may ask “why didn’t it ever progress into something romantic, if you two connected as much as you say?” Well that’s the reason I’ve included this elaboration of that friendship in this particular post. This is to show you how I got extremely close to someone who I didn’t share some core beliefs with.

Though I appear to promote a bit of rebellion in my posts, I don’t display that rebellion through my actions in the way you’d expect. I’ve never experimented with drugs in the slightest, I’ve had alcohol once in my life (whiskey in some coffee in Ireland), I don’t smoke, and I’ve never done anything illegal.

My reasons for not smoking, drinking, or doing drugs is mainly based on the fact that they are illegal, but also beyond that one element. None of these things improve your body, for the most part, they only degrade it (ok, maybe medical marijuana can help people, and perhaps a glass of red wine a day is good for your health). These things also lend themselves to becoming addictions. Yes, I know that people can become addicted to unhealthy foods, and caffeine just the same, but people have chosen to cut even these legal addictions out of their lives.

It’s not simply the laws that cause me to be opposed to drugs, smoking, and drinking. It’s the dependency, and disregard that can come along with it. Many people can look at an overweight person and recognize that their reliance on food to make them feel better is unhealthy, but it’s not always as easy for the smoker, stoner, or alcoholic to use the same logic when viewing their addiction. They claim it relieves stress (which I don’t doubt), and that they have control over their need for it. The difference between food and caffeine versus the other addictions, is that they don’t affect those around you. When you smoke around others, you expose them to secondhand smoke. When you’re stoned, you expose them to an altered version of you. When you’re wasted, you expose others to an uninhibited, unpredictable you.

When I’m with someone, I want to be with them, not a drugged up, boozed up version of them. This Scorpio friend of mine didn’t ever seem to be high around me, but the thing that unnerved me was that I didn’t have any way to tell since the way his eyes were held, the way he spoke, and his body language, were all slightly altered from his stoner days, so it was impossible to tell. Let alone the fact that I have never been high myself, nor have I been around many high people since it truly isn’t my scene, so I didn’t know the signs of someone being high very well.

The true issue was that even though he and I understood each other very well, he didn’t see those differences in beliefs as a problem, when I did. I can see how he didn’t have a problem with it though, because he didn’t care if I was a stoner type, and he actually seemed to be attracted to me even though in retrospect, I embodied the polar opposite of his lifestyle.

Like I said in my last post about him though, he found a girl that is like him, which to me seems like the far better option. Yes it may suck that things don’t work out romantically with some people because we have different value sets, but I think in a way it protects the connection from being tainted by the results of a failed relationship that could have been prevented. In his last text/ letter to me, he said he still loved me. Now many of you may not understand how someone could love a person they have never been romantically involved with in a romantic way, but in this situation, even though things never progressed farther than friendship, I can see how it is possible since we shared an intimacy that was deeper than some people who date one another.

If you do drugs, smoke, drink, sleep around, or have a belief that possess the qualities I mentioned above, you most likely won’t have my heart or my body, but you will have my friendship. I may even write about you on my blog (don’t worry, I’ll be nice). I will always have a spot in my heart for the ones I connected with, but didn’t share a romantic relationship with, but they’ll always remain at a loving arms length.

Timing 

I was just brought through a whirlwind of unpleasant emotions while watching a movie…. You know when you continue to root for two people to end up together, but the timing is always off for them? Well just picture having that feeling 3 or more times within the span of a hour or so. The reason I say multiply it, is because this movie would arouse the feeling, satiate you with a new love interest for each character, then arouse the feeling again, next they leave you feeling despair and giving up on rooting for the couple, arouse the feeling once more, and then give you a yearning hope for a bit longer, because of course at this point it must be inevitable that they end up together. They did… Thank god… The emotional investment into their romance/ friendship was too much to go through to not have a happy ending. 
I know some of you may be shaking your heads at how caught up in the movie I got, but I swear, it was all too similar to the poor timing we all witness/ go through throughout our lives with potential romantic partners. 
It’s torture to see two people who have an intrinsic connection, a core understanding of one another, and a mutual attraction, just skirting around the issue (liking one another), end up with other people as a result. I know that it’s tempting to wait for the perfect moment or the most romantic way to approach telling someone you have romantic feelings for them. Or possibly, you want to skip over the mundane profession of like, and wait for the perfect moment to kiss them in a manner that conveys all that you feel towards them/ the feeling you get when you’re around them. 
I understand that that is what we all strive for: the moment. When it doesn’t have to be put out there before you are sure they feel the same. It would be a wonderful thing if we could all get the timing down to a T. For two amazing people who have spectacular chemistry to find the moment where their interest in one another is in sync, and they can just sense it. Then you have the moment, and you both feel the magnetic connection you share. You both lean in, and passionately express the pent up desire you have for one another.
That’s the dream, but sadly it’s not always the case. We wait eagerly for the moment, but we get scared and don’t act on it. We fear rejection, so we hold off a little longer. That little longer turns into too long. You share the connection forever, but if you give them any doubt, you may loose your chance. We live in a world where spectacular people are hard to come by, and additionally, they’re typically taken by another spectacular person. Although sometimes we’re lucky enough to find these people while they’re being their amazing selves as a single unit for the time being. Maybe they’ve decided to hold off for someone just like your self. You’ll never know if you don’t cherish this lull in their pursuit for a relationship with someone other than yourself. It will be too late, and perhaps you’ll turn out to be one of two spectacular people they know after that “little longer” you’ve created for yourself is over with. 
Now I’m not saying that each outstanding individual you meet will flit quickly from one romantic interest to the next, but I will tell you this. If you see the spark in their eye that lights up your universe during your time together, chances are others see that spark as well. If you notice how stunningly unique this individual is, in both mind and body, chances are others see it too. Now what is the secret to preserving your moment with them? Show them your spark, and remind them of your existence. Continue to present yourself with opportunities to add on to the connection you both know you have. 
I know we all see yearning and poor timing as romantic in movies because we know they have to end up with one another, but it’s not always as apparent in real life. Sometimes both people don’t recognize an amazing connection until it’s too late. 
Although there’s only a few spectacular people in the world, there’s even less spectacular people’s whose soul resonates with yours. When you find yourself in tune with another, don’t let yourself loose that, because that kind of thing doesn’t come along all too often. 

Can’t get no da da da sat-is-fact-ion

I’ll warn you now to not take this personally, because this is directed towards people who don’t read my blog, not you, my readers. Though, if you have a friend or girlfriend or anybody in your life who is disappearing on you, they could possibly have a similar reason, so read on.

The highlight of my night: I got my graphing calculator to show approximations instead of exact numbers. 

It’s not that I haven’t done interesting things, or socialized, it’s just that this is the only success I feel I have had. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I’m holding conversations I don’t even want to have, all out of keeping good social ties. “It’s not normal to recluse into a loner state, you should be social all the time. Why don’t you want to talk?” They say. It’s simple, I’m drained. For the longest time I didn’t know what it was that I wanted, but now I do. I want to be understood. Now I’m not trying to vie for attention, because that is the one thing I can’t stand the most. What I am saying is this: if you want to have a conversation with me, or expect me to continue talking to you, I would like to feel like I’m being met half way. 
For some of you, one sided conversations or not seeing eye to eye on things with others may not bother you in the slightest. Though for me, that is similar to how bad it would feel to be a little kid and have your favorite toy snatched from you, only to be thrown in the mud. Conversations, interactions, thinking, talking, discussing, debating… Those are the things I live for. I don’t desire material objects, or superficial compliments. I want deep conversation. Not necessarily with heavy emotions, but hey, maybe even that. If I don’t feel like a connection is being made I retract. It’s in my DNA… Some may say this is flighty… I call it self preservation. Why continue on with something that erodes your fulfillment when you can find something that provides it? I’m not necessarily saying that I replace people with other people, on the contrary rather. For the time being I feel like replacing some people with my writing. For those of you who stumble upon this post or haven’t followed me for a while, it may seem that I’ve actually gotten more free time for blogging, but I actually haven’t. I’ve been making time for it, and think that even more time could be made. 
So if I disappear on you, know this, I’ll be back sometime, maybe soon, maybe in a long time, but one thing is certain, you’ll be finding my thoughts all over the screen (on WordPress) if you ever choose to look.