Unfounded Disdain

     You stare contemptuously, letting the hate eat away at what remains of your character. All that lies before you is filthy, ridiculous, and unloveable. Unfortunately, that is an incorrect conclusion. What lies before you is the perfect example of care, humanity, and kindness. All that has been exemplified by that form in front of you is nothing but pure humanity, and you view it with the utmost disgust.

    That’s where we falter. We see all the flaws immediately, sometimes never acknowledging those qualities that embody true perfection, true admirability. It perpetuates a vicious cycle of hate and creates an absence of appreciation. It is one thing to let these negative thoughts and comments silently ruminate in one’s mind, it’s another to continuously voice them aloud to taint the current rapport.

     The most unexpected things occur when one spreads love rather than hate. One receives love back, the world becomes a better place to live in. It’s miraculous to see the results and watch happiness and love spark from every action, setting the world ablaze to create a bonfire of positivity. Soon all the flaws are unique features we’ve never seen. Those actions of ridiculousness, imperfection, lack of attention that causes us to stumble, are the pieces of humanity that spill out of us to signify to others that no one is perfect. While simultaneously discovering that it is this same quality of imperfection that leads one to claim that the one they love is perfect.

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Acknowledgement

A while ago it was brought to my attention that we all are partially lacking in our skills of noticing the tiny details of other people. We focus so much on ourselves, and think about how we are coming across to the world, that we forget the best thing about life. We are on this planet, surrounded by vastly different people in every way. Every single person is an individual puzzle that is impossible to solve, yet that’s the beauty in it all. Sometimes we get lucky, and we find a puzzle we’re enamored with, and addicted to solving. Through this, we end up discovering an amazing attribute we may have never known existed, that lies within in us: selflessness. One thing that bothers me to no end is when we allow ourselves to get so caught up in our own world, that we fail to see the beauty in others. It is possibly one of the most disgusting attributes about humans— our tendency to always focus on ourselves. I just realized as I’m writing this, that that is probably why I dislike writing directly about my everyday life, highlighting every moment that revolves around me. Instead, I just wish to share my thoughts—not to hear myself talk, but in order to put these thoughts on a page so that someone can comment what they think about it.

Back to my point though. What is noticing necessarily? Like if we were to tell someone “I’ve noticed things about you,” what kind of examples would come to mind? Personally, I can only picture someone mentioning tiny quirks in someone’s appearance, or actions, not their mind. Though noticing those physical things is still quite flattering to the person being observed, more mind/ personality centered things would be refreshing. It would urge the subject to question how it is that this person picked up on that— especially when they may not have been aware of it before it was mentioned.

The issue with it all though, is that everyone wants to be the subject of admiration, not the admirer. It takes too much work being the admirer, so why not let the compliments and observations revolve around you. The thing is that if this is your mentality, you most likely don’t have much about you to be discovered. I’ve found that the most fascinating and interesting people are the ones in tune with others, and focus on things outside of themselves. It appears that the more you focus on everyone but yourself, the greater you become as a result. Not necessarily doing things for others, but just taking the time to get to know them, to observe them, to notice them.

Pause 

I’m debating on whether or not to stop blogging for a while. At the moment my basic needs are unfulfilled, so I don’t have the same focus I did a while ago. I need to get back into my routine–working out, doing what I love, making time for myself and my non-blog writing (I write random stories sometimes…), and getting the oxytocin fix that I need. Lately I haven’t been fulfilling these basic needs simply because I can’t. I’ve found that it’s nearly impossible to maintain a balance of all that you need when someone else is controlling the show. If there is one thing I’ve learned throughout my experience in France, it is this: being an exchange student tests your ability to adapt. There is no time for yourself, no time for uninterrupted self development (like reading, writing, etc.), unpredictable diet (the change also can alter your moods/ energy), minimal amount of time to get ready for the day (taking a shower, blow drying hair, etc.), never alone, required to be ready to leave the flat (apartment) in an instant once there is a new sight to be seen, constant switching of environment (because you’re visiting every area, which brings about staying at the family’s relative’s houses), a requirement to be constantly happy and social during all waking hours, and you must turn the other cheek when they begin to talk about how superior their country is to yours or another. Now I’m not saying that all of the french are like that, but the people I’ve encountered have all possessed the same haughty attitude. They like to compare countries as a typical pastime. Basically any comparison that is brought up must end in their country turning out on top, and if not, you won’t hear the end of it until someone finally declares that even with any illogic, they still “win” in the comparison. 

     Now I’m not saying that living this way, with these social habits is wrong, it’s just not my style. I prefer to remain unbiased when discussing things, rather than insult another country simply because my ego couldn’t handle losing something. I also don’t talk or debate for the aspect of wining–I think that’s truly a dead end–I like debating and conversing to spread knowledge, share ideas, and to broaden horizons. I’ve found that’s simply not the case here… Apparently every other country in the world must suck in comparison, or else we must be living in some parallel universe where i don’t know… We’re all viewed as different cultures doing things their own way? Imperfect representations of the imperfection in us all? No country is perfect, no country ever will be. Sure you may have your preference as to which you think is better simply because it aligns with your beliefs and views, but everyone else out there has the same disposition as you to believe that the country they favor is the best. 

Now maybe I’m simply frustrated, and my words are skewed in favor of my own beliefs/ preferences, so I’ll put that part of this post to rest for now.

     Back to what I meant to tell you all though: I may or may not discontinue writing (for my blog) until the end of this trip (which is only 6 days). 

I most likely will try to write, but if I can’t manage to, it’s because I need to wait for inspiration to strike again. 

    Onto another topic real quick, before I end: 

The other day I sat in a closet. Now you may think I’m crazy or at the very least, kinda odd, but let me explain. There wasn’t really anywhere else to be alone, but inside the closet. Honestly, I’m tempted to go back in there today (it’s a great spot to listen to music in my headphones without interruption). I loved it in there, cause it reminded me of when I was a kid. I used to do all kinds of random weird stuff when I was younger, simply because it made me happy. I’d find tiny little spots and I’d sit in them, I’d build forts, etc. I’d find a chair, sit on it backwards, and lay upside down with my legs against the back board. I was absolutely ridiculous, and loving life for the simple odd things it had to offer. 

Thinking back to how I was when I was younger got me thinking about how I want to make sure I don’t lose that part of myself. Sure those things are weird to do as you get older and older, but they’re fun. I’m sure those odd habits are part of the reason why kids seem so happy compared to us. They don’t think about what others will think of them, or if it is weird or not to lay upside down if they feel like it. They don’t bother to change themselves in order to conform to strict social norms. 

Random ranting 

I recently mentioned to you all that I’ve been writing a lot of things but posting very little, but after reviewing what I wrote, I’ve decided to post a few of them. 

So here’s my inner monologue from a week or so ago. At the moment, the tone of my thoughts is vastly different from the ones I wrote about below. This is a perfect example of just how varried my inner monologue can be day to day, and week to week. 

Typically normal instinct should lead me to talking to real people about my emotions, instead of trying with all my will to be simply be alone. But since I’ve been gone from writing for about two weeks I have been yearning to get back to it. To pour all of my thoughts and feelings into words and set them free. Over the past week I’ve found that I’m more introverted than I thought. I don’t enjoy constantly interacting with others from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. I have found I’m very drained. I haven’t let my true emotions show one bit. If I’m feeling even a little bit upset while we’re in the car, while we’re at the dinner table, I hide it with a smile. 

       For those of you who don’t know, I am staying in France for a while with the family of an exchange student my family hosted the past few summers. I am very appreciative of the opportunity and the things I am able to see and experience, but my mind is elsewhere at the moment. So instead of writing about France, I’ll be writing about my thoughts that I can’t voice aloud. It’s not that I don’t think they would allow me the time to rest or be alone, but I doubt they’d understand what on earth could be troubling me right now since nothing appears to be wrong. 

      I will touch on one thing about France. They are a little more structured and formal than what I’m used to. There are typically three long meals in a day, and throughout these meals and at the end of the meal, you typically stay until everyone is ready to leave the table (you could have been done eating two hours ago, and still not be done at the table). Now typically I would try to be as social as I can, but when I can’t honestly voice what I’m thinking, it’s quite draining.

There is one thing I am loving about France though. In the south you can be walking down the streets and see cats quite often. Some are cute and allow you to pet them, others are unsure, and then there are the ones that I probably wouldn’t risk approaching given their demeanor. Anyway, the reason I bring up cats is because no matter where I am, or what situation I’ve been put in, if I see an animal, it can always bring a smile to my face. These furry creatures we’ve all domesticated and taken into our homes are living with us in society for a reason. Animals don’t expect a hello or a goodbye, a drawn out conversation, a hand shake, a kiss on each cheek, or a hug. They simply wish you approach them with a calm demeanor if you are to approach them. They don’t need you to explain anything, their calming presence they lend to us is as causal to them as the furr on their back. Most of us know why animals need us, but some overlook the fact that we need them too. Sometimes we find ourselves locked in our room with thoughts flooding through our minds and we don’t want anyone to see us this way. We are shutting down. Socializing with a smile on your face is no longer possible. If anyone were to come in right now fear would course throughout your body; what would they think of you unfiltered, how would you explain this, what explanation would they expect from you, would you be forced to tell them the truth? Does the particular individual even deserve the truth? Would they even bother to console you, or cause you to doubt everything even more? The next thing you know, you see the door begin to open at an eerily slow rate, your heart begins to pound, the door is opening slowly but surely…… Then there’s a halt, it doesn’t open any more than a crack. Next thing you know a soft, fluffy form jumps onto your bed beside you. It’s your pet. The one that doesn’t ask the hard questions. The one that’s there for you no matter what it is. Your pet doesn’t know what’s going on, but it can recognize the turmoil that is going on inside your mind. 

Let me just stop this train of thought to let you know that it hasn’t even been but 10 minutes since I’ve sat down to write, and I’ve already been interrupted. And throughout that time I was sitting in the same room as the person who keeps interrupting this alone time…Just to give you a bit of perspective on the amount of alone time I have.

So after a half hour break I am now back to writing— I was interrupted again after I had just written about getting interrupted…

I’m not exactly sure where I was going with this, cause at the point of the interruptions I was taken away from my writing for too long to get back into the same mindset in order to finish the train of thought. The reason I wasn’t going to post this was because I  felt it was unstructured and random. Today when looking it over once more, I realized I might as well share every bit of my journey in France, whether it be described well or poorly.  

Can’t get no da da da sat-is-fact-ion

I’ll warn you now to not take this personally, because this is directed towards people who don’t read my blog, not you, my readers. Though, if you have a friend or girlfriend or anybody in your life who is disappearing on you, they could possibly have a similar reason, so read on.

The highlight of my night: I got my graphing calculator to show approximations instead of exact numbers. 

It’s not that I haven’t done interesting things, or socialized, it’s just that this is the only success I feel I have had. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I’m holding conversations I don’t even want to have, all out of keeping good social ties. “It’s not normal to recluse into a loner state, you should be social all the time. Why don’t you want to talk?” They say. It’s simple, I’m drained. For the longest time I didn’t know what it was that I wanted, but now I do. I want to be understood. Now I’m not trying to vie for attention, because that is the one thing I can’t stand the most. What I am saying is this: if you want to have a conversation with me, or expect me to continue talking to you, I would like to feel like I’m being met half way. 
For some of you, one sided conversations or not seeing eye to eye on things with others may not bother you in the slightest. Though for me, that is similar to how bad it would feel to be a little kid and have your favorite toy snatched from you, only to be thrown in the mud. Conversations, interactions, thinking, talking, discussing, debating… Those are the things I live for. I don’t desire material objects, or superficial compliments. I want deep conversation. Not necessarily with heavy emotions, but hey, maybe even that. If I don’t feel like a connection is being made I retract. It’s in my DNA… Some may say this is flighty… I call it self preservation. Why continue on with something that erodes your fulfillment when you can find something that provides it? I’m not necessarily saying that I replace people with other people, on the contrary rather. For the time being I feel like replacing some people with my writing. For those of you who stumble upon this post or haven’t followed me for a while, it may seem that I’ve actually gotten more free time for blogging, but I actually haven’t. I’ve been making time for it, and think that even more time could be made. 
So if I disappear on you, know this, I’ll be back sometime, maybe soon, maybe in a long time, but one thing is certain, you’ll be finding my thoughts all over the screen (on WordPress) if you ever choose to look.