Acknowledgement

A while ago it was brought to my attention that we all are partially lacking in our skills of noticing the tiny details of other people. We focus so much on ourselves, and think about how we are coming across to the world, that we forget the best thing about life. We are on this planet, surrounded by vastly different people in every way. Every single person is an individual puzzle that is impossible to solve, yet that’s the beauty in it all. Sometimes we get lucky, and we find a puzzle we’re enamored with, and addicted to solving. Through this, we end up discovering an amazing attribute we may have never known existed, that lies within in us: selflessness. One thing that bothers me to no end is when we allow ourselves to get so caught up in our own world, that we fail to see the beauty in others. It is possibly one of the most disgusting attributes about humans— our tendency to always focus on ourselves. I just realized as I’m writing this, that that is probably why I dislike writing directly about my everyday life, highlighting every moment that revolves around me. Instead, I just wish to share my thoughts—not to hear myself talk, but in order to put these thoughts on a page so that someone can comment what they think about it.

Back to my point though. What is noticing necessarily? Like if we were to tell someone “I’ve noticed things about you,” what kind of examples would come to mind? Personally, I can only picture someone mentioning tiny quirks in someone’s appearance, or actions, not their mind. Though noticing those physical things is still quite flattering to the person being observed, more mind/ personality centered things would be refreshing. It would urge the subject to question how it is that this person picked up on that— especially when they may not have been aware of it before it was mentioned.

The issue with it all though, is that everyone wants to be the subject of admiration, not the admirer. It takes too much work being the admirer, so why not let the compliments and observations revolve around you. The thing is that if this is your mentality, you most likely don’t have much about you to be discovered. I’ve found that the most fascinating and interesting people are the ones in tune with others, and focus on things outside of themselves. It appears that the more you focus on everyone but yourself, the greater you become as a result. Not necessarily doing things for others, but just taking the time to get to know them, to observe them, to notice them.

A letter to an ex 

I wrote this one day, while I was torturing myself by reminiscing about old flames. I considered not posting it, but after reading it once more, I realize that perhaps it’s not my best work, and maybe I was caught up with my emotions for that time, but this blog is my “journal” after all, so here’s what I’d write if this blog were still anonymous. For those of you who know me past my blog, I recommend you proceed with caution, cause perhaps the things I’ve written may upset you (if they’re about you or not about you). There’s no slander or anything of that kind of sort. Though I’m giving you an out now, before you begin. 

*unquestionable extended*

One time you asked me how often I think about you. At the time I had actually purged you from my thoughts for quite some time, so the answer was infrequently. Recently my answer has changed. Thoughts of you have popped into my mind time and time again. The memories are painful to me. It wasn’t long, and we didn’t even go that far, but I know we could have been great and that’s what leads me to be upset. We never ran our full course. Though I want to write a billion things in a somber tone, I am determined to give this post an upbeat vibe. So here are the things I miss. 

When you and I’d talk I remember seeing your smile. I’m not sure if I ever told you this, but I loved that smile. It was infectious. It also reminded me of what your personality would look like if boiled down into a smile. Stubborn, cute, obnoxious, and playful all wrapped into one. 

Your personality. I’m not sure what it was, but for some reason your presence always left me content. At times a bit agitated possibly, but that’s only because you were being your extra obnoxious self that day. Along the way, I came to love that. You were only you. You told me your real thoughts on things, not just answers you’d think would align with mine. You teased me back when I was being my usual playful self. It made me happy—I had finally met my match—someone finally understood that I’m simply looking to receive the same smart ass replies that I’m giving out. Your charisma attacked me every time I saw you, it was magnetic. I remember thinking to myself before we got together that just by simply talking with you (as friends), I felt more fulfilled than I ever had, compared to how it was with my exes. Sure I had physical connections with guys, but never truly mental connections. 

It frustrates me to think of the last day we had together as a couple, cause it makes me miss you. It was overcast and rainy, and you were wearing a maroon ish sweater. I’m not sure if I had told you this either, but that was my favorite shirt of yours. In it you were perfectly cuddly and soft and it made me want to nap in your arms all day. 

As I’m finishing this post I’m tempted to delete it all. I’m feeling ready to give up, because it just dawned on me that if you really felt the same I wouldn’t be stuck here missing you all alone. I wouldn’t have to think of you with her.

You know, funny story. Ever since we’ve been apart I’ve been close to starting fresh with some other guy, but I can’t bring myself to follow through with it. There was one guy who I truly wanted, possibly still want, but I don’t think I can continue wanting other guys with you in the back of my mind. It’s surely not goodbye yet, but I’m afraid that’s coming soon. I need to know what your feeling or else I may have to disappear for good. I know you don’t like talking about your feelings—you’ve always been really secretive about that—but just this once I’d like you to go out on a limb and attempt to tell me whether or not I’m simply wasting my time. 

Some words

Sometimes life happens and you feel yourself get swept away in the tide of everyday activities and interactions. You see the crash and fall of the waves, but sometimes you don’t feel them like you naturally would. Something’s on your mind. Your thoughts can’t help but wander. Where do they wander? Is it to thoughts of a significant other? A new romantic interest? Is it that old flame that still burns and singes your soul? Is it wandering to thoughts of finding that thing called love that everyone talks so fondly about? They wander everywhere. Currently stuck on the beautiful idea of a twin flame. “What is a twin flame?” It is a concept that can give you hope or break you down entirely. To those who haven’t found a remarkable spark with anyone, the idea that a greater connection and love brings happiness to them—also alluding to the fact that they haven’t lost their shot yet. Some have love and lost— sometimes they just so happen to lose their twin flame. How would they lose it if it is an even stronger bond/ connection/ passion than a soulmate, you ask? Well you never truly lose it— it becomes unavailable, unattainable, too difficult to hold onto. Not every lost twin flame is gone forever, but sometimes it appears that way. It all comes down to the two individuals who share that connection. Are you stubborn? Are you foolish enough to let your twin flame walk even farther out of your life while you’re settling for a lesser passion? Are you scared? Are you too blind to see that you’re losing them day by day? Are you too heartbroken to give it another shot? If so, you might just lose them. It is a little difficult to continue to try when the odds are against you. History is made, and sometimes bridges are burned. Sometimes those pained goodbyes are final. It’s not because neither of you feel anything for each other anymore— you might feel everything, but you’ll never tell…

The other day I watched a movie that portrayed this kind of connection. They broke up because it was necessary, not because the love had faded. It never faded, even after 20 years of being apart. They still thought of one another after all of that time had passed. When they saw each other after all of those years, the connection, the passion, the yearning for one another still remained. It’s not the conversations they had, or the things that they shared in common, or the things they knew about one another. It was the need to be next to one another, with no clear reason. It is the desire to see and talk to that soul, because it is the only one yours finds effortless comfort with. They craved each other’s bodies– not because their bodies were perfectly toned and proportioned, but because that body belonged to the soul they couldn’t bare to live without.

Of course the movie didn’t end well…. I just so happened to conveniently remember towards the end, that the writer of the story is notorious for creating sad movies involving deaths to induce tears and despair in the viewer.

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

Explicit 

DISCLAIMER: For those of you who heavily participate in bdsm, or for those of you who don’t condone any activity of the sort, I don’t claim to be an expert on the topic, so take all that I say with a grain of salt. This is just me rambling about bdsm, based on the knowledge I have gathered. 
      As a result of the controversial movie “fifty shades of grey,” people have been acquainted with a new genre of sex (if they hadn’t heard of it beforehand): bdsm. Hopefully, those who had already been acquainted before the movie could identify between real abuse and actual bdsm, which involves “scenes.” Before I go into this topic fully, I’ll define the acronym for those who don’t know what the letters stand for. B- bondage. D- dominance. S- sadism (gets pleasure from inflicting physical/ emotional pain). M- masochism (gets pleasure from receiving physical/ emotional pain). Before I begin, I’d like to clarify that the relationship in fifty shades of grey isn’t in any way a representation of actual bdsm relationships. Yes he had the red room, the whips, the chains, the bindings, and all of the toys, but he took the sadism into the relationship not just the sex. The beauty of bdsm is that you live your ordinary life, functioning as a regular couple (caring, intimate, affectionate, encouraging, and accepting), then in privacy, you both have the opportunity to relinquish a part of you that is suppressed, or nonexistent in your everyday life.
       Many people humor b and d, but when it gets into s and m, many shy away, with good reason. There are particular couples comprised of two very secure individuals (who also share a deep mutual trust), that can lead a healthy bdsm lifestyle with one another. There are others who feed into their current insecurities, and as a result only heighten them. That’s not saying that the first couple doesn’t use it to deal with those unpleasant emotions, but it typically involves past insecurities that they’ve already rid themselves of. 
      The nice thing about b and d, is that the basic concept is hard to misconstrue, and it’s generally within long term couple’s comfort zone. If a couple simply want to divulge in their naughty sides, this is the perfect way to do it. It amplifies the extremes of dominant and submissive, by using restraints on the submissive. It’s a turn on for the submissive, because they’ve relinquished all control and put all of their trust in their partner. For the dominant, this demonstrates to them that their partner can trust them, and also serves to turn them on because they have full control and free range to indulge and appreciate every inch of their partner’s body. Role play can be incorporated into this, most likely involving a consensual rape fantasy of sorts (girls are into it… Don’t ask why). Actually, you should ask why… My hypotheses as of two seconds ago is this- perhaps the men we’ve been exposed to, or the guys we have dated have been a little too gentle so to speak… Or possibly indirect/ passive in their approach. Maybe your man isn’t assertive enough… A consensual rape fantasy incorporates a lot of turn ons. Domination- this allows a girl to feel deeply desired, because the lust the dominant demonstrates passes the point of his control to where he can’t contain himself any longer. Fear- pseudo fear could provide an adrenaline rush, as the couple become so immersed in their roles that they begin to see each other as strangers (for the scene). Forbidden- sleeping with strangers is quite taboo, being fucked “against your will” by a stranger and liking it is even more taboo. (Men can also take on the submissive role, while the girl takes on a dominatrix role, so the roles don’t have to possess a gender necessarily).
       S and m… This is the grey area of bdsm for sure. This is commonly where you’ll derive those who are absolutely transfixed with bdsm, and those who despise it. An example of the role play that could go on with s and m would be sex slave/ master, and teacher/ student (both of these could also be boiled down to just b and d, but the concept of each provides room to incorporate mind games, mental play, and punishments as well). For sex slave/ master, the master controls the scene- what they do, who does it, and when. If the sex slave doesn’t comply or disobeys to orders, degradation or punishment is provided. As far as teacher/ student role play goes, the teacher could use a ruler for punishments, or insult the students intelligence. 
        To some, those scenes could be more enjoyed with the s and m cut out, and just the forbidden quality heightened with b and d. 
        When you begin to imagine the scenes I described throughout this post, you may begin to question the mental health of those who participate in bdsm. Though it may not be apparent at first inspection, bdsm can serve to strengthen a couples trust, and also provide a mental release while taking on a controversial role. Both an overly dominant person, as well as an overly submissive person wouldn’t be accepted by society, and isn’t generally organic in nature. Though which ever extreme you lie closest to, you may feel the desire to reverse your role. Maybe you lead a life of high status and power, but you still feel you lack control- you can be a dominant. You may also not choose that route, and you may choose to be a submissive because you’re tired of attempting to control everything. Then you may have a person who may live in the middle of the extremes, but takes on a lot of responsibility. It may be nice to relinquish all control to someone else for a while, and allow someone else to run things. 
        Bdsm is not for everybody. Some love it, some hate it. It is simply another kink to consider if things are coming to a halt in your sex life with your partner, or if you are naturally curious and enjoy experimentation. 

Fifty shades of grey and virginity

Recently I’ve been caught up with some learning and thinking about stuff that doesn’t really interest me (school), so I thought I’d free my mind by sharing a few non-school related thoughts.
Just a few nights ago, I watched fifty shades of grey. For those of you who hate it, hold on before you judge me about this, and for those of you who loved it, take my critique with a grain of salt.
For those of you who don’t know what fifty shades of grey is about, I’ll give you a brief summary. It’s about a young, wealthy entrepreneur and a slightly unsure virgin, finding themselves intertwined with one another in a sexual contract. The guy, mr grey, has singular tastes and only participates in bdsm, and not simply vanilla sex. Anastasia steel (the girl) is a bit apprehensive at first, because she doesn’t want to be his “sex slave” as she puts it.
Time for the evaluation of the movie. For those of you who haven’t watched it, there may be a few spoilers below, so I’m warning you now.

This movie had a lot of intrigue initially because it appeared to have potential. As I watched it though, I couldn’t find the intrigue I was expecting to translate into the movie. Honestly the plot didn’t compensate for the nudity. It wasn’t a typical bdsm relationship, it was mr grey’s version of a bdsm relationship. In real bdsm, you take pleasure in being the dominant and don’t look like some surgeon doing a routine surgery. The dominant doesn’t do all of the work. You’d think in a situation where someone could be mistaken for a sex slave, they’d at least touch the dominant or give him pleasure just once at least. Now I’m not going to say that it was the worst movie of all time, becuause I didn’t watch the last few minutes of it, so I don’t have the right to judge it completely without watching every bit of it. I will tell you how I think it could have been improved though. It should be remade with two actors completely unattached. Jamie dornan (mr grey) has a wife…. That totally closes off the opportunity for him to actually bring an unbridled passion with him on set, which you need in order to properly portray chemistry. Now I’m not saying they didn’t do the movie right, because maybe the writer wasn’t looking to portray a typical bdsm relationship, and rather an abusive relationship that was masked with the unrepresentative title of a “bdsm relationship”. All in all, I personally wouldn’t watch the rest of it or the sequels, because it just didn’t really do anything for me. Though I’m not saying it will be the same for others, some of you may love it, and some of you may hate it. 

Now onto my next topic of random thoughts. One night I was watching the bachelor (again, hold your judgement), and it revealed that some of these beautiful women were still virgins. I ended up asking a few guys what they thought of girls being virgins, and the answers all varied. One said that its not a plus, but rather a minus. He said that she would not be experienced enough or know what to do. Another guy answered by saying that it all really varies because people don’t need to go lose their virginity or necessarily keep it. He thought that it was all subjective to the person and their life, and if they had lost it, then they had lost it and if they didn’t, they didn’t. He thought it was a very fluid thing that didn’t have a time requirement necessarily, so he didn’t see why you would need to care if your partner was a virgin or not. He also didn’t think that those who have had sex would necessarily be any better than those who have had sex. Then the last viewpoint I got was that it would be a plus for the girl to be a virgin because that means she is untouched in that particular way, and it could be special between the two of you, and you wouldn’t be picturing her with all of her other romantic partners. 

Comment if you have any thoughts you’d like to share, I’d love to hear them! 

Memories

The power of memory is terrible thing. The more you try to shut something out, the greater the force it has when it is reopened. We may not even try to fetch the memory, but our brain does it for us. One visual trigger is all it takes, and suddenly we find ourselves walking down memory lane. I would like to say the memories are pleasant because no matter what happens in the end, you can always think to the memory of what was once the reality, and it isn’t tarnished with age like the newest memories put to store. It sucks that having a scale of what one once felt is possible, simply by remembering one single detail. It floods our minds with emotions and drowns out our logic. We can’t rationalize. We can only think of the sorrowful feeling we get when we look back to those feelings. To know how powerful a simple touch or grasp, a biting whisper in our ear trying to contain its passion, a gaze that tells you everything you need to know, could remain imprinted into our mind forever. You begin to feel invigorated as you try to move past the heartbreak you once felt. You attempt to do a 180 and find a completely different type of feeling. But then reality hits you as you’re in the throes of a new fling, and you realize that it’s not the same. You tell yourself it’s what you wanted, change is good right? That’s not the case when the one who used to strive to change everything begs for it all to stay the same. They beg you to stop altering the world around them because it was once so fitting. It felt so right in that moment, and then in the next, it vanished right from their grasp. It is a terrible thing to have felt something and lost it, because sometimes you wish you had not felt at all. It’s impossible to live up to a passion as great as one has felt before, if it was the perfect fit. No one else could fit into the glass slipper, and it is the same with those who attempt to fill your heart with a new emotion. Compared to the perfectly slim and curved foot, it is too thick and soft around the edges. It may be a compassionate love, but it doesn’t fill the gap the same, even if it earnestly tries.