Lethargy 

I feel tired, I want to sleep, my motivation is ceasing, and all I can think of is how this isn’t me. I haven’t been me for a while… Not just a few weeks, but for months, I’ve been some other person. I’ve lost the part of me that I love. To some it may seem trivial, it may appear to be lust, or come across as petty that something as simple as earthly desires occupies my mind so frequently. I apologize, it’s just something that never leaves my mind. For the longest time, I was free, I shared affection with those around me, and I loved life. When I’d become exclusive with someone, I’d easily turn people down, but still maintain a sincere friendship with them. The reason I turned them down so easily is not because I felt I had to or that they weren’t perfect in their own way, but because I was perfectly content in my current lover’s arms. When I’m in love I feel whole. Not because I need someone else to be complete. I don’t need someone to be happy. It’s the fact that I can express a part of me that is otherwise left unrevealed. I’m very affectionate. Not just your typical huggy, cuddly type, but even more. When I kiss your lips, I want to sense every part of your mouth. How you taste, how your lips feel pressed against mine, your breath. When I kiss your neck as I straddle your lap, I am in my most comfortable state. The action of kissing your neck is very enjoyable, but it’s not even just that. It’s watching you tilt your neck to expose more skin for my lips to devour. It’s hearing a groan escape your lips. Feeling you relax and enjoy every sensation. As I trail kisses up your neck and reach your ear lobe, I love the shift in reaction. To me, your ear lobe is perfect. It’s soft and adorable and fun to nibble on. For you, this simple, innocent part of your body contains nerve endings that somehow send pleasure throughout your body. There’s something about such an innocent body part providing you with pleasure that makes me happy. I love to run my hands through your hair and hold your head in my hands not only because I know it feels nice, but also because feeling your hair in my hands makes me content. It’s soft and perfect, and smells like you. When I sink my body into yours as I grind into you, I don’t simply enjoy the act just because it’s turning me on. I like to grind into you, to bring my body closer to yours, so that I can get as close to you as possible. I want to feel every inch of you pressed up against me, because to me, you are perfection. Perhaps I’ll finish the list of sexual acts at a later date, but for now, this will do. My point is, affection is one of my main modes of self expression. It makes me feel more like myself. I haven’t truly touched someone without inhibitions in a very long time. Just like in other aspects of my life, I’m quite particular and meticulous when it comes to choosing who I touch, simply because touch means so much to me. I don’t waste my time all too often, cuddling, kissing, or hugging the wrong people. When I like you, it means something, it doesn’t happen that often. So far, my methods have worked, I’ve never regretted a single touch. I wish to continue this way, but I’m not so sure how long I can hold off. I miss it. That human to human contact that reminds us of what it’s like to be alive. The foreign feeling of a first kiss with someone new. 

Some words

Sometimes life happens and you feel yourself get swept away in the tide of everyday activities and interactions. You see the crash and fall of the waves, but sometimes you don’t feel them like you naturally would. Something’s on your mind. Your thoughts can’t help but wander. Where do they wander? Is it to thoughts of a significant other? A new romantic interest? Is it that old flame that still burns and singes your soul? Is it wandering to thoughts of finding that thing called love that everyone talks so fondly about? They wander everywhere. Currently stuck on the beautiful idea of a twin flame. “What is a twin flame?” It is a concept that can give you hope or break you down entirely. To those who haven’t found a remarkable spark with anyone, the idea that a greater connection and love brings happiness to them—also alluding to the fact that they haven’t lost their shot yet. Some have love and lost— sometimes they just so happen to lose their twin flame. How would they lose it if it is an even stronger bond/ connection/ passion than a soulmate, you ask? Well you never truly lose it— it becomes unavailable, unattainable, too difficult to hold onto. Not every lost twin flame is gone forever, but sometimes it appears that way. It all comes down to the two individuals who share that connection. Are you stubborn? Are you foolish enough to let your twin flame walk even farther out of your life while you’re settling for a lesser passion? Are you scared? Are you too blind to see that you’re losing them day by day? Are you too heartbroken to give it another shot? If so, you might just lose them. It is a little difficult to continue to try when the odds are against you. History is made, and sometimes bridges are burned. Sometimes those pained goodbyes are final. It’s not because neither of you feel anything for each other anymore— you might feel everything, but you’ll never tell…

The other day I watched a movie that portrayed this kind of connection. They broke up because it was necessary, not because the love had faded. It never faded, even after 20 years of being apart. They still thought of one another after all of that time had passed. When they saw each other after all of those years, the connection, the passion, the yearning for one another still remained. It’s not the conversations they had, or the things that they shared in common, or the things they knew about one another. It was the need to be next to one another, with no clear reason. It is the desire to see and talk to that soul, because it is the only one yours finds effortless comfort with. They craved each other’s bodies– not because their bodies were perfectly toned and proportioned, but because that body belonged to the soul they couldn’t bare to live without.

Of course the movie didn’t end well…. I just so happened to conveniently remember towards the end, that the writer of the story is notorious for creating sad movies involving deaths to induce tears and despair in the viewer.

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

Oxcytocin 

The other day I made a list of the things that make me happy. At the moment it is small, but I’m going to continue to add things when they come to mind. One actually just came to mind, but it may or may not be the subject of this post: indulging in physical affection. In my definition, physical affection can range from cuddling, kissing, fondling (ehh that’s a strange word, let’s go with groping), making out, etc. All of these things bring me a lot of happiness, because they’re very fun… As humans, we crave these things… Generally… And when we’re deprived of them, we begin to feel withdrawal. Well I do at least…

Currently my oxytocin levels are dropping quickly, and I’m beginning to feel the affects. Though I would love to be indulging in this side of me way more than I have been for the past few months, I think the fast from the physical part of relationships is good for me in a way. Lately I’ve felt my senses are heightened, and I believe there may be a correlation between the two. I’m not sure how many of you have used this particular object, but I’m going to use it as an example anyway… You know those head massaging things? They tickle like crazy, and the sensation is kind of orgasmic? Well I’m not sure how many of you overdosed on the feeling of the thing until you nearly desensitized yourself from it… But I almost did. So going with that thought, I think that indulging in physical desires too much can cause the sensations to eventually dull into a numb feeling. Though, if you reverse that, and deprive yourself from physical desires for a while, I think you’re more sensitive to even the slightest touch. When I say my sensations are heightened, I also mean my hearing, and every other sense I have (smelling, sight, etc), along with touch. A few weeks ago, one night, I was laying in bed in total darkness, watching a thunderstorm. I may or may not have written about this… my memory is failing me. While I was listening, seeing, and sensing every action of the storm, my senses were going crazy. Every inch of my body reacted to the sight and sound of the lightning, thunder, and rain. It was quite miraculous how such a simple storm could evoke such a reaction from my body. 

Though I love having such heightened senses, I would risk lowering them for a nice dose of oxytocin. I watched my favorite movie today called “how to lose a guy in ten days,” and it reminded me of just how amazing physical affection is. When watching this movie, I was reminded of the electric passion in a kiss, the connection that occurs as two tongues dance with one another, intermingling, bringing both a euphoric sensation as the dance goes on. How a simple embrace can cause you to melt into one another, feeling every inch of each other’s bodies pressed against each other, begging to be closer. How a gaze can elicit desire and interest, without a word needing to be spoken. And how the sensation of your lover’s lips running along your skin can drive your senses wild. 
Well, looks like physical affection became the topic. Though all I was aiming to do, was to mention those two things that make me happy. The first being physical affection, and the second is watching chick flicks/ my favorite movie (how to lose a guy in 10 days). 

Memories

The power of memory is terrible thing. The more you try to shut something out, the greater the force it has when it is reopened. We may not even try to fetch the memory, but our brain does it for us. One visual trigger is all it takes, and suddenly we find ourselves walking down memory lane. I would like to say the memories are pleasant because no matter what happens in the end, you can always think to the memory of what was once the reality, and it isn’t tarnished with age like the newest memories put to store. It sucks that having a scale of what one once felt is possible, simply by remembering one single detail. It floods our minds with emotions and drowns out our logic. We can’t rationalize. We can only think of the sorrowful feeling we get when we look back to those feelings. To know how powerful a simple touch or grasp, a biting whisper in our ear trying to contain its passion, a gaze that tells you everything you need to know, could remain imprinted into our mind forever. You begin to feel invigorated as you try to move past the heartbreak you once felt. You attempt to do a 180 and find a completely different type of feeling. But then reality hits you as you’re in the throes of a new fling, and you realize that it’s not the same. You tell yourself it’s what you wanted, change is good right? That’s not the case when the one who used to strive to change everything begs for it all to stay the same. They beg you to stop altering the world around them because it was once so fitting. It felt so right in that moment, and then in the next, it vanished right from their grasp. It is a terrible thing to have felt something and lost it, because sometimes you wish you had not felt at all. It’s impossible to live up to a passion as great as one has felt before, if it was the perfect fit. No one else could fit into the glass slipper, and it is the same with those who attempt to fill your heart with a new emotion. Compared to the perfectly slim and curved foot, it is too thick and soft around the edges. It may be a compassionate love, but it doesn’t fill the gap the same, even if it earnestly tries.

The girl and her teddy bear

The girl and her teddy bear.

At a young age a little girl was introduced to her brand new teddy bear. She had been given baby blankets, quirky toys, and all other sorts of stuffed animals. Nothing had sufficed, until that day.
Adults looked at her and her teddy bear, and assumed the love for him wouldn’t last long, because she had never become attached to any of her other toys. Even if she ending up becoming attached, they all knew that the love for your teddy bear as a child is only a passing faze.
Years passed by as the little girl grew, she matured, her personality evolved and changed. Yet she still had the same love for her teddy bear. She told herself that she would keep her teddy bear forever and never let him go.
While all the years were passing she also grew very possessive of her teddy. When other kids would try to take him she would get upset easily. She thought that if someone took him she didn’t know what he would do without her. They had shared their bond for so long, she knew her teddy bear could never be somebody else’s teddy bear, it just wouldn’t be the same. When anyone would take him and even threaten to hurt him, the little girl did anything to save her teddy bear from the grasps of their hands.
She and her teddy bear slept together every night, she cuddled him close never letting him go. They played together everyday, and she would hide him in her backpack so she could have him at school as well.
That little girl is now an old woman, and she has stayed with her teddy bear through thick and thin all those years. No one ever understood the love or the bond they had for each other, but they knew all along that it would last a lifetime.
In the end this wasnt a story about a girl an her teddy bear. It was a story about the love between two highschool sweet hearts, carie and teddy, that lasted forever.

The cuddle weather looming on the horizon

At the end of last summer I was dreading the cold lonely days that we know as cuddle weather…. (for those of you who don’t, it consists of the late fall and early winter months). The calm air that slowly knocks the leaves one by one to the ground, informing us that winter will be approaching in only just a little while. What makes these months enjoyable, despite the fact that we are no longer sweating down our backs when we just step outside, is that we can take full advantage of the excuse of needing a cuddle buddy :3.
The reason why last year was a lonely cuddle weather for me, was because I was single, with no cuddle buddy in sight. It was mid fall when I had realized my true desire for a cuddle buddy, but at that point it was to late. Everyone had coupled up after their promiscuous summer days, and things fell back into a coupled cycle, everyone already having their cuddle buddy reserved.
My lack of a cuddle buddy made me feel lonely because I could only imagine the endless cuddle weather activities you could do with one :D. Like: sipping hot cocoa, sitting by the fire, cuddling anywhere (outside on a blanket, inside on a couch, or a bed, etc.), keeping each other warm ;), pretending to be arctic dragons that blow air (like when you blow air and you see your breath in the winter) instead of fire :p, going on walks only to come back to a warm house to defrost, watching movies snuggled up in a blanket, going to bonfires together, the options are limitless :).
I think I’ll end this post stating that I think we all learn something new every day given a minuscule event that may happen in our day. I say this because I learned a little tid bit of information today as a result of this post. I wasn’t quite sure what months went with each season, so I googled it :). I learned that fall consists of: September, October, and November. Winter: december, January, February. Spring: March, April, may. Summer: June, July, and August. (just in case you didn’t know that :p).

Bring on the cuddle weather :3!!!