I’m sacred that I’ll convince myself once more that I am wholeheartedly over you. I’m afraid I’ll fall into that abyss of denial and will never find my way back to you. I’m quick to guard my heart, which means if you tell me I’m single, I’ll prove it to you. I’ll share the most meaningless exchanges and inject as much meaning as I can for the other person. I’ll gain their affections, hoping their piqued interest will someway invigorate my attraction to them. Currently I’m playing this little game, I already have my first play in motion, and I’m afraid it is working all too easily. You see I’ve never really had trouble in this game, I just chose to never play it, cause it didn’t suit my style. Instead I played the waiting game. I’d observe the players that walked by, and if any looked particularly unique, then I’d prepare to play. They’d take note, and the games would begin. The only reason I ever participated is because when I waited, I had the opportunity to play an entirely different game altogether. I found that when you play with the best, you always have the most fun. I miss playing with the professionals, the rookies aren’t just cutting it. They don’t know how to make my heart skip a beat, or give me those nervous butterflies. Though maybe it is due to the fact that my heart’s just not in the game anymore. My body is, but even it wants to retract and discontinue what I’ve started. I have many options, but you’re the only one I love.
Today has been an interesting day for me. There haven’t been many ground breaking interactions or events, it is just that a lot has raced through my mind today. Today I feel antsy and energized, one may even call it restless. It isn’t a different feeling for me necessarily, but it is heightened because I made the poor choice of drinking half of an energy drink this evening. One could say I am quite hyped…. I am actually kind of sad too. I am in an odd reflective, energetic mood, so a lot of random thoughts will be voiced throughout this post.
The first thing I would like to start off with is that today I was thinking about my funeral. No, I am not dead yet, nor am I planning it in anticipation, nor am I writing this from the dead. A vision popped into my mind though about how I would like my funeral to be. I want my favorite musician’s (The Weeknd) music to be played throughout the funeral. EVERY SONG HE HAS EVER SUNG. So however long that takes, would be the duration of my funeral. It is not because I want to torment my family and friends with music that I already play constantly, it is simply based on the fact that there is something about his music that feeds my soul. My body reacts to it in such a different way than it does towards other music. It isn’t necessarily the lyrics, but sometimes it is. However, the song I would have played at the end of my funeral would be about just that: the lyrics. It is titled “Angel,” and is by far one of his saddest songs (in my opinion). In this song, he sings the verse “I hope you find somebody to love” many times, and every other utterance eats away at my heart. It is because he doesn’t say that to mean exactly that, he sings it in a mournful way towards what he and the girl he is singing about once shared. This song would be played at the end with the sole purpose of speaking to the guy I love one last time. I want the overall event to be joyous and cathartic, but I definitely feel that every funeral has a sad note to it, and depressingly enough, I would like for mine to end on a sad, reflective note.
Throughout my funeral, while the songs play, I want people to dance, talk, and interact without a care in the world, not worrying about how others are perceiving them for their poor dancing skills. I want my guests to be weird, eccentric, and most importantly, fully immersed in all senses. If someone cries, I want them to not feel any need to hold it in, or be quiet, I don’t want them or anyone else to feel awkward about it. I want it to be a mess of emotions, a fully raw experience, whether they be sad about my death or not. I want it to be an opportunity for them to look at life differently. It wouldn’t necessarily matter that I’m gone, I don’t even care if they shed one tear for me, but I do have one condition. I want people to begin living life differently. No, not change themselves. Live and love like you’re taking your last breath. Dance like everybody is watching and don’t give a rip. Lastly, stop feeling self conscious with new people or any people for that matter. We all are human, we get quiet, stumble on our words, and make fools out of ourselves. So stop letting silly things like self-consciousness get in the way of you living your life. One more thing, stop thinking so hard about being “normal.” Be you and do you, that’s all I ask.
To end this, I would like to bring up one last thing. I am frustrated at the world around me, which is partly why I wrote this post. Right now I feel the urge to contact each and every person I feel like contacting and say exactly what is on my mind (not necessarily the same thing to every person, cause I have different topics flowing through my mind currently) without having to think about what was last said and feel as though I need to “stay on topic” whatever that means… (it means humans are notoriously boring in conversation due to this obsession). I want to know that other people share the sentiment that life is precious and we should start living like every moment is our last. Everything around me is so stagnant, and people are so hesitant, all in efforts to not step on anyone’s toes. Yet there comes a time when you just need to LIVE YOUR FREAKING LIFE. That is all. Goodnight.
Happy as ever, a picture perfect couple on paper. Around everyone else you two appear to be happier than ever. Deep inside you both are breaking. You want to make this work, but is it simply becoming a test to see how long you can maintain it? Sure you two care for one another, but where is the passion, the lust, the total understanding. No not the best friend kind of understanding. The kind that when you look into that person’s eyes, you know you’ve finally found that feeling, that connection that you’ve been looking for. It’s not just a lustful gaze, comfortable gaze, or a passionate gaze, it’s all of those and more combined into one look. You two are the only ones in the room in that moment, and everything fades away. The objects in the room are just a blur to you. All you see are those beautiful eyes staring back at you. That’s surely not what this is though… Yes there’s history, and yes they’ve got your back, but is them being them simply enough for you? If years down the road you were to meet again, with faded memories, and see them pounds heavier, would that feeling they give you still remain the same? If they were to do something that frustrated you to no end, would your reasoning be to get mad now, but not give up on them because the feeling of being apart would tear you apart to no end? Is your love for them unconditional? Not simply meaning you’d go out on a limb for them. That’s caring for someone–It’s quite common. The kind of unconditional that draws you to them when they’re away. They remain in your thoughts even when out of sight. The kind of connection that no matter what they do, no matter what’s going on, no matter how they look, just being them is enough. That’s all that matters. You wouldn’t have it any other way. You don’t want someone fitter, more intelligent, more accomplished, you want them. Only them. They’re perfection. Not external perfection, but rather internal. Every part of their soul resonates with yours and brings you peace, happiness, and fulfillment. If something exists between you two that we all can’t see, then by all means, continue on, keep the details of your relationship a secret to others. Allow others to see only a mirage of the two of you. Pretend to be the cookie cutter perfect couple. When you two appear to fumble and sink into a boring depressive state in public, don’t feel the need to defend your relationship if there’s more to it all that no one else is able to see but you two. If being apart is harder than being with them, then by all means, stay and savor every moment you’ve got. They’re your definition of perfect, not anyone else’s. Don’t feel the need to defend a connection you know is strong. Though if what they all say is true, if they’re simply not the one for you, listen to them, listen to those doubts you’re having. Perhaps you care for them, but spending your time with someone who doesn’t truly love you unconditionally, who you don’t truly love unconditionally, is surely a waste.
To those of you who read this thinking it was about you, just know that this isn’t just one person or couple I’m talking about. This is based on a mixture of all the relationships I’ve seen around me. But if at any point this made you think of someone, or a relationship, don’t ignore that. Just look at this like one of those cheesy reposts on Instagram with the caption “I never mentioned a name, but someone popped into your head while reading this.”
Time is a social construct made for those who feel compelled to measure life, measure moments, measure the time it takes to obtain happiness. There are others who disregard this petty measurement. They don’t see it as lacking or possessing value, it simply exists to them. A short love is not any less powerful than a longer love. You commit for a year, you commit for 4 months, the longest must be the strongest, right? It just might be the one that was worth holding onto. Well maybe that’s the case, but other times, the love most fleeting, those connections torn apart by bad timing, those are even more powerful, consuming, and captivating. However, let’s not discount time all together, for it plays a more drawn out role in those shorter love affairs too. It’s the time spent yearning for a lover’s presence after the split, it’s the time you’ll never get back, but couldn’t care less. The longer something resonates within your mind, the harder it becomes to deny it your attention.So when you pride yourself at staying together so long, 1 year, 2 years, whatever it may be, and celebrate that milestone, I apologize for my perplexed expression. Yes, it’s commendable that you’ve stuck together for so long, but I can’t help but be saddened by the thought that it’s so prevalent in your mind. What’s with the counting? The tallying of the days? I feel as though that alters your mind to think of it as a challenge, not a pleasure, to stay with one another. It’s like one of those games that requires intense endurance, that you can’t wait to set the record and finally take a rest (traffic master or flappy bird anyone…). Sure, setting that record feels great, and it provides ultimate bliss, but you’ve just cheapened the game. Where is the pure enjoyment of playing it? I think the problem is that it was never for the fun of the game, it was winning, it was beating the rest, proving you could do it.
Now I’m not saying you must look at games differently, but I feel you should look at relationships and love differently if this is the mentality that you’ve adopted. It’s not failure to lose a relationship 1 week in, 1 month in, 2 months in, etc. It’s simply a byproduct of self discovery. Your self discovery, but also the self discovery of who you date and choose to love. You find what you’re looking for, how you want to be treated, how you need to be treated, and they do the same. If in the process, one of you finds that it’s not working, it’s not a failure. In fact, that’s a success. You may not think that at the time, but when you’re happy years down the road, knowing that you two weren’t meant to be, you’ll be glad you stopped tallying the days and trying to set your new best record for the longest relationship you’ve had. Because that’s when you’ll find a relationship that feels like you’ve only been together for a week, when in reality, it’s been years. Days will blend together, and you won’t care to keep track of how long it’s been, cause that’s not important to you. You live in the moment of love, and that’s all that matters.
There you stand in your life, having a great time. You’ve got the girl, yet you still have those who meant something to you before, still answering your messages. Soon everything will change. Not abruptly, but gradually. You know that one who “means something to you,” so you insist on remaining friends. Well now it takes a little longer for her to get back to you. You notice she doesn’t compliment you the way she did before. It appears as though in her mind, all of that history between you two has vanished. The next thing you know, you start hearing of her new guy. No, not that friend of yours. Although why did the idea of the two of them together bother you so much when you had already moved onto someone else? This guy of hers shows her the love she’s been holding out for for all of these months she’s been heartbroken by you. He holds her tight and doesn’t let go. In every hug and every kiss, he lets her know she’s all his. He cherishes being with her, and let’s her know that he’s not going anywhere. He’s everything she’s wanted in a guy, and more. The next thing you know, you begin to allow your mind to snap into reality of what goes on behind the scenes. Those lips you used to kiss are know being passionately kissed by another man. That beautiful cascading hair is now grasped by someone else’s hands. Those eyes that used to stare into yours are now looking into someone else’s lustful gaze. That body you used to explore with your hands isn’t in your possession anymore. Her heart, her soul, her mind, and every part of her is now his. You got what you wanted: her friendship, even when it was killing her inside. Well an unfortunate byproduct was that you also lost her. She’ll remain your friend forever, but now it’s your turn to face the reality that her soul has found company in someone else’s sheets. The secret side of her personality that you got to see is now being displayed to her new guy. Although you may not notice, he’s like you in a million ways, all but one quality that is: he’s never letting her go. Soon these images will become more vivid as time passes. It won’t simply be a little kiss forever. Soon you’ll face the reality that this guy doesn’t just kiss those lips, he ravishes every inch of her body, in some ways you never got the chance to.
When you finally begin to realize you’re feeling the terrible feelings that she felt before, know this: that love you see between the two of them isn’t like what you two shared. She’ll put on a happy face, but chances are, her heart still yearns to be with you.
So when it inevitably happens, remember not to give up, cause I’m sure it would be tempting. You’ll think to yourself “she’s happy, she doesn’t treat me or talk to me the same way she did before, she’s moved on. There’s no point. She’s happy with him.”
Tell her you miss her. Finally share your thoughts. That’s all it will take to knock her back into reality. You don’t do it often–which is why she’ll pay attention.
Just today I was scrolling through instagram’s main page, and I continued to see pictures of my favorite musician and his new girlfriend. The first time I saw a picture of them I was instantly happy for him; he finally was with a girl who he couldn’t stop smiling around. There has been lots of talk by the fans about how sad they are to see him with a girl (because they’re kinda obsessed with him…), how these photos were all supposedly stolen and then leaked, and how this new girl can’t possibly compare to the girl he was singing about in all of his previous songs. None of that really matters though. For someone who can resonate with the somber tone portrayed in a lot of his earlier work, it makes me happy to see that even when you’ve appeared to sink so low, there’s the possibility that there’s someone out there that could possibly change that–maybe not forever, and perhaps not the same way you’ve felt before–but at least enough to get by for just a while. Enough to change up your tone and give you the perspective you need to be yourself once again. I know we don’t necessarily lose ourselves when we’re depressed and introspective, but we lose that light in our eyes. Everything singes your soul so much that you’re numb, yet feelings still flood onto a page and appear as though you feel every inch of them. It’s not that you don’t feel them, it’s that you feel them so intensely, it’s hard to sense the change. Through this, the line between happiness and sadness seem to blur. You can feel glee one moment, and in the next, you’re unable to recall what it’s like to be happy. Then one day, something, or someone snaps you back to reality. For my favorite musician, it’s his new muse. For the mean time it appears as though his old ghost (old heartbreak/ ex) no longer haunts him. He’s been set free. He found a girl who seems to help him forget his past heartbreak. It’s quite fitting that he will be releasing a more upbeat album soon, because it is exactly the kind of music I’ll be looking for. In the next few months I’m going to experience some change. In about one month precisely, I’ll be settled and ready to make some changes in my love life.
Currently I’m still single, like you all probably know. I’ve had feelings for guys, but nothing has happened yet. Here in France, I have less than two weeks, so I surely won’t be starting anything with a french guy. Once I get home I have two more weeks before I head off to college. Who knows if anything will happen. If it does, it will most likely be a no-strings-attached goodbye fling of making out and cuddling. Who knows. All I know is that I’m ready for a new tempo. My last posts have been hinting towards a sense of not letting go. Well now is the time that I must. I’ve gone on too long with my unpredictable emotions affecting my choices (when it comes to dating) and my writing. From now on, I intend to simply focus on treating everyone with love and kindness and see where it goes. I’m going to purge anger, resentment, sadness, and any other negative emotions from my system.
Now I won’t make any promises that this blog will be purely all about thoughts of positivity and happiness, cause we all do still have our down days, but I’m going to make an effort to look at life through a new filter.
I wrote this one day, while I was torturing myself by reminiscing about old flames. I considered not posting it, but after reading it once more, I realize that perhaps it’s not my best work, and maybe I was caught up with my emotions for that time, but this blog is my “journal” after all, so here’s what I’d write if this blog were still anonymous. For those of you who know me past my blog, I recommend you proceed with caution, cause perhaps the things I’ve written may upset you (if they’re about you or not about you). There’s no slander or anything of that kind of sort. Though I’m giving you an out now, before you begin.
One time you asked me how often I think about you. At the time I had actually purged you from my thoughts for quite some time, so the answer was infrequently. Recently my answer has changed. Thoughts of you have popped into my mind time and time again. The memories are painful to me. It wasn’t long, and we didn’t even go that far, but I know we could have been great and that’s what leads me to be upset. We never ran our full course. Though I want to write a billion things in a somber tone, I am determined to give this post an upbeat vibe. So here are the things I miss.
When you and I’d talk I remember seeing your smile. I’m not sure if I ever told you this, but I loved that smile. It was infectious. It also reminded me of what your personality would look like if boiled down into a smile. Stubborn, cute, obnoxious, and playful all wrapped into one.
Your personality. I’m not sure what it was, but for some reason your presence always left me content. At times a bit agitated possibly, but that’s only because you were being your extra obnoxious self that day. Along the way, I came to love that. You were only you. You told me your real thoughts on things, not just answers you’d think would align with mine. You teased me back when I was being my usual playful self. It made me happy—I had finally met my match—someone finally understood that I’m simply looking to receive the same smart ass replies that I’m giving out. Your charisma attacked me every time I saw you, it was magnetic. I remember thinking to myself before we got together that just by simply talking with you (as friends), I felt more fulfilled than I ever had, compared to how it was with my exes. Sure I had physical connections with guys, but never truly mental connections.
It frustrates me to think of the last day we had together as a couple, cause it makes me miss you. It was overcast and rainy, and you were wearing a maroon ish sweater. I’m not sure if I had told you this either, but that was my favorite shirt of yours. In it you were perfectly cuddly and soft and it made me want to nap in your arms all day.
As I’m finishing this post I’m tempted to delete it all. I’m feeling ready to give up, because it just dawned on me that if you really felt the same I wouldn’t be stuck here missing you all alone. I wouldn’t have to think of you with her.
You know, funny story. Ever since we’ve been apart I’ve been close to starting fresh with some other guy, but I can’t bring myself to follow through with it. There was one guy who I truly wanted, possibly still want, but I don’t think I can continue wanting other guys with you in the back of my mind. It’s surely not goodbye yet, but I’m afraid that’s coming soon. I need to know what your feeling or else I may have to disappear for good. I know you don’t like talking about your feelings—you’ve always been really secretive about that—but just this once I’d like you to go out on a limb and attempt to tell me whether or not I’m simply wasting my time.