EmbarrassmentĀ 

Let me start off by letting you know that this topic isn’t based on a recent embarrassing experience of my own or anything. Tonight I went to a small event, and at this event, there was a guy who once had a small thing for me. While we were getting to know one another a few months back, he did something that he was embarrassed about. In the end I didn’t continue talking to him, cause at that point in time I wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship, like him and all of my perusers at the time. So now fast forwarding to tonight. As I was heading to the event, my sister’s boyfriend (who’s best friends with the guy) informed me that the guy still felt awkward about the small thing that happened months ago… I’m talking the start of last fall semester. It’s been at least 8 months I’d say? But the guy still remembers it clear as day. Before I was informed of this tonight, I had completely forgotten about it all together. The guy could have talked to me and I would have been friendly as usual, and I wouldn’t have remembered a thing. It all ended up being a non-event when I saw him, cause he basically was quiet and slightly awkward because he’s still holding onto that memory of embarrassment. Now I’d like you all to know, I don’t judge people at all for moments when they don’t act in a way that represents themselves. Whether their awkward moment results from voluntary or involuntary actions. I’ve embarrassed myself a fair amount of times, and I realize we all do dumb things. We all do things every once in a while, that we look back on and realize we don’t like what we did in that moment. It’s a part of being human, cause we’re not perfect, we make errors all of the time, and we just have to let those things go. 

Now I didn’t write this post to highlight his embarrassment or awkwardness for the night. I’m writing this post to talk about choosing to forget our embarrassments. Like I said above, I’ve done my share of embarassing things, and they weren’t pleasant. The difference between me and this guy, is that I choose to pretend these embarrassing moments in my life never happened. Now some may say that I’m in denial, that I’m hiding a part of me, that I’m not true to myself if I act like it never happened. Though in some way those things may appear to be true, they’re all false. When you push a negative/ unpleasant memory into the shadows of your mind, you aren’t removing them, you’re just not dwelling on them. You don’t necessarily pretend that it was all just a dream, you just allow yourself to feel as though it was all a distant memory. The one point that is possibly the most false, would be that you’re not true to yourself when you push these memories into the shadows. These moments wouldn’t stick out to us in the first place, if we hadn’t believed we weren’t representing ourselves/ being represented for how we actually are. So these embarrassing moments don’t define us, cause they’re not truly how we are on a regular basis. That’s why letting these memories fade into the background is actually being more true to yourself than you could ever be. It’s allowing you to express who you truly are, without being held back by the self conscious thoughts that result from dwelling on embarrassing moments. 

If you allow all of your regrets and mistakes and embarrassing moments to pile into your conscious memory and thoughts, you’ll look like you’re carrying the world’s troubles on you shoulders. Continually thinking of your downfalls causes you to shine less and your sparkle dulls. You don’t see the spark in your own eyes, you just notice the dust that is causing them to haze. 

Though the main reason for my cutting of ties with this guy a few months ago was related to me just not wanting a relationship, it was also because of one particular thing I noticed about him. He didn’t have a sparkle in his eyes. His eyes looked hazed over, and masked by sadness, even when he was smiling. It was that small thing that caused me to decline. Though it may appear to be a minuscule reason to turn someone down, I think it was the most accurate indicator I’ve gone by yet. That small observation saved me from beginning something with someone who dwells on his downfalls, rather than focusing on his achievements.