Sometimes I write without thinking. I let the words flow out, and believe them to all be true. That does not always feel genuine though; because with each stroke of the keys, a bit more romanticization occurs. Each moment is put on a pedestal, just as a moment should be, yet it can be misleading. Behind each perfect moment is the conscious intent of trying to see the good and let the bad fade away, and with that, you get a flawless memory of an event. Then there are times when I write just the good, but the bad still ruminates in my mind. I fight it and beg it not to take my soul away from the appreciation of the good times. Moments are fleeting, life is only temporary, and we all are imperfect in our ways. We do what we know works and hope for the best. We’re all fucked up in our tiny ways, and sometimes those pieces of us affect others when we let them seep out into our actions. I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes the good and bad are so intense, that if you just focus on the good, something might appear to be perfection. On the other hand, when something is purely good and does not have those lows that make the highs feel higher, you may not have the words or the urge to write about that kind of good. I’ve found that the times in my life when I’ve talked to you (my readers) is usually when I was my most depressed. I sought to writing because it was my refuge away from the lack of silence in my own head. When I’d let any thoughts out, whether it was actually purging the bad ones or not, it would make me feel better. Writing something inspired in that time of my life made me feel like something was going right, even when nothing really was. A couple months ago, I was the saddest I had ever been, but wrote a lot of posts that I look back on and am pleased with how they make me feel. I guess at the very least during that time, I was introspective.
My body is at peace, my soul is in turmoil. Yet my soul is responsible for bringing my body the amount of nourishment it needs. I am not starving. My soul is preoccupied, and so therefore my body forgets the hunger. It doesn’t kill me. If anything, this is the medicine it needs. To truly desire the nourishment my body truly craves is a wonderful feeling. Here I am, all too often left even more indulged than I ever wanted. I feel uncomfortably full. I don’t like that feeling. So when my mind tells my body it is time to take a break from the nourishment, maybe it is trying to get my body to feel again. That overwhelmingly full feeling suppresses the satisfaction. It dampens the enjoyment of a perfect meal.
It’s not premeditated, it is simply forgetfulness. It is quite interesting that now is the time you feel the need to worry. Please don’t fret over me. I am handling myself. In fact, nothing is truly the matter at the moment. If something were, you wouldn’t have a clue. No one ever does. Though that is ok. I don’t need the council of others to help me back up when I am down. I’ve learned to deal with it on my own. If anything, handling it alone in a quiet room with some space to think and write is all I need to get back on track. If anything, all the worried words makes it worse. Remember how when you’d fall as a child, it wasn’t the pain itself that startled you, it was the gasps and worried eyes of those around you. The pain wasn’t even noticeable until it was brought to your attention. It prompts me to ask myself “is there something I should be upset about? Am I anorexic because I forgot a meal yesterday, then the next, decided I would prefer to stay in and eat a little less than an “adequate” meal?” No, it doesn’t. I am aware of how my emotions affect me, and it is simply the tunnel vision on my tasks that has me like this. Yes, I was feeling upset the other night and there are still some residual feelings, but it isn’t like these feelings weren’t present before. They have been going on for quite a while now, you just now got a glimpse of them. I didn’t intend to give you a preview of them, it just happened as a result of my will weakening. I didn’t have the energy to put on a fake facade that night.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever written about my opinions on advice. Though, no matter if I have or not, here is the updated version of what I feel about the topic. Recently I have come to realize that the more “advice” I get on how to live my life, the less I feel like those around me truly understand. I have made decisions based on my own intuition this far, and I have done quite well. I know what I can handle, I know what’s best for me, and I want to be in charge of what I do and do not regret. I feel like advice is a flowery word to mask what it truly is: others interjecting their opinion and judgement on the situation, not their understanding, and not their support.
A while ago, someone asked me if I had to pick between two extremes, which would I chose: a person who is constantly in my business, asking what’s wrong, giving advice, and being “there for me,” or someone who recedes for a while and allows me to be alone to handle my emotions on my own. At first I thought I would want the first, because I wouldn’t want the second who would “abandon” me when things got tough. Now that i think about it, I would choose the latter, because advice that lacks perspective is worse than no advice at all. Though, I’ve found that I prefer a silent presence over all. Someone I want around, who will just lay with me as I think about what’s on my mind.
Recently I’ve been thinking about the differences in the music we all listen to. For some, folk music is their preference. For others, heavy metal. Some like a mixture of things, but generally there is a primary fixation on one genre. Maybe the fixation waivers and switches to an entirely new genre all together, but for the time being, they are enamored with the genre, or particular artist. I think the common theme is that no matter who you are out of these people, or what music appeals to you, we all have one common motivation that draws us to our preferred genre. We listen to and seek the things that we identify with, but also the things that make us feel empowered. Now for those of you glancing at the screen with skepticism, I’ll explain what I mean by empowered exactly. You may think that it is surely not possible that everyone’s choice of genre could truly provide empowerment. Such as for the women who listen to sexually degrading rap and enjoy dancing/ singing along to it. Even if there seems to be an underlying conflict between the content and the audience, I still believe it can provide the empowerment that I am referring to. It isn’t the topic of the songs that is important in this instance. It is the melody, the beat, the way the voice in the song sounds, the emotions it evokes from the listener. Though, it may also relate to the topic in particular instances. Such as when that sexually degrading music is being produced by someone who has their own set of difficulties. No, I’m not saying that any misogynist should be let off the hook if they are going through a small difficultly. I’m talking about an underlying emotional turmoil of the artist. Say for instance that artist fell in love. They fell in love so deeply, and found someone that makes their life complete, there is no one else out there more perfect for them than that person. Then the artist makes a choice, or perhaps a mistake, and they are torn away from their love. Either way, or whether or not that was what led them to where they are now, they find themselves so famous, that they don’t know who talks to them for them or for their fame. There is also that factor that they’re constantly put on this pedestal by all of these people they meet. Given these circumstances, they can’t connect with anyone. No one cares to know the true them. All these people assume they already know everything they need to know about the artist as a person. They’ve listened to every word they’ve ever sung, read up on their wiki page, and saw a few interviews online, so they’re an expert on them, they know everything there is to this person. So when they meet them, there is only this bland, mundane, obsessive admiration. All of this is thrown at a person who has no clue as to a single detail of the admirer’s life. The artist may appreciate their fans very much, but I highly doubt they’d ever say they enjoy the one-sidedness of it all. Considering all that must be going through their head, mixed with regular sexual urges, you may come to the conclusion that there is a bit of disconnect. It’s no longer the sex that everyone has come to know as the norm in music— It’s not making love, It’s purely physical for this person. Mostly because those surrounding them regard them in the same light. Neither seeks to discover more about the other. So the lyrics come about from these encounters. The things they sing sound detached, because they are. They are no longer regarded as simply another soul. They live in a bubble of solitude, away from everyone else. It’s not because they started out with this detached view towards women initially, it is because they are describing all it is to them anymore. It is only the acts, only the body parts involved, only the pleasure, that they can see. My point is that even underlying lyrics that come across crude or disrespectful, there lies a back story that with the comprehension of, one could come to find themselves enjoying the music of this person. Such could also be said for music containing just about anything initially offensive. So, with all of these things, no matter what genre it is, it could happen to be the genre that leaves you feeling your most empowered.
Music can also provide catharsis that leaves us with the impression of empowerment. If you haven’t experienced or felt a sense of catharsis by listening to music, then I suggest you go searching for the music that will enable you to feel it, because it is invigorating. You feel and sense every detail of the song, every nuances with your entire body. You feel as though happiness and bliss is flooding through you. You are entranced by it, and find yourself becoming at peace. After the release, your mind is at rest, and the things that generally weigh on your mind have been lifted for the meantime.
The point of all of this random babbling is that I have come to acknowledge that the music that provides me with this feeling isn’t always everyone else’s cup of tea. Some think it is sad, overly sexual, and depressing. Well they are correct, it is all of those things and more, and I love it for each one of its components. For some reason, the music that brings me the amazing feelings I just described is the kind that possesses a sullen, dark, and sexual tone. The songs I like seem to resonate within me because they are a reflection of my energy. The more I listen to it, the more energized I begin to feel, and it feels as though I’m replenishing the energy that courses throughout my body. For me, the sadness doesn’t bring me down, it makes me feel alive. I like to hear theses kinds of songs, because you can feel the emotion. It reminds me of what it’s like to be human, where sadness is a reality. Sure, happiness is as well, but that can be faked easily. No one enjoys feigning sadness in the same manner, and even if they do fake it, there still lies a genuine ounce of hurt in their voice. I guess what it is that I love about sad songs is the potency of them.
Apathy and despair. Such attractive qualities, right? These kinds of people dampen the room faster than a broken dam, and make you feel all kinds of wonderful negative feelings. You become bored from the silence that ensues while they silently sulk. You give up when you attempt to sooth their fragile, secret emotions by asking them what’s bothering them. They’ll never tell you what you did, or what’s going on with them, but they’ll sure as hell judge you for not being a mind reader and accommodating to them. They’re the life of the party when they’re happy, but the second their mood begins to drop, people better direct their attention to assisting them back to their manic happiness state. The best part is, sometimes it’s not even your fault, and they’re being a sulky turd just for the hell of it. You talk to the brick wall for a few moments, and then realize it’s no use. The tension of silence covers the room like a looming storm, ready to strike lightning at anyone who dares to disrupt with an honest comment on their ineffective coping method. Enough about these people though, let’s dig into the real problem here. Passive aggressive, judgmental, cowardly methods of dealing with situations. When a situation arises that causes you to feel upset, the worst thing to do, is to wallow in it. Sure it may get you a lot of attention and sympathy, but it doesn’t spur you to grow more as a person. When you are honest and upfront with others in a calm manner, you show far more poise and confidence within yourself, than you ever could by just playing the victim card. Your method may assist you in making others look bad because they’re not attentive to your needs, but that doesn’t build you up as a person, that just calls others to rescue you because you’re unable to cope with anything.
Timidity vs competence. Timidity is nearly as frustrating as the traits mentioned above. Such as questioning yourself, and lacking the intuition to make executive decisions on how you’ll approach a situation. This causes you to leech onto others, hoping they’ll guide you, and make the decisions for you. Yet again, this prevents personal growth. There is no effort made by the timid person to become more confident, and competent with their abilities and actions. To continue being timid would be robbing yourself of all of the opportunities life has to offer to strengthen yourself as an individual. Though it may not seem like it, there is slight timidity in the very first scenario I mentioned. But it translates into a more apathetic form of timidity.
Now a lot of you may be reading this, confused as to what direction these thoughts are leading, and how they arose in such a random fashion. There was no particular order for these traits, but there was one common theme that I’d like to conclude with. All of these traits belong to ineffective, negative, draining, insecure, and unhealthy people. Though it may appear that I’m stating the obvious, I don’t think many people are able to take notice of when the people they’re surrounded by are acting in such a way, when its occurring. What I hope you all get from this, is simply a bit of reflection of those around you. I’m not saying to drop them from your lives, because that’s a bad approach in itself, but I am going to say this: identify what kind of energy those close to you, are exuding. Though some may preach that if you’re centered yourself, you should be able to handle all energies, good and bad without them affecting you, I have to disagree. You have the ability to guard against these negative energies to an extent, but they’re surely not the energies you should be approving of. Don’t attempt to change the person, just enlighten them to how their negative outlook and vibe, affect you in an adverse manner. You can suggest a different approach to handling their emotions, so that they exude vibes that strengthen the relationship and cause you to both feel uplifted by the bond and interaction. Though in the end, it’s ultimately up to the person to change their ways to better themselves as an individual.
I think we all are very aware of that endless voice in our head telling us how we actually should be acting 24/7. It telling us to remember to think, not just react immediately, when we’re annoyed. I feel as though that inner voice that may seem like a movie director at times, screaming at us: “I need more passion from you, more optimism for life! Remember, you’re a star darling, a star! Go to your happy place”. We all know when we may be over reacting and accidentally adding extra drama to a kind hearted film, that doesn’t require you to portray an overly somber person, but rather a light heated soul.
Sometimes I think we all need to summon our inner actor and turn that frown upside down. I’m not saying that we should sweep our emotions under the rug and clean them up later, if they are actual problems. Rather, I am saying that when something doesn’t go our way it isn’t the end of the world. When that souffle you make flops and turns inward rather than giving you that beautiful dome, bake another one; when you can’t see your favorite person in the entire world that day, plan another day to see them; when your dog dies get a new one!! 😀 (just kidding, that is actual a real problem you can get upset about); and if you feel you don’t look so hot today, remember there is always someone who looks worse than you out there ;).
When ever you want to explode about that tiny spot of your make up that just isn’t right, just summon your inner jungle cat, “you’re a tiger baby, a tiger ;P”. I just would like to point out that we usually wallow in every little measly thing for to long. We really should just shut up and stop stressing about the little stuff. I may have said this in a previous post, but I’m going to stay it again. We’re all lucky to have a life on this earth, it’s not like you’re dying right now. I know we all can not handle the moods we get. The feelings we have are usually just like a knee jerk reaction. Though that shouldn’t keep us from living our lives to the happiest extent we can.
If someone were to ask you right now if you could choose between these two options, which one would you choose?: live 100 hundred days constantly upset and then die, or live 30 of the happiest days of your life and then die?
If you’re like me and chose the latter of the two, then I have something to point out…. if you didn’t want to be upset for 100 days and then die, why would you choose to live the life you have now that way? It’s defeating the purpose of choosing the second choice, because you can’t help but follow the path of the first one accidentally.
I’m not going to say it is easy to not be bothered by the little things, but it sure makes a lot more sense to them them breeze on by. Today I was not a very good example when it came to pushing the small things aside. I wasted part of my day sulking about a small little thing. Instead of moving on and doing something to put me in a positive more productive state of mind. I actually did attempt to switch my emotions by reminding myself “you’re alive for goodness sake, what else do you want?!?”. It worked, and I was happy again. Then my mood got triggered by someone getting overly angry with me and I almost lost it. I didn’t end up loosing it too bad though, and eventually that mood faded. I can honestly tell you though, that the worst parts of my day resulted in me getting all worked up about minor problems.
So I bid you all adieu! I hope you all have a wonderful night, and start your day with a smile! ;D