Some words

Sometimes life happens and you feel yourself get swept away in the tide of everyday activities and interactions. You see the crash and fall of the waves, but sometimes you don’t feel them like you naturally would. Something’s on your mind. Your thoughts can’t help but wander. Where do they wander? Is it to thoughts of a significant other? A new romantic interest? Is it that old flame that still burns and singes your soul? Is it wandering to thoughts of finding that thing called love that everyone talks so fondly about? They wander everywhere. Currently stuck on the beautiful idea of a twin flame. “What is a twin flame?” It is a concept that can give you hope or break you down entirely. To those who haven’t found a remarkable spark with anyone, the idea that a greater connection and love brings happiness to them—also alluding to the fact that they haven’t lost their shot yet. Some have love and lost— sometimes they just so happen to lose their twin flame. How would they lose it if it is an even stronger bond/ connection/ passion than a soulmate, you ask? Well you never truly lose it— it becomes unavailable, unattainable, too difficult to hold onto. Not every lost twin flame is gone forever, but sometimes it appears that way. It all comes down to the two individuals who share that connection. Are you stubborn? Are you foolish enough to let your twin flame walk even farther out of your life while you’re settling for a lesser passion? Are you scared? Are you too blind to see that you’re losing them day by day? Are you too heartbroken to give it another shot? If so, you might just lose them. It is a little difficult to continue to try when the odds are against you. History is made, and sometimes bridges are burned. Sometimes those pained goodbyes are final. It’s not because neither of you feel anything for each other anymore— you might feel everything, but you’ll never tell…

The other day I watched a movie that portrayed this kind of connection. They broke up because it was necessary, not because the love had faded. It never faded, even after 20 years of being apart. They still thought of one another after all of that time had passed. When they saw each other after all of those years, the connection, the passion, the yearning for one another still remained. It’s not the conversations they had, or the things that they shared in common, or the things they knew about one another. It was the need to be next to one another, with no clear reason. It is the desire to see and talk to that soul, because it is the only one yours finds effortless comfort with. They craved each other’s bodies– not because their bodies were perfectly toned and proportioned, but because that body belonged to the soul they couldn’t bare to live without.

Of course the movie didn’t end well…. I just so happened to conveniently remember towards the end, that the writer of the story is notorious for creating sad movies involving deaths to induce tears and despair in the viewer.

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

Random thoughts

These are just random thoughts that run through my head. Guys please don’t be offended, cause I may be far off when it comes to guys like you, but in my experience with certain guys, this is what I have come to think about.

I wonder how guys seem to never dwell on past regrets. Letting a lover slip from their hands. They never seem to want that old touch, those old feelings again, to all be theirs once more. Some even seem to give up without a fight. Without ever screaming to the world that she may have been the one and now he sees it, and now he regrets letting it all go. Do you men ever fantasize of the what if’s? What if you tried harder to keep her? What if you showed her that she meant the world to you? What if you had loved her right? That perfect woman slipped through your finger tips into a new and gentle loving man, one who is going to treat her right. He’ll shower her with love and tell her how much he cares for her every day. But the sad part is, it will all be a facade. They’ll never have the lust, the chemistry, the passion, the undying everlasting love that you two had. Though that won’t be apparent to her. All she’ll see is that he expresses the emotion that she had always wished you would. Though they were empty declarations, they still worked because she just wanted to know that she was appreciated by her man. Some may think that running into the arms of a new man who she doesn’t even have the same raw emotion with just because he tells her she’s special, is quite pathetic. But it’s all human nature. No one wants to feel unimportant. We all want to feel of value, especially to the ones that mean everything to us. So sue her for wanting to feel appreciated for once by a man. Not many men seem to know how to love a woman right, but that’s ok. The few that do are a god send, and are fully appreciated by all woman kind. But the saddest part is that they don’t always find the real love, they just seem to make any kind of love last. Being content, yet not blissful is surely a terrible state I’d say. That’s why we fall for the ones we probably shouldn’t fall for. Typically the relationships with the most love are the hardest. Not because it’s healthy and perfect, because they’re surely far from it. But at the point where you know someone may not do anything, may not even put any effort into going to those lengths, just being them is all it takes. They’re your drug, and you’re instantly hooked. You can’t help but love them the way you do. No matter what happens, no matter what length of time, there’s always that eternal flame inside of you that burns bright with love for them. The flame may even cause pain, singeing your insides, but nevertheless, it all comes with the package of love you will always have for them, ready to deliver to their door step when it’s the right time.

Timing’s a bitch

You say that the timings not right, and you’re going to be busy… So we decide to stay just friends, with hopes of getting back together when there’s more time and things get less complicated.
The days go on and we go our separate ways. The first few months pass and it feels as though nothing is ever going to change, we hold onto the past never moving forward. When we take into realization the lack of progress, we make a self induced 180. We drastically change ourselves, trying to make up for the wasted months. We develop new patterns of thought to feel something new. Some things reflect the new perspectives we gained, others are there to replace that feeling of “not quite right”. Those “not quite right” thoughts aren’t apparent to us though. We don’t see that we’ve changed in some ways that aren’t representative of who we are, who we wanted to be, who we thought we were. You and I meet other people who believe that those new perspectives are a reflection of the real us. We create bonds over those things. We meet other people, and our worlds seem to grow farther apart. We aren’t who we once were. We’ve been changing at different paces, and haven’t managed to stay in sync. When we said goodbye, we also said goodbye to our common world. Our world’s without each other may have seemed only slightly different, but the difference was enough to shape us in ways that would drag us in separate directions.
It’s not that what we once had wasn’t strong, or wasn’t real. It was that we had to accept not having each other for a while. Accepting we couldn’t be together temporarily made it simpler to picture a never together. We could have been great. Our connection could have flourished.
Much like humans don’t leave a plant for a year though, and expect to find that plant instantly revived when they come to water it and give it sunlight after all that time. The plant was left in the dark all of that time. It lost hope day after day, wondering if it would survive without sun and water the entire year. It started to search its resources to find ways to stay alive. It took from the moisture in the soil, and the dirt as a place to stand comfortably and heartily. Eventually it can’t survive on what was once there before, and it slowly withers.
We come back to each other though after all of that time. We tell each other about our new lives without each other. If we would have predicted this moment a year ago, we would’ve told you that we’d jump into each others arms. We’d be eager to have each other after that painful wait. We’d finally indulge in each others bodies, we’d express the feelings we had to neglect for so long, we’d be surrounding by a whirlwind of passions… Happy tears would slowly run down our cheeks as we moved in sync touching all along each others bodies…. At once we could be together…
Here we are in this moment finally though, and I tell you about my life. I say “I met people, they’ve changed me. I’m no longer the girl you knew. I’m a fully developed woman now. I have connected with other guys. You know how I was pure when you met me? Well I’m quite tarnished now. I don’t resent the guys for what they shared with me, what they taught me, what they showed me…. I’ve leaned a lot I guess. They were deemed “appropriate” by society, but it didn’t make it feel any less wrong. I wish I could go back and rewrite how it all happened. If only we knew we’d change so much, we’d be so different, we’d have met new people, ended up falling in love with someone different than we thought we would….”
I tell you about him. The guy that is my future. You tell me about her…
We both feel numb to the sadness of not being able to be together. That feeling has been too repetitive to feel painful any longer. That part that was hanging onto the future between us has been calloused, protecting it from the old feelings. We go our separate ways, but this time we walk out of each others lives forever with no promise of a reunion 1 year from then…

More random things in my life

I have realized I have now created a pattern for myself. Right when someone breaks up with me, the next day, someone I am interested in always asks me out! So I go from breaking up with someone, strait to another relationship in a matter of days. The thing is, I don’t even give guys an inch of interest during that time, cuz I’m still in the break up mindset. But they always ask me out. If I wasn’t asked out by the guys I’m interested in, I’d be the type of person who would actually stay single for a while. Honestly though, with my track record, I think it’s impossible. I guess I’m to flirty without thinking about it, so when guys hear I’m single they decide to take a chance and ask me out. I don’t know…haha.

Another thing my lovely followers, and random passers bye. I have come to find in my few relationships that sometimes you can be with a person and think you know them, but you may not. You may think someone loves you because they say so, they may not. We all are constantly evolving as people, and sometimes our emotions and feelings decide to change to. Which results in changed feelings for someone you may have initially though you loved. We think that we know how to guard our heart, but we usually don’t. We think we’re intuitive and know if someone is genuine or fake. I don’t think we can ever see or predict how relationships will be. That’s why I believe we all might as well love with the fullest capacity of ours hearts. Although, these realizations also make me realize that as a virgin, if you think the person you give your virginty to will be with you forever, you may be wrong. Adding that aspect into it all brings about an even bigger let down. By doing that, you were vulnerable in every way. Only you know your own true intentions. The people we come across on life know their intentions as well, but we can never be sure that we truly know what theirs are. On the contrary, the people around you don’t know why your intentions are either. Moral of the story: give your heart to everyone you meet, not your V card. Your heart may hurt emotionally from a breakup, but losing your V card hurts in all ways.

Goodnight my readers. I must go to sleep, because my eyes are closing at this very second :p haha.

The story of my first kiss

The story starts like any other first kiss, we tried to find a place to be alone so that it wouldn’t be awkward or humiliating for me (because I’m pretty sure he had had his first kiss before). Or awkward and uncomfortable for anyone around who happened to see.
We found a room with no one in it, it had bookshelves formed into cubby holes, some mops, brooms, and a dust pan. We just walked around in the empty room together for a while and discussed whether or not I wanted to do it (because I was nervous). I told him that I wanted to, but I didn’t know. He simply replied “oh,” in an understanding non-pressuring tone. We just walked around some more and made little comments about the room.
Then he brought up showing me his abs, because I had asked to see them one time while we were messaging. The options he presented were: shirt completely off, or to just pull up his shirt a little bit. I decided on option number 1. Once he took off his shirt I couldn’t help but stare at his abs. So I gave myself a little while to ogle at them, but then quickly averted my eyes from them, and looked in his eyes. He looked at me looking a little nervous, as he posed the idea of whether I wanted to kiss him or not. I told him yet again, that I felt like I may be to nervous do it that night. He took me into a hug and just held me against him. After a while he said “I love you,” and I replied “I love you too,” that was the first time we had said it in person to each other, other than that we had only said it in text. While we were embraced I told him I wanted to kiss him and that I was so nervous. Then he said something that made me shift my face up to look at his lips for a little. We heard kids in the other room and I repeated what one of them said, then mufasa B said “what?” and then I replied “one of the kids said it haha.” While we were hugging, I felt him move his face a bit too. Then he also pointed out that I was shaking, which I hadn’t realized myself. I guess it was because I was nervous about whether or not I could kiss well.
A few minutes must had gone by while we were hugging, by then. I started to feel his hands slowly moving their way down my back inching close and closer to my butt. I said “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” when his hands had only made their way to a little below the waistline of my spandex workout pants. His hands retracted a bit and he froze, as he was about to say “what?” I quickly cut him off and explained my killing of the mood “I have a pad on, so it would probably feel weird if you accidentally touched it. I mean you can if you want to, but it may feel weird.” He continued on slowly, with sliding his hands down as he said “it doesn’t matter. As long as your fine with it?” he stopped a little as he said the last part, but then I confirmed that he could go on “yeah, I’m fine with it.” When both of his hands both had made their to my butt, nearly covering it with their size, he started a sort of kneading motion with his hands that felt great. “is this ok?” he asked. “yup” I replied.
During each knead he pulled our pelvises closer and closer together, and I tightened my arms around him to give him the message that I wanted to be closer I just was a little nervous and wasn’t thinking of what I could do with my hands.
I think once he found a rhythm with the kneading and pulling me closer he got a little more comfortable with the idea of kissing me, because he to was in fact, nervous as well. So when I accidentally gave the opportunity, he took it. I had shifted my head up to look at his lips again, and he swooped in with his lips before I could even think twice about it. It was good that he acted on instinct, because that was just the kind of push I needed to stop thinking about it and just dive in. His lips were full and smooth and had a completely unexpected quality to them. They felt soft, plump, and moist. We locked lips for about three to five presses before I started feeling his mouth part and his tongue trying to make its way into my mouth. I clumsily pulled my face back and said “I don’t know how to use tongue,” then he replied something along the lines of “it doesn’t matter,” “I don’t really either,” or something else. He brought his mouth to mine just seconds after, most likely knowing I still wasn’t daring enough to restart for the two of us. We locked lips again and I just went for it with the tongue part, which he didn’t reject, so it must have been good enough haha.
“Do u want to go over into the corner and sit?” he asked when we parted from our second kiss. “sure” I said with a grin on my face as I slightly bit my lip. He sat down against the wall. Then I looked at him trying to read if I was going to position myself the way he was hoping for. I just wung it and decided to straddle his lap. I inched my self farther and farther up his waist so that we were as close as possible. “So this is how it feels to be the tall one… Haha” I said, then he replied with “yeah haha,” before placing his lips on mine once again. I tilted my head to the right and draped my wrists around his neck. That is when we went into full swing with the tongue and I started to figure it out a bit. I mainly just moved my tongue around in his mouth and tried to play with his tongue a bit, too. Throughout the kiss I heard him moan a few times, and with that cue I would kiss him a little more intensely. During the kissing he put his hands back to my butt and started kneading them again. But then his hands slowly were making their way up my sides, under my shirt. He didn’t move his hands past the no-go zone before he said “just tell me when I should stop,” referring to how far his hands could go. I thought to myself about it and decided that even though I’d be fine with as far as he wanted to go with his hands, that I was going to put restrictions on it, since it was in fact a first kiss with someone I didn’t know extremely well. I trusted him to go as far with his hands as he wanted, but I didn’t want to come across as to easy, neither did I want to even be easy. So I said “when you feel fabric, just stop…” knowing that he would get my drift. I was wearing a black sports bra under a sort of mesh kind of white see through long sleeved shirt. So when I said fabric I meant when he got to the bottom of my sports bra, that he wasn’t to go any further. With that we got back to kissing and his hands stayed in the areas I had allowed, but they defiantly weren’t the most inoccent of areas. I started to realize that when his hands made their way to a little more than just my butt, down there, because I could in fact still feel it his hands in that area, even though I had a pad on. Everything felt nice to me though, so I didn’t reject it, because he didn’t go all that far with it. As we kept making out I kept nudging my body farther and farther up his waist to get closer to him. Then I felt his legs bend in to bring me closer. All the while, he still had his shirt off. Throughout the kisses there were a few moments where I would lean back and look around the corner if we thought we heard someone coming in the room. After one kiss in particular, I remember we put our foreheads against each other’s and I stared down into his eyes. When he looked up to me his eyes looked all pure, and innocent, and so genuine, that I couldn’t help but melt a little inside. Another moment we parted, I remember him moving his face closer to my chest, and slightly pressing his face into it.
I don’t remember when, but during one of those moments when I looked back around the corner, we both stood up. Then when we went back into the corner area and started kissing again. Suddenly out of nowhere he seemingly effortlessly picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He leaned his back against the wall and started sliding us back down to our original position. Soon we realized once we had made it down to the floor, that my knees were bent into his arm pits, so I grabbed both of my legs and bent them under me, on either side, back into the original position. Then we got back to kissing. A little bit more happened, but I can’t quite remember it all.

And that my dear readers is the story of my first kiss haha. Have a good night everyone :p.

My life lately

Hello my wonderful followers! 🙂

I was thinking about it, and the majority of my posts are about random topics. For today though, I’d like to tell you what kind of junk I’ve been dealing with this past week.

So the main thing is that I just broke up with my boyfriend,OT, last night. Actually let me rephrase that, he broke up with me. He decided to call it quits for reasons that weren’t under my control. The most messed up part of it all though, is that I’ve heard from multiple people he was starting to hold hands and flirt it up with another girl, a few days before he broke up with me. Something also messed up was that after around 4 or 5 months of being together, he was completely emotionless and cold when he was breaking up with me. He didn’t care that at the time he was shattering my heart, or about the way I viewed him as well. His character in the end was nothing like the charming sweet guy I met in the first place. But what can I say, even sociopaths are very charming. I don’t know why he didn’t believe it was worth what we felt for each other, to just break it off because we had no control over our circumstances, but I don’t even care now. The guy I thought he was has disappeared, and I’m not even sure ‘that guy’ ever existed. Everyone’s true colors show eventually, and I guess he just got some pretty shitty colors so he decided trying on a rainbow jacket to mask them. I’m now starting to think that I may have possibly gotten played for the first time in my life. I can’t see why he chose me to be the victim of his false hoods, but I guess all animals have their own specific prey. 

One odd thing is, I had cried out a bit of my sadness, twice, on different nights before he finally took me out of the emotional limbo and just ended it. But then the night he broke up with me, I cried for under a half an hour, and ever since I’ve just kind of put him out of my mind. I’ve had quite a good day in result of that.

Now onto my next weird partial-dilemma. The guy I mentioned in my dilemma post, my ex, turns out to be the guy I’m questioning possibly getting back into a relationship with. You all must be like “are you crazy?! You want to get back with an ex? seriously?”. One of the reasons is, our first kiss was actually quite amazing. I remember tasting him in my mouth all night after we parted. The good kind of taste, it probably was the best taste I’ve ever had sit in my mouth that long. He also smelled like some type of delicious cologne that he had put on that night. It got on my clothes and on my hair, so whilst I was still tasting him all night, his scent never faded. It was such an awesome first kiss that I wrote down exactly how it went in a note on my phone, so maybe I’ll edit it up a bit, and post that tonight as well.

The thing about my ex though, is that I don’t know if I want to get back together or not. Also, the choice wouldn’t be mine, it would be his. I don’t know though, I always thought the getting back with your ex when you suddenly realize you clicked with him the most all along thing, is kinda cliche. I’ve just always wondered what the appeal was, because I’m just the type of person to say what’s done is done, and will not change. I didn’t break up with him because we were dysfunctional in any way. I did it because in my eyes he was to busy with his life to make the time I wanted him to make, to be able talk to me and see me.

That’s all I have to say about those two boys and my issues in my life right now, but I will say that with OT, I’m thinking it all was just a big lie that I fell for.

Happy blogging my peeps!! 😛