Alone

Nobody knows. It would take attention. Intuition. A moment of not focusing on oneself. There’s beauty in this world, but there’s also an area of darkness that remains inconspicuous to most. No one notices it within others very often. It’s all internal. It’s all in our heads. Well that’s the most dangerous thing for one’s sanity. For their mental health. For their happiness. To continue going on through life, caring about others, wanting to connect to them, needing to connect to them, but not feeling the same care reciprocated. It’s like you’re that cashier that continuously asks distracted customers how they are, and wishing their ungrateful ass a good day when you finish giving them what they bought. You’re left feeling alone, while standing surrounded in a crowded room. You’re never alone in the literal sense, but you’re always alone in reality. Depth doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Intimacy is a rarity. No one knows how to connect anymore… Actually, that’s not true. No one cares. There is a lack of interest. “Focus on someone but myself? Make someone feel valued? Have genuine interest in someone? Pshh that’s too much work, I’ll just let people treat me like some amazing discovery while I remain indifferent towards them.” 

Some words

Sometimes life happens and you feel yourself get swept away in the tide of everyday activities and interactions. You see the crash and fall of the waves, but sometimes you don’t feel them like you naturally would. Something’s on your mind. Your thoughts can’t help but wander. Where do they wander? Is it to thoughts of a significant other? A new romantic interest? Is it that old flame that still burns and singes your soul? Is it wandering to thoughts of finding that thing called love that everyone talks so fondly about? They wander everywhere. Currently stuck on the beautiful idea of a twin flame. “What is a twin flame?” It is a concept that can give you hope or break you down entirely. To those who haven’t found a remarkable spark with anyone, the idea that a greater connection and love brings happiness to them—also alluding to the fact that they haven’t lost their shot yet. Some have love and lost— sometimes they just so happen to lose their twin flame. How would they lose it if it is an even stronger bond/ connection/ passion than a soulmate, you ask? Well you never truly lose it— it becomes unavailable, unattainable, too difficult to hold onto. Not every lost twin flame is gone forever, but sometimes it appears that way. It all comes down to the two individuals who share that connection. Are you stubborn? Are you foolish enough to let your twin flame walk even farther out of your life while you’re settling for a lesser passion? Are you scared? Are you too blind to see that you’re losing them day by day? Are you too heartbroken to give it another shot? If so, you might just lose them. It is a little difficult to continue to try when the odds are against you. History is made, and sometimes bridges are burned. Sometimes those pained goodbyes are final. It’s not because neither of you feel anything for each other anymore— you might feel everything, but you’ll never tell…

The other day I watched a movie that portrayed this kind of connection. They broke up because it was necessary, not because the love had faded. It never faded, even after 20 years of being apart. They still thought of one another after all of that time had passed. When they saw each other after all of those years, the connection, the passion, the yearning for one another still remained. It’s not the conversations they had, or the things that they shared in common, or the things they knew about one another. It was the need to be next to one another, with no clear reason. It is the desire to see and talk to that soul, because it is the only one yours finds effortless comfort with. They craved each other’s bodies– not because their bodies were perfectly toned and proportioned, but because that body belonged to the soul they couldn’t bare to live without.

Of course the movie didn’t end well…. I just so happened to conveniently remember towards the end, that the writer of the story is notorious for creating sad movies involving deaths to induce tears and despair in the viewer.

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

A letter for my thoughts

I’d like to begin by letting you all know that the posts I’ve written thus far have been about many people, some platonic, some romantic. Sometimes it’s fictitious, or at least I attempt to convince myself that. Though I’m a one-guy girl when I get into relationships, I may write about many guys (not always because of a romantic interest in them). I write about the people I’m thinking about, or who’s presence in my thoughts is influencing my emotions, in a good or bad way. I never mention names, and though there is a name in mind, I’m writing about whatever it is, for myself, not for any of the people to ever read it. So, I’ll let you all know now, it’s not solely dedicated to writing letters to anyone in particular. But back to what I was saying–Whether they’re good or bad feelings, I’m going to write them on a page to release and experience them. Though there are some times when I write about an ideal or the polar opposite, and though it could apply to a guy I know, I may not have made that connection with my thoughts yet. So when attempting to decipher who the letter posts I write are to, your guess is as good as mine.
….when I stare across a room into your eyes, I feel at home. It provides me comfort, as well as serving to intrigue me. You have a soft biting sparkle to your eyes. Conversing with you feels as though each response is a challenge, which is a very addictive quality; who would back down from a challenge?

Sometimes when our hearts are yearning, we remember/ desire the things that stimulate our senses, or remind us of a mutual passion shared between us and a lover. For me, it’s your soft curls. Grasping onto them, while you gaze into my eyes with desire. It feels as though we’ve found our own world in this moment. I crave your lips on mine. One look can lead my mind to believe something so pleasurable is forbidden. Well that just serves to make it even more enticing…

When I picture arousal, it doesn’t remain within a particular constraint. The standard for intensity has been raised. Many may think of my desires as twisted, I look at them as a form of release and a higher feeling.

Normally, a bland, superficial, vacuous setting, no matter how sexually charged, bores me (so basically, dinner and a movie, a party, or any setting that would lead me to see that you lack that one quality I’m looking for). You could be the hottest guy in the world, and I may end up feeling as though I could derive more pleasure from eating an apple (the fruit, just the fruit. Don’t get any ideas. It’s simply a word to infer that the pleasure is mundane).

All encompassing, passionate, dominant, loving, caring, lustful, compassionate, and uniquely yourself. That’s what captures my interest. If you poses these qualities, you are a sexy human being, and you should definitely continue doing things how you are, because it’s magnetic. You’re captivating. Well that is, at least to me.
You see, I write some of these things in present tense, because in my memory, that’s what it feels like. I know the difference between the past and the present, but for the purposes of this entry, it will remain present.
Part 2-
The other day I was asked why I listen to sad music. I understand the trend is to listen to upbeat, uplifting music, produced by a singer who appears to lead the perfect, most glamorous life. That simply doesn’t appeal to me. I can see why people don’t want to listen to my current obsession’s music.

Let me clarify one thing before I go on: no music is the best music. Yes, the musician that just came to your mind that you were prepared to vehemently defend as the best is good to you, but is it good to everyone? Although maybe that’s not how you classify/assess the level of perfection a musician is at.

Is it content (the story of the song). Does this mean it all has to be philosophical, progressive messages, uplifting lyrics? Or can it be about heartbreak and the simple things we all go through in life, that seem to affect us the most, possibly even more than all of the higher thinking?

Or is it the use of different affects, beats, and overall composition of the music that comprises the overall sound?

Is it the level of vocal skills that a musician demonstrates that determines the skill? Or is it also mixed with the passion and emotion they are able to convey when they sing their song?

If you say all of these things comprise a good song, then I agree. If you simply state that it’s all about a formula that it takes to set up a song’s beat, tied in with a very talented voice, you’ve just stripped music of its entire meaning.

Personally I would like to believe that music should be rated on how deeply it evokes a reaction within us, when we hear it. This tends to lend itself to no universally perfect music. Like I mentioned in “what does music mean to you?” how no one has the same definition of perfection, but to someone you’re perfect, and the same applies to music. Most songs don’t affect every single individual that listens to them, the same way.

With that definition being laid out there, I’m going to continue. Yet again, I’m listening to Abel Tesfaye (the weeknd). Right now my mind craves this music. It appeals to all of my senses, and I feel that I can resonate with his music.

Maybe he’s not the best. However, I don’t care. Honestly, I would like to request you all do a full evaluation of all of his songs, not just the mainstream ones that give him a bad rep, before we talk further on his skill level.
Yes, the claws are coming out because I’m in my Abel bubble at the moment. I have his music blasting with the windows down, feeling the beautiful wind breeze past me (someone else is driving the car I’m in).

With that being said, the claws aren’t really out, but I will continue with my current addiction, because it’s what I need/ want right now.

Oxcytocin 

The other day I made a list of the things that make me happy. At the moment it is small, but I’m going to continue to add things when they come to mind. One actually just came to mind, but it may or may not be the subject of this post: indulging in physical affection. In my definition, physical affection can range from cuddling, kissing, fondling (ehh that’s a strange word, let’s go with groping), making out, etc. All of these things bring me a lot of happiness, because they’re very fun… As humans, we crave these things… Generally… And when we’re deprived of them, we begin to feel withdrawal. Well I do at least…

Currently my oxytocin levels are dropping quickly, and I’m beginning to feel the affects. Though I would love to be indulging in this side of me way more than I have been for the past few months, I think the fast from the physical part of relationships is good for me in a way. Lately I’ve felt my senses are heightened, and I believe there may be a correlation between the two. I’m not sure how many of you have used this particular object, but I’m going to use it as an example anyway… You know those head massaging things? They tickle like crazy, and the sensation is kind of orgasmic? Well I’m not sure how many of you overdosed on the feeling of the thing until you nearly desensitized yourself from it… But I almost did. So going with that thought, I think that indulging in physical desires too much can cause the sensations to eventually dull into a numb feeling. Though, if you reverse that, and deprive yourself from physical desires for a while, I think you’re more sensitive to even the slightest touch. When I say my sensations are heightened, I also mean my hearing, and every other sense I have (smelling, sight, etc), along with touch. A few weeks ago, one night, I was laying in bed in total darkness, watching a thunderstorm. I may or may not have written about this… my memory is failing me. While I was listening, seeing, and sensing every action of the storm, my senses were going crazy. Every inch of my body reacted to the sight and sound of the lightning, thunder, and rain. It was quite miraculous how such a simple storm could evoke such a reaction from my body. 

Though I love having such heightened senses, I would risk lowering them for a nice dose of oxytocin. I watched my favorite movie today called “how to lose a guy in ten days,” and it reminded me of just how amazing physical affection is. When watching this movie, I was reminded of the electric passion in a kiss, the connection that occurs as two tongues dance with one another, intermingling, bringing both a euphoric sensation as the dance goes on. How a simple embrace can cause you to melt into one another, feeling every inch of each other’s bodies pressed against each other, begging to be closer. How a gaze can elicit desire and interest, without a word needing to be spoken. And how the sensation of your lover’s lips running along your skin can drive your senses wild. 
Well, looks like physical affection became the topic. Though all I was aiming to do, was to mention those two things that make me happy. The first being physical affection, and the second is watching chick flicks/ my favorite movie (how to lose a guy in 10 days). 

Can’t get no da da da sat-is-fact-ion

I’ll warn you now to not take this personally, because this is directed towards people who don’t read my blog, not you, my readers. Though, if you have a friend or girlfriend or anybody in your life who is disappearing on you, they could possibly have a similar reason, so read on.

The highlight of my night: I got my graphing calculator to show approximations instead of exact numbers. 

It’s not that I haven’t done interesting things, or socialized, it’s just that this is the only success I feel I have had. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I’m holding conversations I don’t even want to have, all out of keeping good social ties. “It’s not normal to recluse into a loner state, you should be social all the time. Why don’t you want to talk?” They say. It’s simple, I’m drained. For the longest time I didn’t know what it was that I wanted, but now I do. I want to be understood. Now I’m not trying to vie for attention, because that is the one thing I can’t stand the most. What I am saying is this: if you want to have a conversation with me, or expect me to continue talking to you, I would like to feel like I’m being met half way. 
For some of you, one sided conversations or not seeing eye to eye on things with others may not bother you in the slightest. Though for me, that is similar to how bad it would feel to be a little kid and have your favorite toy snatched from you, only to be thrown in the mud. Conversations, interactions, thinking, talking, discussing, debating… Those are the things I live for. I don’t desire material objects, or superficial compliments. I want deep conversation. Not necessarily with heavy emotions, but hey, maybe even that. If I don’t feel like a connection is being made I retract. It’s in my DNA… Some may say this is flighty… I call it self preservation. Why continue on with something that erodes your fulfillment when you can find something that provides it? I’m not necessarily saying that I replace people with other people, on the contrary rather. For the time being I feel like replacing some people with my writing. For those of you who stumble upon this post or haven’t followed me for a while, it may seem that I’ve actually gotten more free time for blogging, but I actually haven’t. I’ve been making time for it, and think that even more time could be made. 
So if I disappear on you, know this, I’ll be back sometime, maybe soon, maybe in a long time, but one thing is certain, you’ll be finding my thoughts all over the screen (on WordPress) if you ever choose to look. 

Expectations 

If there’s one thing I’ve noticed, it’s that expectations are typically the root of the demise of most things. Think of happiness for instance. One day you’re on top of the moon, everything is wonderful, and you’re exuberant. You love it, but you forget to be practical, so without thinking, you inadvertently expect you’ll wake up the next day the same way you did today: instantaneously happy. Morning comes, and you coincidentally are awoken in the middle of a sleep cycle. This sudden unpleasantry is due to your adorable dog fluffy, pawing at your sides, begging to be let outside. Yesterday, fluffy’s pawing and soft whimpering was endearing, but today it unnerves you. Your day is off to a terrible start, and you suddenly resent everything around you and realize that yesterday’s good mood was far too fleeting. It’s not necessarily fluffy, or even the things you begin to resent. Rather, it’s the expectations you’ve put on everything. You have to consciously enable yourself to be receptive and seeking of good vibes, but not expectant of them. The good vibes and energy are free flowing and not intended to be grasped by a death grip. Everything in life should be viewed as sand, rather than that jello sack toy that was popular in the ’90’s (just looked up the official name…they’re called pearl water wigglies apparently XP). Although for those of you who ever got your hands on those things, you know you have to balance them and actually not grasp hard, or they too will slip right from your hands. 
So maybe view the good vibes and feelings as the Pearl Water Wigglie. Balance it and let it flow between your hands, don’t squeeze it. 
I will admit, I too have fallen prey to my expectations. I’ve experienced a yoga high once… I only say once because I know without a doubt, that I’ve only achieved that euphoria once. I believe the reason I haven’t achieved it since is due to my expectations of savasana (a yoga nap/ guided meditation). I got my yoga high when my teacher lead the class through a guided mediation one night. She hasn’t done the guided meditation since, and as a result, I’m left alone with my own thoughts as we all lay in silence. I don’t know if any of you have been able to notice yet, but I have a billion thoughts running through my mid quite frequently. Well during savasana, one additional thought is the expectation of achieving the yoga high/ hoping my teacher will do the guided meditation once more. If you were wondering, neither has happened for quite some time…
But alas, I will be letting go of my expectations, and hopefully manage to clear my mind so that I may once again achieve the blissful yoga high. 
Back to expectations though. Expectations also seem to ruin relationships. Whether they be sexual or platonic, it can create an unbalance. Say your friend and you happen to bump into each other at your favorite coffee shop, and each time you run into one another, you take a few minutes to sit down and have a chat. Then one day, your friend doesn’t show up like usual. You never plan to run into one another, but you assumed they’d be here. You cleared some time specifically for this, and had a topic you were particularly excited to discuss with them. So you end up sitting alone sipping your coffee and watching the interactions around you, and leave without having muttered a word to a single soul. You call your friend and angrily ask why they didn’t show up. They explain something came up at work and they had to skip their regular coffee break. After hearing the excuse you become reasonable, but still hold resentment towards them. It’s these small invisible unwritten contracts that one party conjures up one day that creates a rift in things when you unexpectedly don’t comply to the invisible clause on page 4 index 5 of their contract of expectations.
It’s your friend not showing up to an unplanned coffee, not your wife of 15 years cheating on you… So to an extent, I think one could see those expectations are a little unreasonable. 
Now let’s talk about expectations in a romantic relationship. There are many many many expectations in this case. Sexual favors, romantic gestures, gifts, and all of the expectations of a best friendship have the possibility of being put on this dynamic. 
I’ll just make it short and break it down for this particular set of expectations. It’s typically the result of wanting your partner to read your mind. Such as a thought like this “I shouldn’t have to tell them this, he or she should just know that chocolate makes me upset on April 22nd.” Ok maybe if you told your spouse, partner, or boyfriend/ girlfriend that strange of a fact, they would remember, but if you never told them, how in the world would they ever know? It’s nearly that difficult to read someone and figure out what it is that would make them happy when they’re just in a silent slump. Or possibly your partner is asking something of you that they know you can’t provide them, and therefore, you can’t ever meet those expectations. 
Maybe there is someone who can read your mind, but perhaps there also exists just as an amazing of a person who needs a little nudge in the right direction. 
Though I won’t knock the idea of expectations all together, I suggest an alternative. You can have standards instead. If someone isn’t able to satisfy your projected needs, then you can separate, rather than sit silently waiting for them to suddenly transform into a mind reader.  
If in the scenario of the coffee with the friend, you two actually agreed to meet for coffee, and they continually flaked and never called to notify you, you can just minimize the let down by reducing how often you plan a coffee meet up, or be ok with being alone every so often when they don’t show up.
I’d say standards and expectations only differ in one aspect. Actually scratch that, maybe they’re synonymous and it simply depends on the person who possess the expectations. Maybe it all boils down to insecurity and security with oneself. Or the possession of fulfillment within yourself, that curves the let down of unmet expectations. 
Sorry to not meet your expectations with a finite resolution to this topic, but maybe this is the way it was supposed to end. To serve as a lesson to us all, let go of your expectations and just enjoy the read (or ride).