I recently mentioned to you all that I’ve been writing a lot of things but posting very little, but after reviewing what I wrote, I’ve decided to post a few of them.
So here’s my inner monologue from a week or so ago. At the moment, the tone of my thoughts is vastly different from the ones I wrote about below. This is a perfect example of just how varried my inner monologue can be day to day, and week to week.
Typically normal instinct should lead me to talking to real people about my emotions, instead of trying with all my will to be simply be alone. But since I’ve been gone from writing for about two weeks I have been yearning to get back to it. To pour all of my thoughts and feelings into words and set them free. Over the past week I’ve found that I’m more introverted than I thought. I don’t enjoy constantly interacting with others from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. I have found I’m very drained. I haven’t let my true emotions show one bit. If I’m feeling even a little bit upset while we’re in the car, while we’re at the dinner table, I hide it with a smile.
For those of you who don’t know, I am staying in France for a while with the family of an exchange student my family hosted the past few summers. I am very appreciative of the opportunity and the things I am able to see and experience, but my mind is elsewhere at the moment. So instead of writing about France, I’ll be writing about my thoughts that I can’t voice aloud. It’s not that I don’t think they would allow me the time to rest or be alone, but I doubt they’d understand what on earth could be troubling me right now since nothing appears to be wrong.
I will touch on one thing about France. They are a little more structured and formal than what I’m used to. There are typically three long meals in a day, and throughout these meals and at the end of the meal, you typically stay until everyone is ready to leave the table (you could have been done eating two hours ago, and still not be done at the table). Now typically I would try to be as social as I can, but when I can’t honestly voice what I’m thinking, it’s quite draining.
There is one thing I am loving about France though. In the south you can be walking down the streets and see cats quite often. Some are cute and allow you to pet them, others are unsure, and then there are the ones that I probably wouldn’t risk approaching given their demeanor. Anyway, the reason I bring up cats is because no matter where I am, or what situation I’ve been put in, if I see an animal, it can always bring a smile to my face. These furry creatures we’ve all domesticated and taken into our homes are living with us in society for a reason. Animals don’t expect a hello or a goodbye, a drawn out conversation, a hand shake, a kiss on each cheek, or a hug. They simply wish you approach them with a calm demeanor if you are to approach them. They don’t need you to explain anything, their calming presence they lend to us is as causal to them as the furr on their back. Most of us know why animals need us, but some overlook the fact that we need them too. Sometimes we find ourselves locked in our room with thoughts flooding through our minds and we don’t want anyone to see us this way. We are shutting down. Socializing with a smile on your face is no longer possible. If anyone were to come in right now fear would course throughout your body; what would they think of you unfiltered, how would you explain this, what explanation would they expect from you, would you be forced to tell them the truth? Does the particular individual even deserve the truth? Would they even bother to console you, or cause you to doubt everything even more? The next thing you know, you see the door begin to open at an eerily slow rate, your heart begins to pound, the door is opening slowly but surely…… Then there’s a halt, it doesn’t open any more than a crack. Next thing you know a soft, fluffy form jumps onto your bed beside you. It’s your pet. The one that doesn’t ask the hard questions. The one that’s there for you no matter what it is. Your pet doesn’t know what’s going on, but it can recognize the turmoil that is going on inside your mind.
Let me just stop this train of thought to let you know that it hasn’t even been but 10 minutes since I’ve sat down to write, and I’ve already been interrupted. And throughout that time I was sitting in the same room as the person who keeps interrupting this alone time…Just to give you a bit of perspective on the amount of alone time I have.
So after a half hour break I am now back to writing— I was interrupted again after I had just written about getting interrupted…
I’m not exactly sure where I was going with this, cause at the point of the interruptions I was taken away from my writing for too long to get back into the same mindset in order to finish the train of thought. The reason I wasn’t going to post this was because I felt it was unstructured and random. Today when looking it over once more, I realized I might as well share every bit of my journey in France, whether it be described well or poorly.