Pause 

I’m debating on whether or not to stop blogging for a while. At the moment my basic needs are unfulfilled, so I don’t have the same focus I did a while ago. I need to get back into my routine–working out, doing what I love, making time for myself and my non-blog writing (I write random stories sometimes…), and getting the oxytocin fix that I need. Lately I haven’t been fulfilling these basic needs simply because I can’t. I’ve found that it’s nearly impossible to maintain a balance of all that you need when someone else is controlling the show. If there is one thing I’ve learned throughout my experience in France, it is this: being an exchange student tests your ability to adapt. There is no time for yourself, no time for uninterrupted self development (like reading, writing, etc.), unpredictable diet (the change also can alter your moods/ energy), minimal amount of time to get ready for the day (taking a shower, blow drying hair, etc.), never alone, required to be ready to leave the flat (apartment) in an instant once there is a new sight to be seen, constant switching of environment (because you’re visiting every area, which brings about staying at the family’s relative’s houses), a requirement to be constantly happy and social during all waking hours, and you must turn the other cheek when they begin to talk about how superior their country is to yours or another. Now I’m not saying that all of the french are like that, but the people I’ve encountered have all possessed the same haughty attitude. They like to compare countries as a typical pastime. Basically any comparison that is brought up must end in their country turning out on top, and if not, you won’t hear the end of it until someone finally declares that even with any illogic, they still “win” in the comparison. 

     Now I’m not saying that living this way, with these social habits is wrong, it’s just not my style. I prefer to remain unbiased when discussing things, rather than insult another country simply because my ego couldn’t handle losing something. I also don’t talk or debate for the aspect of wining–I think that’s truly a dead end–I like debating and conversing to spread knowledge, share ideas, and to broaden horizons. I’ve found that’s simply not the case here… Apparently every other country in the world must suck in comparison, or else we must be living in some parallel universe where i don’t know… We’re all viewed as different cultures doing things their own way? Imperfect representations of the imperfection in us all? No country is perfect, no country ever will be. Sure you may have your preference as to which you think is better simply because it aligns with your beliefs and views, but everyone else out there has the same disposition as you to believe that the country they favor is the best. 

Now maybe I’m simply frustrated, and my words are skewed in favor of my own beliefs/ preferences, so I’ll put that part of this post to rest for now.

     Back to what I meant to tell you all though: I may or may not discontinue writing (for my blog) until the end of this trip (which is only 6 days). 

I most likely will try to write, but if I can’t manage to, it’s because I need to wait for inspiration to strike again. 

    Onto another topic real quick, before I end: 

The other day I sat in a closet. Now you may think I’m crazy or at the very least, kinda odd, but let me explain. There wasn’t really anywhere else to be alone, but inside the closet. Honestly, I’m tempted to go back in there today (it’s a great spot to listen to music in my headphones without interruption). I loved it in there, cause it reminded me of when I was a kid. I used to do all kinds of random weird stuff when I was younger, simply because it made me happy. I’d find tiny little spots and I’d sit in them, I’d build forts, etc. I’d find a chair, sit on it backwards, and lay upside down with my legs against the back board. I was absolutely ridiculous, and loving life for the simple odd things it had to offer. 

Thinking back to how I was when I was younger got me thinking about how I want to make sure I don’t lose that part of myself. Sure those things are weird to do as you get older and older, but they’re fun. I’m sure those odd habits are part of the reason why kids seem so happy compared to us. They don’t think about what others will think of them, or if it is weird or not to lay upside down if they feel like it. They don’t bother to change themselves in order to conform to strict social norms. 

A letter to my future kids and I 

To me: When they make mistakes and your blood is boiling, know this: you were like that once too. Remember that “one big mistake”? Remember how you only knew the stove was hot when you accidentally placed your hand on it for the first time? We have to make mistakes in order to learn, and these precious little people you call your children may happen to make more than one simple mistake. These posts you write now promote a little bit of rebellious thinking, so allow them to approach life fearlessly. When they do something dumb, don’t approach them with a judgmental glare, talk to them, perhaps give them the time to explain their mistakes through writing. You know you did your fair share of that kind of explaining in your teenage years. Maybe the letters they write will aggravate you just a tiny bit, maybe you won’t be able to sympathize right away. Think back to this time right now, the moment you wrote the post to your future self and kids in the back of your french host family’s car on the way back to France from some place near Vouvre. You talked big game, but your actions didn’t represent the rebellion your words promote. That’s a product of punishment. The first tiny mistake you made left a burn in your mind, remaining imprinted forever. Each time your rebellion begs for a chance to breathe you remember the disapproving looks and words. You remember the judgement. To you the judgement may have appeared a little uncalled for for the situation, but you still feel remorse for your actions the night of that one big mistake years ago. So from then on out you continue to live a little more on the safer side than you typically would. You don’t act without thinking first. Some may judge you for lacking the ability to just act on impulse and spontaneity, but they weren’t around when you heard those disapproving words. Don’t give your children the same visual that halts them from making more than one simple mistake. Their mistakes are what will help them grow. When they trip and fall while navigating this difficult time, hold your tongue when you feel tempted to say “I told you so.” 


To them:

I want to start off with one thing, and that is this: I was never perfect, and never will be. If I ever pretend that I didn’t make the same mistakes you’re making at this age, I want you to search long and hard through this blog, because there will most likely be a post to prove otherwise. The reason I write, for others and for myself is to document a history. Sure it’s not monumental, and perhaps others have gone through these things, and it all appears to be yesterday’s news, but these stories need to be remembered. This is a testament to how I was throughout all of my growth. My good moments, but also my bad moments. When I had all of the confidence in the world, but also when I was breaking. The reason I show you this blog is because I want you to be able to read it before you go through some of these hard times, that way you’ll know when you’re going through them, that you’re not alone. I’ve gone through and will go through my share of experiences that perhaps I’ll forget at times, but they’ll be on this blog forever. You know your grandma and your grandpa, the ones I call mom and dad? I would have loved to read about their mistakes. It’s very simple when you’re a parent to feign perfection, but we all know it’s not real. Your grandma used to tell me that she made mistakes at my age too, and she thinks I should learn from them before I make the same ones. The only flaw in her preaching is that she doesn’t give me specific examples, she just keeps it vague. Though, I realize it’s not the easiest or most pleasant thing to attempt to remember your worst moments from your youth. Through this blog, I’ll spare my future self from the hassle of recounting some difficult memories, but feel free to ask me to elaborate on them if you’d like. 

When I was your age I respected my parents marriage, but at the same time was ever so curious about the relationships they had with the opposite sex throughout their life, before they met one another. But I never asked, and they never told. Sure I’ve gotten stories about the basic facts, but never in depth recounts of the emotions they went through/ felt towards those people. Here you’ll find more than you’d ever need to know about my past relationships before I met your dad. You’ll also find my thoughts about sex and other natural things we as sexual beings think about, but don’t always feel free to discuss openly. At this age I surely hope I will have explained the birds and the bees to you, but if not, I’d like you to make sure I do so. If I have, hopefully all your questions were answered in an open and accepting manner. I want you to know that no matter what you chose to do with your sexuality, whether it be to conform to society or not, I will love you as you are. Don’t ever feel you have to suppress your sexuality. It is one of the best things about being human. If your dad and I ever look at you and your boyfriend/ girlfriend with “disgust” as you’re making out, know that we’re simply kidding. Also, know that all of the “nasty” times you see me and your dad being “weird” (making out and grabbing on each other) in the kitchen, it is because we’re just as in love with one anther as we were years ago. 

Back to the letter though. The only time you’ll ever receive some tough love from me will be if you ever put someone down in order to build yourself up to be somehow superior to them. You’re my child, and my children don’t act like that. It is the one thing I detest the most, and will continue to detest until the day I die. Whenever you talk to someone, whether it be to your sibling, a friend, or a stranger remember that you are equals. No one is better, and no one is worse. 

By reading all of my old posts you’ll find my stories, my experiences, and my thoughts throughout my years. I hope that through reading these you’ll feel that you can come to me more freely, knowing I went through a similar thing. Lastly, I would like you to end this knowing that I will always love you no matter what. Perhaps it’s strange of me to be writing this so early, many many many years before you will be a reality, but I have a tendency to be weird and unconventional with what I post on this blog. 


Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

You don’t know the half of it

I find it funny that even with so much knowledge, one can’t see through a forced facade. This my readers, is my post on just how little a parent can know about their child’s knowledge of worldly things. And by worldly, I mean all that junk that we see way to young that corrupts the brains of adolescents across the globe. From innuendos, to just plain knowledge about terms of different sexual actions, etc.
I don’t remember how the conversation came about, and I’m pretty sure they assumed I was spaced out, but my parents approached the topic of how people seem to pick up random knowledge purely by watching different tv programs. Then my mom proceeds to refer to me, to my dad, saying how little she thinks I grasp all the innuendos being flung about in merely a half hour episode.
Little to both of their knowledge they’re just not the type of people you would usually lead on to the fact that you are very aware of all things sexual. When watching episodes of tv with them, I will sometimes hold back my laughter due to a dirty joke, or crude comment, a character made in the show. I try to mask my amusement with a blank expression as if I didn’t get that very simple innuendo.
So to all parents of little children, and children ranging from all ages, your kids may know more than you think. With shows like “Jessie” on Disney channel, having a little kid under the age 8 at least, mentioning bras already, kids aren’t to far behind from getting into the basics of the other stuff as well. It’s kind of like trying to shield your kids ears from all the cursing done around you every day. Sometimes you accidentally walk by an enraged person and then a bad word slips from their lips, and you didn’t even have time to create a distraction for your little child. That actually reminds me of something I witnessed the other day at the gym. These men were all upset because one pair of men wanted to use the racket ball court, but another pair of men reserved it. One of them happened to be uttering a curse word in a big bad wolf scary kind of tone, just as a lady and her two adorable little boys passed between them. One of the little boys heard, and got scared and inched a little closer to his mom as they kept on their way. The mom chuckled a little as her voice was still laced with empathy when she asked the little boy “did that scare you?”.
It’s inevitable, we all are going to find out about those kinds of things in life no matter what. We can’t help it, it’s all around us.

Bye readers, I hope you all have a great day :).

A sweet little memory

This is the short story of Nicholas and Haley. I didn’t know much about the two of them or how they initially met. What I do know, though, is that they both played part in one of the cutest memories that will be forever stuck in my mind.

They both joined a class to widen their knowledge of nature. When Nicholas came into class the first day he was wearing an undeniably cute little plaid short sleeved button up, plus his binoculars that were hung around his neck. Haley was as pale as a cotton ball, with her thin woodsy-maroon hair pulled back into a light little ponytail.

It was about midway through the class when they were about to be led on a nature hike. Haley went to pick up Nicholas’s binoculars for him, because he had placed them on the table during one of the activities. Confused, Nicholas quickly made his way over to her and exclaimed “Haley! Are you trying to steal my binoculars?!”. Shocked that he would even accuse her of that, she quickly replied, “No Nicholas, I would never do that, I- I-I love you Nicholas!!”. Relieved, but still quit puzzled, he answered back, “Oh.” The two made their way out of the class room along with the rest of the group.

Whilst on the walk Nicholas pondered what Haley meant by love. He walked up beside her and asked, still quite taken aback, “If you love me, does- does- that mean we’re going to get married someday?”. Haley looks looked at him and responded as though the answer was completely obvious, “Of course not Nicholas!! I’m going to marry my mommy and daddy!”. Still quite perplexed by this confusing little lady he simply replied once more, “oh.”

Act like child?

Have you ever looked at two little kids who just hit it off, and happened to not be of the same gender? You can tell that they have what we all call a ‘crush’, but to them it is the simple fact that they just love each others company. Little kids talk to the opposite gender and don’t think twice about it. When you start getting into your pre-teen age, teens, and so forth, it somehow becomes a little nerve racking when you see someone you want to get to know. Your mind immediately picks up on the fact that the person is a crush, the second you find them attractive. But instead of walking up to them right when you want to, you waste time thinking of what to say. The kid version of yourself would’ve just walked right up to the other little girl or boy, and asked if you could play with them…..(the kid kind of play that is). You’ll most likely not even approach that person if they are to good looking, and confident, because you have doubt that they will like you back, in that way. The expectations are set, and it’s far from go time. When I was little, I adored a few little boys in my elementary school class. I talked to each one and didn’t ever think once about the fact that I could have had a crush on one of them. Heck, I didn’t even know what it felt like to have a crush on anybody. Now that I look back on that time, I’m pretty sure I could have had a crush back then; I just didn’t know that maybe, subconsciously, my brain was thinking they were a perfect match if we stayed in touch until an appropriate dating age. I just felt like I was able to be completely me, without feeling the need to impress them. When crushes arise later on in life though, it seems as though we can no longer stay one-hundred percent true to ourselves because we’re always thinking of the next way to impress them, to seem more likable than all the others. Wouldn’t it be interesting if our child like carefree attitude stayed with us through life? Then the teen guys and girls would just talk to each other on the bus with out feeling like they needed to be fake, to be likable. Same with the men and women at clubs, coffee shops, bars, etc. It would just be weird, and unlike a man, to just come up to have a friendly conversation with you without quickly assuming you have to put them in the ‘date or don’t date’ category in your mind. Or say a woman walks up to a man in her high heels and he has to think between whether or not she’s working those high heels, or if she looks like she is going to fall down due to being top heavy, or if she has an over dominating kind of personality that he may not find attractive.

First of all, when you’re younger, the appearance of your peers doesn’t seem to matter because you all know that at that young of an age, your parents were still choosing the outfits you wore. Also, when you’re younger, you don’t dress yourself aiming to appear sexy, you dress as comfortably as you can. Little kids usually only judge each other on whether or not they like the same things, if you both like at least one thing that is the same,  you are then able to qualify into the friend category, as long as neither of you are mean. Although little children don’t have a clue about the dating world, maybe they have the right idea about the approach we should all take towards our opposite gender; Approach them with no label on what you will consider them, and just get to know the person they are before deeming them date-able or not. Also, don’t feel like you should have to put on a show to seem like that extremely likable pushover, if someone does something rude, just tell them in an adult manner, that you didn’t really appreciate it, like how you would do if one of your little peers when you were younger if they stole your toy. You don’t have to be fine with everything, if someone stole that toy that was yours, you wouldn’t have let them just take it without asking, because that’s rude.