A letter to my future kids and I 

To me: When they make mistakes and your blood is boiling, know this: you were like that once too. Remember that “one big mistake”? Remember how you only knew the stove was hot when you accidentally placed your hand on it for the first time? We have to make mistakes in order to learn, and these precious little people you call your children may happen to make more than one simple mistake. These posts you write now promote a little bit of rebellious thinking, so allow them to approach life fearlessly. When they do something dumb, don’t approach them with a judgmental glare, talk to them, perhaps give them the time to explain their mistakes through writing. You know you did your fair share of that kind of explaining in your teenage years. Maybe the letters they write will aggravate you just a tiny bit, maybe you won’t be able to sympathize right away. Think back to this time right now, the moment you wrote the post to your future self and kids in the back of your french host family’s car on the way back to France from some place near Vouvre. You talked big game, but your actions didn’t represent the rebellion your words promote. That’s a product of punishment. The first tiny mistake you made left a burn in your mind, remaining imprinted forever. Each time your rebellion begs for a chance to breathe you remember the disapproving looks and words. You remember the judgement. To you the judgement may have appeared a little uncalled for for the situation, but you still feel remorse for your actions the night of that one big mistake years ago. So from then on out you continue to live a little more on the safer side than you typically would. You don’t act without thinking first. Some may judge you for lacking the ability to just act on impulse and spontaneity, but they weren’t around when you heard those disapproving words. Don’t give your children the same visual that halts them from making more than one simple mistake. Their mistakes are what will help them grow. When they trip and fall while navigating this difficult time, hold your tongue when you feel tempted to say “I told you so.” 


To them:

I want to start off with one thing, and that is this: I was never perfect, and never will be. If I ever pretend that I didn’t make the same mistakes you’re making at this age, I want you to search long and hard through this blog, because there will most likely be a post to prove otherwise. The reason I write, for others and for myself is to document a history. Sure it’s not monumental, and perhaps others have gone through these things, and it all appears to be yesterday’s news, but these stories need to be remembered. This is a testament to how I was throughout all of my growth. My good moments, but also my bad moments. When I had all of the confidence in the world, but also when I was breaking. The reason I show you this blog is because I want you to be able to read it before you go through some of these hard times, that way you’ll know when you’re going through them, that you’re not alone. I’ve gone through and will go through my share of experiences that perhaps I’ll forget at times, but they’ll be on this blog forever. You know your grandma and your grandpa, the ones I call mom and dad? I would have loved to read about their mistakes. It’s very simple when you’re a parent to feign perfection, but we all know it’s not real. Your grandma used to tell me that she made mistakes at my age too, and she thinks I should learn from them before I make the same ones. The only flaw in her preaching is that she doesn’t give me specific examples, she just keeps it vague. Though, I realize it’s not the easiest or most pleasant thing to attempt to remember your worst moments from your youth. Through this blog, I’ll spare my future self from the hassle of recounting some difficult memories, but feel free to ask me to elaborate on them if you’d like. 

When I was your age I respected my parents marriage, but at the same time was ever so curious about the relationships they had with the opposite sex throughout their life, before they met one another. But I never asked, and they never told. Sure I’ve gotten stories about the basic facts, but never in depth recounts of the emotions they went through/ felt towards those people. Here you’ll find more than you’d ever need to know about my past relationships before I met your dad. You’ll also find my thoughts about sex and other natural things we as sexual beings think about, but don’t always feel free to discuss openly. At this age I surely hope I will have explained the birds and the bees to you, but if not, I’d like you to make sure I do so. If I have, hopefully all your questions were answered in an open and accepting manner. I want you to know that no matter what you chose to do with your sexuality, whether it be to conform to society or not, I will love you as you are. Don’t ever feel you have to suppress your sexuality. It is one of the best things about being human. If your dad and I ever look at you and your boyfriend/ girlfriend with “disgust” as you’re making out, know that we’re simply kidding. Also, know that all of the “nasty” times you see me and your dad being “weird” (making out and grabbing on each other) in the kitchen, it is because we’re just as in love with one anther as we were years ago. 

Back to the letter though. The only time you’ll ever receive some tough love from me will be if you ever put someone down in order to build yourself up to be somehow superior to them. You’re my child, and my children don’t act like that. It is the one thing I detest the most, and will continue to detest until the day I die. Whenever you talk to someone, whether it be to your sibling, a friend, or a stranger remember that you are equals. No one is better, and no one is worse. 

By reading all of my old posts you’ll find my stories, my experiences, and my thoughts throughout my years. I hope that through reading these you’ll feel that you can come to me more freely, knowing I went through a similar thing. Lastly, I would like you to end this knowing that I will always love you no matter what. Perhaps it’s strange of me to be writing this so early, many many many years before you will be a reality, but I have a tendency to be weird and unconventional with what I post on this blog. 


BBQ sauce 

I’ve decided to switch things up a bit, so in this post, and possibly in some future posts, you will be reading some posts about the people I know.
I’m not sure if you still check my blog, but if you do, this one’s to you. Perhaps if you don’t read it before I get back from France, I’ll show it to you sometime before we part ways when we go to our separate schools this fall. 

I’d like to begin by saying that I treasure our friendship and couldn’t have pictured a better person to be my best friend. Ever since the day we met, I’ve always noticed that you’re truly genuine and completely real with me. You probably know more about me than you ever needed to know from our random night time confessions, but in a way, I’m glad you know how weird I am. We’re always ourselves around each other, and nothing else, and I love that. If someone would have asked me if I thought I was ever going to have a best friend like the ones portrayed in the movies, I would have said most likely not. I never thought this kind of friendship existed until we bonded over the weirdest things and stuck by each other’s side despite having such vastly different interests. In a way we’re kind of polar opposites that way, but I think we complement each other well. Just a few weeks ago before I left, when I spent a few days with you, it reminded me why I love having you as my best friend. Despite being around each other for hours and hours straight, I still didn’t want to leave. You’re the best friend a gemini could ever have. I love it when you ask random questions out of the blue. Your crazy spontaneity. Your adventurous side, but also your hilariously contradictory scaredy-cat side when it comes to spiders and strong thunder storms. These quirks make you exactly who you are, and that’s what I love about them. They’re random and silly, which is just the way I like it :). I remember when we started off as total strangers who decided to share a cabin at a camp out. There was no awkwardness at all because we were so excited as to what we would do that night: read the scary stories written on the walls, peer out the windows into the pitch black night when we’d hear noises outside, and play board games. Since then I’ve noticed that our ridiculous, nonsensical fear has carried over into the times when you’ve convinced me to try out new scary video games with you. It appears that there is a pattern of ours to try ridiculous things with one another, such as the crazy dares we’ve made. I don’t know who else would be able to convince me to get into an outdoor pool in the middle of winter…

I know we’re going to be away from each other for a long while soon, but I know this friendship is forever. Maybe one day we’ll end up in the same city again, where we can rekindle the friendship that we will always share. While we’re apart I plan to send at least 1 picture every day like we promised so we can keep up with one another. I know it will be hard to not have that familiar presence of one another, but I’m positive that this will only make our friendship stronger. I can’t wait to see you during the breaks when we’ll recount all that happened while we were apart.  

A letter to an ex 

I wrote this one day, while I was torturing myself by reminiscing about old flames. I considered not posting it, but after reading it once more, I realize that perhaps it’s not my best work, and maybe I was caught up with my emotions for that time, but this blog is my “journal” after all, so here’s what I’d write if this blog were still anonymous. For those of you who know me past my blog, I recommend you proceed with caution, cause perhaps the things I’ve written may upset you (if they’re about you or not about you). There’s no slander or anything of that kind of sort. Though I’m giving you an out now, before you begin. 

*unquestionable extended*

One time you asked me how often I think about you. At the time I had actually purged you from my thoughts for quite some time, so the answer was infrequently. Recently my answer has changed. Thoughts of you have popped into my mind time and time again. The memories are painful to me. It wasn’t long, and we didn’t even go that far, but I know we could have been great and that’s what leads me to be upset. We never ran our full course. Though I want to write a billion things in a somber tone, I am determined to give this post an upbeat vibe. So here are the things I miss. 

When you and I’d talk I remember seeing your smile. I’m not sure if I ever told you this, but I loved that smile. It was infectious. It also reminded me of what your personality would look like if boiled down into a smile. Stubborn, cute, obnoxious, and playful all wrapped into one. 

Your personality. I’m not sure what it was, but for some reason your presence always left me content. At times a bit agitated possibly, but that’s only because you were being your extra obnoxious self that day. Along the way, I came to love that. You were only you. You told me your real thoughts on things, not just answers you’d think would align with mine. You teased me back when I was being my usual playful self. It made me happy—I had finally met my match—someone finally understood that I’m simply looking to receive the same smart ass replies that I’m giving out. Your charisma attacked me every time I saw you, it was magnetic. I remember thinking to myself before we got together that just by simply talking with you (as friends), I felt more fulfilled than I ever had, compared to how it was with my exes. Sure I had physical connections with guys, but never truly mental connections. 

It frustrates me to think of the last day we had together as a couple, cause it makes me miss you. It was overcast and rainy, and you were wearing a maroon ish sweater. I’m not sure if I had told you this either, but that was my favorite shirt of yours. In it you were perfectly cuddly and soft and it made me want to nap in your arms all day. 

As I’m finishing this post I’m tempted to delete it all. I’m feeling ready to give up, because it just dawned on me that if you really felt the same I wouldn’t be stuck here missing you all alone. I wouldn’t have to think of you with her.

You know, funny story. Ever since we’ve been apart I’ve been close to starting fresh with some other guy, but I can’t bring myself to follow through with it. There was one guy who I truly wanted, possibly still want, but I don’t think I can continue wanting other guys with you in the back of my mind. It’s surely not goodbye yet, but I’m afraid that’s coming soon. I need to know what your feeling or else I may have to disappear for good. I know you don’t like talking about your feelings—you’ve always been really secretive about that—but just this once I’d like you to go out on a limb and attempt to tell me whether or not I’m simply wasting my time.