That Damn Gun

Day by day, the gun becomes more appealing. Lately I’ve been ready to shoot. I’ve picked it up very infrequently up until now. Though recently, my hand has had it gently grasped, ready to pull that trigger and kill that figure once and for all. I still don’t want to, but the figure keeps getting closer, making threats, stabbing at my heart, coming close to ripping it out. It would be much simpler to just end its existence, because that seems to be what the figure wants these days. At first I thought the figure wanted to simply provoke a reaction to finally be noticed and re-acknowledged, but since then things have changed with the figure. Assisted suicide. That’s what it wants. Or is it? I’m not quite sure…

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Alone

Nobody knows. It would take attention. Intuition. A moment of not focusing on oneself. There’s beauty in this world, but there’s also an area of darkness that remains inconspicuous to most. No one notices it within others very often. It’s all internal. It’s all in our heads. Well that’s the most dangerous thing for one’s sanity. For their mental health. For their happiness. To continue going on through life, caring about others, wanting to connect to them, needing to connect to them, but not feeling the same care reciprocated. It’s like you’re that cashier that continuously asks distracted customers how they are, and wishing their ungrateful ass a good day when you finish giving them what they bought. You’re left feeling alone, while standing surrounded in a crowded room. You’re never alone in the literal sense, but you’re always alone in reality. Depth doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Intimacy is a rarity. No one knows how to connect anymore… Actually, that’s not true. No one cares. There is a lack of interest. “Focus on someone but myself? Make someone feel valued? Have genuine interest in someone? Pshh that’s too much work, I’ll just let people treat me like some amazing discovery while I remain indifferent towards them.” 

The therapy of writing

At the moment I don’t feel all that well. My motivation is stifled because I’ve allowed myself to slip into a downward spiral of emotions. Earlier today I read about strange things our bodies do everyday, two of them were blink, and cry. In the mini article it talked about how crying was good for you. So I’m giving it a whirl. Maybe I can cleanse these odd emotions out with some tears. Now typically I would see these as happy tears if I were to be cleansing my emotions with a nice cry, but these aren’t happy tears… I feel a little alone at the moment… I know it may seem ridiculous to some and some may say we should all be able to find solace within ourselves, but for the time being I’m lacking that kind of strength. I can’t muster the courage to brave through it alone any longer. So as my own way of therapy, I’m going to write about one of the reasons as to why I’ve found myself in this lonely state. 

Throughout my life I’ve found myself loosing touch with people, and mutually drifting out of one another’s lives. Generally it’s worked quite well for me because I’ve found more meaningful connections by letting nature take its course. Although I’ve found myself in a little dilemma… I don’t lack a supply of people to talk to or reach out to in times of loneliness, but I’ve recently kept to myself because I find no fulfillment in any of these friendships. I have an amazing best friend and I wouldn’t trade her for the world, but at times I wish I would have found a best-guy-friend along the way. 
I have come close twice in my life… Both times letting them slip away. 
Ironically both of the guys were scorpios… (For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, Scorpio is a zodiac sign). 
The first one was dating my friend at the time and continued to make passes at me… So basically the drama that ensued caused the splitting of ties. 
On the other hand, I recently drifted out of the life of the second Scorpio. He and I had amazing conversations, but he wanted me, and I was uncertain about him. When I looked at it objectively, I realized that if I dated him, it would be because of his mind, not the entire package. I didn’t like his lifestyle, nor did I find him all that attractive. He wasn’t ugly, because I honesty don’t think anyone in this world is ugly. We’re all someone’s idea of perfection. He just wasn’t my type. Now I know you’re all probably furiously typing away in the comments about to tell me off for being superficial, but I’d like to explain myself first. I think there are different levels and statuses for people in your life for this very scenario. You have the highest tier, which is who you choose to be your significant other. Ideally this person is supposed to possess mind, body, and spirit/soul (so they turn you on both sexually and mentally, and dazzle you with their unique soul). Your next tier is best/ good friends. Ideally they just don’t do it for you physically, but you enjoy their company and conversation. Lastly, you have the people who aren’t all that consistent in any of these areas, and we rate them as acquaintances. 
This guy friend of mine fell into the second category, as a good, maybe even best, friend. It was apparent that deep inside, he wanted more. He continued to try to further things. He gave me a rose, and I handed it back, and I told him that he deserved a girl who could be his valentine on Valentine’s Day, and that I just wasn’t the girl for him. I began to taper off my conversations with him, to try to ween him off the thought of me. I didn’t want him to continue pursuing me, knowing that he could spend that time finding who he’s supposed to be with, so I eventually stopped talking to him all together. 
Now you’re probably ferociously typing a comment about how evil I am for hurting this guy and ignoring him… Yes it isn’t the nicest way to do things, but I had indicated things were coming to a close, and just a few weeks ago, he sent me a goodbye text, telling me about the positive things in his life. He found a girl who is like him. That was my goal. I believe he’s better off without me, but sometimes I miss having an interesting conversation waiting just around the corner if I chose to peak. 
He was the closest thing I’ve had to a male best friend, and for that I’m grateful towards him. 
You may be wondering why I brought these two guys up, so now I’ll explain. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed a common theme, but I just realized there is one. Neither of these guys were ever setting out to have a purely platonic thing with me. No guy really ever has… And it is kind of unsettling in a way. I’ve retracted from all of these people, because I don’t feel I can talk to them without them trying to get to know my body more, not my mind. At the moment there is only one guy who I want to know my body more (and mind of course), and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t but a clue, but maybe he’ll catch on if I keep giving hints… 
But it’s not even the fact that the guys wanted my body that put me off, it was that that is how they began to interact with me. Let me clarify a bit more… It’s as though two bodies were trying to have a conversation. Now as far as body language goes, you can have a pretty damn good conversation if there’s chemistry, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the simplicity in which we begin to view things when we’re caught up in overwhelming attraction and lust. It’s a little distracting I’ll admit, but these guys don’t even attempt to have a real conversation, it just feels as though they think boring conversation is the eventual lubricant that will bring about a furtherance of any physical thing between them and me…. 
Now I don’t want interesting and sexy guys I know to get the wrong idea… I’m not talking about you guys. If you are able to admire my mind, soul, sexuality, and body, then take me at your will… Not literally exactly… But if you can sense I’m feeling something as well, or giving you signals, go for it, and don’t miss the signal like Ted did with Robin. (HIMYM reference to their first kiss… If you didn’t know who I was talking about).
Readers who stuck through this entire post, I’m glad to say I’m feeling a lot better. Writing is my therapy, and this post was just what I needed. I know it appears a little bipolar since I went from sad to happy within the time it took to write this, but maybe writing is truly just that therapeutic. 

Thoughts 

It’s confusing to feel bliss one moment, then dissatisfaction with life at other points. This feeling surely isn’t a depressive sadness, but it also isn’t something to be ignored. When you feel dissatisfied, something needs to be changed. But what if you don’t want to change things, what if you change your mind and it’s too late, what if things fall through? It’s surely a gamble, but isn’t it worth it? Go for the uncertain option, or the dependable one? This kind of choice can be made simply, if both options happen to be equal. But what if the higher gamble brings the greater prize? Would it be worth risking it all only to fall… That is the question. At the present moment, dissatisfaction may roam through your body, but in the next, what if you just so happen to be content with the safe bet? 

Maybe it’s loneliness and you want to free yourself of the feeling by socializing, but rejection frightens you. Maybe it’s a choice one is making between two lovers. Perhaps, it’s between the career path you take in life. Or even between following a religion or removing yourself from that path. 
All of those things can be a gamble, and the cards lie in your hands. Do you risk it all, or quit before you lose everything? 
I don’t think it can necessarily be looked at as a black and white decision, because there’s always more to a story. There may be particular ties to the safe bet that one needs to undo before they feel ready to risk it all. Maybe they wish to go for the gamble, but the deliberation is requested too early, and they bet safe instead of big?