Time

Time is a social construct made for those who feel compelled to measure life, measure moments, measure the time it takes to obtain happiness. There are others who disregard this petty measurement. They don’t see it as lacking or possessing value, it simply exists to them. A short love is not any less powerful than a longer love. You commit for a year, you commit for 4 months, the longest must be the strongest, right? It just might be the one that was worth holding onto. Well maybe that’s the case, but other times, the love most fleeting, those connections torn apart by bad timing, those are even more powerful, consuming, and captivating. However, let’s not discount time all together, for it plays a more drawn out role in those shorter love affairs too. It’s the time spent yearning for a lover’s presence after the split, it’s the time you’ll never get back, but couldn’t care less. The longer something resonates within your mind, the harder it becomes to deny it your attention.So when you pride yourself at staying together so long, 1 year, 2 years, whatever it may be, and celebrate that milestone, I apologize for my perplexed expression. Yes, it’s commendable that you’ve stuck together for so long, but I can’t help but be saddened by the thought that it’s so prevalent in your mind. What’s with the counting? The tallying of the days? I feel as though that alters your mind to think of it as a challenge, not a pleasure, to stay with one another. It’s like one of those games that requires intense endurance, that you can’t wait to set the record and finally take a rest (traffic master or flappy bird anyone…). Sure, setting that record feels great, and it provides ultimate bliss, but you’ve just cheapened the game. Where is the pure enjoyment of playing it? I think the problem is that it was never for the fun of the game, it was winning, it was beating the rest, proving you could do it. 

Now I’m not saying you must look at games differently, but I feel you should look at relationships and love differently if this is the mentality that you’ve adopted. It’s not failure to lose a relationship 1 week in, 1 month in, 2 months in, etc. It’s simply a byproduct of self discovery. Your self discovery, but also the self discovery of who you date and choose to love. You find what you’re looking for, how you want to be treated, how you need to be treated, and they do the same. If in the process, one of you finds that it’s not working, it’s not a failure. In fact, that’s a success. You may not think that at the time, but when you’re happy years down the road, knowing that you two weren’t meant to be, you’ll be glad you stopped tallying the days and trying to set your new best record for the longest relationship you’ve had. Because that’s when you’ll find a relationship that feels like you’ve only been together for a week, when in reality, it’s been years. Days will blend together, and you won’t care to keep track of how long it’s been, cause that’s not important to you. You live in the moment of love, and that’s all that matters. 

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Lethargy 

I feel tired, I want to sleep, my motivation is ceasing, and all I can think of is how this isn’t me. I haven’t been me for a while… Not just a few weeks, but for months, I’ve been some other person. I’ve lost the part of me that I love. To some it may seem trivial, it may appear to be lust, or come across as petty that something as simple as earthly desires occupies my mind so frequently. I apologize, it’s just something that never leaves my mind. For the longest time, I was free, I shared affection with those around me, and I loved life. When I’d become exclusive with someone, I’d easily turn people down, but still maintain a sincere friendship with them. The reason I turned them down so easily is not because I felt I had to or that they weren’t perfect in their own way, but because I was perfectly content in my current lover’s arms. When I’m in love I feel whole. Not because I need someone else to be complete. I don’t need someone to be happy. It’s the fact that I can express a part of me that is otherwise left unrevealed. I’m very affectionate. Not just your typical huggy, cuddly type, but even more. When I kiss your lips, I want to sense every part of your mouth. How you taste, how your lips feel pressed against mine, your breath. When I kiss your neck as I straddle your lap, I am in my most comfortable state. The action of kissing your neck is very enjoyable, but it’s not even just that. It’s watching you tilt your neck to expose more skin for my lips to devour. It’s hearing a groan escape your lips. Feeling you relax and enjoy every sensation. As I trail kisses up your neck and reach your ear lobe, I love the shift in reaction. To me, your ear lobe is perfect. It’s soft and adorable and fun to nibble on. For you, this simple, innocent part of your body contains nerve endings that somehow send pleasure throughout your body. There’s something about such an innocent body part providing you with pleasure that makes me happy. I love to run my hands through your hair and hold your head in my hands not only because I know it feels nice, but also because feeling your hair in my hands makes me content. It’s soft and perfect, and smells like you. When I sink my body into yours as I grind into you, I don’t simply enjoy the act just because it’s turning me on. I like to grind into you, to bring my body closer to yours, so that I can get as close to you as possible. I want to feel every inch of you pressed up against me, because to me, you are perfection. Perhaps I’ll finish the list of sexual acts at a later date, but for now, this will do. My point is, affection is one of my main modes of self expression. It makes me feel more like myself. I haven’t truly touched someone without inhibitions in a very long time. Just like in other aspects of my life, I’m quite particular and meticulous when it comes to choosing who I touch, simply because touch means so much to me. I don’t waste my time all too often, cuddling, kissing, or hugging the wrong people. When I like you, it means something, it doesn’t happen that often. So far, my methods have worked, I’ve never regretted a single touch. I wish to continue this way, but I’m not so sure how long I can hold off. I miss it. That human to human contact that reminds us of what it’s like to be alive. The foreign feeling of a first kiss with someone new. 

The Gun 

My finger was seconds away from pulling the trigger. Standing in front of me was a figure I’ve come to know all too well. I felt inclined to end the existence of that form that stood before my eyes, but I hesitated. If I shot, the battle would cease and there would be no more uncertainty anymore. No more unanswered questions. No more undiscovered mysteries. The suffering would end, but so would the possibility of a happy ever after. It’s quite confusing as to how all those scenarios could be wrapped into one, but it’s a unique case I guess you could say. That figure embodies hope, but it also embodies despair. So when I waiver or consider ending it all, take a moment to envision yourself in my shoes. Know that this is torture. It’s prolonged heartbreak that seems to be never ending no matter what path I choose. Each path I see involves a new weapon, one that is far less lethal, but still inflicts harm, despite my efforts to maintain peace. I’ve come to the realization that no matter what, a wound, no matter how small, will come about from my actions. So I’m choosing a new weapon, not to purposely harm the figure, but to allow myself a release in order to feel again. I’ve set the gun down for now, because I’m not prepared to attend that funeral just yet. 

Now she’s his

There you stand in your life, having a great time. You’ve got the girl, yet you still have those who meant something to you before, still answering your messages. Soon everything will change. Not abruptly, but gradually. You know that one who “means something to you,” so you insist on remaining friends. Well now it takes a little longer for her to get back to you. You notice she doesn’t compliment you the way she did before. It appears as though in her mind, all of that history between you two has vanished. The next thing you know, you start hearing of her new guy. No, not that friend of yours. Although why did the idea of the two of them together bother you so much when you had already moved onto someone else? This guy of hers shows her the love she’s been holding out for for all of these months she’s been heartbroken by you. He holds her tight and doesn’t let go. In every hug and every kiss, he lets her know she’s all his. He cherishes being with her, and let’s her know that he’s not going anywhere. He’s everything she’s wanted in a guy, and more. The next thing you know, you begin to allow your mind to snap into reality of what goes on behind the scenes. Those lips you used to kiss are know being passionately kissed by another man. That beautiful cascading hair is now grasped by someone else’s hands. Those eyes that used to stare into yours are now looking into someone else’s lustful gaze. That body you used to explore with your hands isn’t in your possession anymore. Her heart, her soul, her mind, and every part of her is now his. You got what you wanted: her friendship, even when it was killing her inside. Well an unfortunate byproduct was that you also lost her. She’ll remain your friend forever, but now it’s your turn to face the reality that her soul has found company in someone else’s sheets. The secret side of her personality that you got to see is now being displayed to her new guy. Although you may not notice, he’s like you in a million ways, all but one quality that is: he’s never letting her go. Soon these images will become more vivid as time passes. It won’t simply be a little kiss forever. Soon you’ll face the reality that this guy doesn’t just kiss those lips, he ravishes every inch of her body, in some ways you never got the chance to.

When you finally begin to realize you’re feeling the terrible feelings that she felt before, know this: that love you see between the two of them isn’t like what you two shared. She’ll put on a happy face, but chances are, her heart still yearns to be with you. 

So when it inevitably happens, remember not to give up, cause I’m sure it would be tempting. You’ll think to yourself “she’s happy, she doesn’t treat me or talk to me the same way she did before, she’s moved on. There’s no point. She’s happy with him.” 

Tell her you miss her. Finally share your thoughts. That’s all it will take to knock her back into reality. You don’t do it often–which is why she’ll pay attention. 

Scratches 

You hurt her. She thought you’d at least warn her of the wound you were about to create. The pain that it would cause. The reason you did it. There was no explanation; Maybe it’s because she didn’t give you one when you needed it. Though now it has all unfolded. Scars have been made, and the wounds are taking their sweet time to finish healing. Just when she thinks they’ve finished, something ends up scratching them once more. You posses the antidote, but you don’t give it, and she doesn’t know why. Why don’t you give it to her? Maybe you have a secret that explains it all. You two promised no secrets though, right? Though does the rule count if the subject of the secret never arises? Aside from that, she has a secret of her own. She has the ability to inflict an even deeper wound on you. It would singe forever. Yet she knows that since it would be so painful, perhaps even more than equal to the pain you’ve caused her, she can’t bring herself to do it. An eye for an eye doesn’t apply here, she knows that. So she’s cautious with her desires, and refrains from making any counterattack. Even as her wounds continue attempting to heal, she doesn’t dare make you feel the same. All she wants is for the attacks to end, for the wounds to heal, for a declaration of peace, but it appears as though it will never come. So until then, she continues to heal. She looks for someone to provide an antidote. Perhaps it’s not the exact antidote she needs, but it will have to suffice. 

Switching filters

Just today I was scrolling through instagram’s main page, and I continued to see pictures of my favorite musician and his new girlfriend. The first time I saw a picture of them I was instantly happy for him; he finally was with a girl who he couldn’t stop smiling around. There has been lots of talk by the fans about how sad they are to see him with a girl (because they’re kinda obsessed with him…), how these photos were all supposedly stolen and then leaked, and how this new girl can’t possibly compare to the girl he was singing about in all of his previous songs. None of that really matters though. For someone who can resonate with the somber tone portrayed in a lot of his earlier work, it makes me happy to see that even when you’ve appeared to sink so low, there’s the possibility that there’s someone out there that could possibly change that–maybe not forever, and perhaps not the same way you’ve felt before–but at least enough to get by for just a while. Enough to change up your tone and give you the perspective you need to be yourself once again. I know we don’t necessarily lose ourselves when we’re depressed and introspective, but we lose that light in our eyes. Everything singes your soul so much that you’re numb, yet feelings still flood onto a page and appear as though you feel every inch of them. It’s not that you don’t feel them, it’s that you feel them so intensely, it’s hard to sense the change. Through this, the line between happiness and sadness seem to blur. You can feel glee one moment, and in the next, you’re unable to recall what it’s like to be happy. Then one day, something, or someone snaps you back to reality. For my favorite musician, it’s his new muse. For the mean time it appears as though his old ghost (old heartbreak/ ex) no longer haunts him. He’s been set free. He found a girl who seems to help him forget his past heartbreak. It’s quite fitting that he will be releasing a more upbeat album soon, because it is exactly the kind of music I’ll be looking for. In the next few months I’m going to experience some change. In about one month precisely, I’ll be settled and ready to make some changes in my love life.

Currently I’m still single, like you all probably know. I’ve had feelings for guys, but nothing has happened yet. Here in France, I have less than two weeks, so I surely won’t be starting anything with a french guy. Once I get home I have two more weeks before I head off to college. Who knows if anything will happen. If it does, it will most likely be a no-strings-attached goodbye fling of making out and cuddling. Who knows. All I know is that I’m ready for a new tempo. My last posts have been hinting towards a sense of not letting go. Well now is the time that I must. I’ve gone on too long with my unpredictable emotions affecting my choices (when it comes to dating) and my writing. From now on, I intend to simply focus on treating everyone with love and kindness and see where it goes. I’m going to purge anger, resentment, sadness, and any other negative emotions from my system.

Now I won’t make any promises that this blog will be purely all about thoughts of positivity and happiness, cause we all do still have our down days, but I’m going to make an effort to look at life through a new filter.  

 

Self love

Self love: accepting and loving the unique qualities that you possess that can not be changed. 
Many have their definition of self love, this one is mine. Recently I’ve been noticing that it’s not always so easy for someone to appreciate who they are physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. 

The problem that arises is not that others begin to point out flaws, but rather, you do the finger pointing yourself. When we act insecure, clingy, overly dependent on attention, and play the victim card every two seconds, we have basically told the whole world why we feel we’re not worthy. If we can’t come to love ourselves apart from others we can’t truly have self love. 

I was talking to someone once who had a deep insecurity about one aspect of their appearance. At first you couldn’t tell that the person was insecure, but then the bread crumbs began to fell and it was everywhere. When I wouldn’t get back to them for an hour they’d ask if they had done something wrong, and instead of laying off after that they’d press further and prod more into why I hadn’t answered them for a millisecond. This person continued to look for affirmation from me when he was truly looking in the wrong place. It is impossible to ever get the true affirmation you need from anyone but yourself. There is no one you are forced to live with for the rest of your life but yourself. If you can’t accept and love your qualities, you can’t expect others to see the beauty in everything that comprises who you are. Now you may raise the point that sometimes it’s too difficult to gain this assurance on your own—that you need the affirmation of others along with your efforts. The issue with that is that you place your worth into the hands and judgement of others who may not like what you have to offer—because we all have our own preferences. Just because one person doesn’t like you doesn’t mean no one will ever see the wonderful things you have to offer and deem you perfect for them. 

I have a particular taste in people both physically and mentally that even my identical twin doesn’t prefer. Even two people who are nearly the same genetically have completely different tastes in the people we prefer, so that can tell you a bit as to how preference can truly range from person to person. We all have that one type of person who can complete us in a way. For some it’s a soft compassionate energy they look for in perhaps a thinner, lankier person. For others it could be a stubborn, sarcastic, teasing energy in a thicker form. Some like dark features, others like light. Some love deep contrasts between the colors of features, others love a more subtle beauty. No matter what you look like, or what energy/personality you have to offer, someone will love you for you. Although, it takes loving all of your qualities first before you can ever expect someone to love them for what they are. People who are unapologetically themselves in every way are beautiful human beings, because they’ve conquered something some struggle with all of their life: self love. 

Stop looking in the mirror with hate, disgust, or disappointment at the unique beautiful body you’ve been given. We all only get one body, one soul, and one personality in a life time, appreciate it. You’re beautiful, those surrounding you are beautiful, those deemed “ugly” by society are beautiful. Everyone is perfect in their own way. Not everyone will like you, and perhaps you will go some time when no one does. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t perfect to someone, somewhere out there. 

A life full of hating yourself is a life wasted. Now that doesn’t mean go kill yourself, or that you’re worthless, or that you’re somehow imperfect because it’s taken you this long to begin doing so. Stop falling prey to self victimization and appreciate all your qualities. I know, we’re all human and it’s a difficult task to overlook what we deem imperfect, but it’s one small task that will bring you closer to an existence you’re proud of. Unburdened of the trivial, petty things that hinder others from living their lives to the fullest.