Unconditional

Happy as ever, a picture perfect couple on paper. Around everyone else you two appear to be happier than ever. Deep inside you both are breaking. You want to make this work, but is it simply becoming a test to see how long you can maintain it? Sure you two care for one another, but where is the passion, the lust, the total understanding. No not the best friend kind of understanding. The kind that when you look into that person’s eyes, you know you’ve finally found that feeling, that connection that you’ve been looking for. It’s not just a lustful gaze, comfortable gaze, or a passionate gaze, it’s all of those and more combined into one look. You two are the only ones in the room in that moment, and everything fades away. The objects in the room are just a blur to you. All you see are those beautiful eyes staring back at you. That’s surely not what this is though… Yes there’s history, and yes they’ve got your back, but is them being them simply enough for you? If years down the road you were to meet again, with faded memories, and see them pounds heavier, would that feeling they give you still remain the same? If they were to do something that frustrated you to no end, would your reasoning be to get mad now, but not give up on them because the feeling of being apart would tear you apart to no end? Is your love for them unconditional? Not simply meaning you’d go out on a limb for them. That’s caring for someone–It’s quite common. The kind of unconditional that draws you to them when they’re away. They remain in your thoughts even when out of sight. The kind of connection that no matter what they do, no matter what’s going on, no matter how they look, just being them is enough. That’s all that matters. You wouldn’t have it any other way. You don’t want someone fitter, more intelligent, more accomplished, you want them. Only them. They’re perfection. Not external perfection, but rather internal. Every part of their soul resonates with yours and brings you peace, happiness, and fulfillment. If something exists between you two that we all can’t see, then by all means, continue on, keep the details of your relationship a secret to others. Allow others to see only a mirage of the two of you. Pretend to be the cookie cutter perfect couple. When you two appear to fumble and sink into a boring depressive state in public, don’t feel the need to defend your relationship if there’s more to it all that no one else is able to see but you two. If being apart is harder than being with them, then by all means, stay and savor every moment you’ve got. They’re your definition of perfect, not anyone else’s. Don’t feel the need to defend a connection you know is strong. Though if what they all say is true, if they’re simply not the one for you, listen to them, listen to those doubts you’re having. Perhaps you care for them, but spending your time with someone who doesn’t truly love you unconditionally, who you don’t truly love unconditionally, is surely a waste. 
To those of you who read this thinking it was about you, just know that this isn’t just one person or couple I’m talking about. This is based on a mixture of all the relationships I’ve seen around me. But if at any point this made you think of someone, or a relationship, don’t ignore that. Just look at this like one of those cheesy reposts on Instagram with the caption “I never mentioned a name, but someone popped into your head while reading this.” 

Time

Time is a social construct made for those who feel compelled to measure life, measure moments, measure the time it takes to obtain happiness. There are others who disregard this petty measurement. They don’t see it as lacking or possessing value, it simply exists to them. A short love is not any less powerful than a longer love. You commit for a year, you commit for 4 months, the longest must be the strongest, right? It just might be the one that was worth holding onto. Well maybe that’s the case, but other times, the love most fleeting, those connections torn apart by bad timing, those are even more powerful, consuming, and captivating. However, let’s not discount time all together, for it plays a more drawn out role in those shorter love affairs too. It’s the time spent yearning for a lover’s presence after the split, it’s the time you’ll never get back, but couldn’t care less. The longer something resonates within your mind, the harder it becomes to deny it your attention.So when you pride yourself at staying together so long, 1 year, 2 years, whatever it may be, and celebrate that milestone, I apologize for my perplexed expression. Yes, it’s commendable that you’ve stuck together for so long, but I can’t help but be saddened by the thought that it’s so prevalent in your mind. What’s with the counting? The tallying of the days? I feel as though that alters your mind to think of it as a challenge, not a pleasure, to stay with one another. It’s like one of those games that requires intense endurance, that you can’t wait to set the record and finally take a rest (traffic master or flappy bird anyone…). Sure, setting that record feels great, and it provides ultimate bliss, but you’ve just cheapened the game. Where is the pure enjoyment of playing it? I think the problem is that it was never for the fun of the game, it was winning, it was beating the rest, proving you could do it. 

Now I’m not saying you must look at games differently, but I feel you should look at relationships and love differently if this is the mentality that you’ve adopted. It’s not failure to lose a relationship 1 week in, 1 month in, 2 months in, etc. It’s simply a byproduct of self discovery. Your self discovery, but also the self discovery of who you date and choose to love. You find what you’re looking for, how you want to be treated, how you need to be treated, and they do the same. If in the process, one of you finds that it’s not working, it’s not a failure. In fact, that’s a success. You may not think that at the time, but when you’re happy years down the road, knowing that you two weren’t meant to be, you’ll be glad you stopped tallying the days and trying to set your new best record for the longest relationship you’ve had. Because that’s when you’ll find a relationship that feels like you’ve only been together for a week, when in reality, it’s been years. Days will blend together, and you won’t care to keep track of how long it’s been, cause that’s not important to you. You live in the moment of love, and that’s all that matters. 

Some words

Sometimes life happens and you feel yourself get swept away in the tide of everyday activities and interactions. You see the crash and fall of the waves, but sometimes you don’t feel them like you naturally would. Something’s on your mind. Your thoughts can’t help but wander. Where do they wander? Is it to thoughts of a significant other? A new romantic interest? Is it that old flame that still burns and singes your soul? Is it wandering to thoughts of finding that thing called love that everyone talks so fondly about? They wander everywhere. Currently stuck on the beautiful idea of a twin flame. “What is a twin flame?” It is a concept that can give you hope or break you down entirely. To those who haven’t found a remarkable spark with anyone, the idea that a greater connection and love brings happiness to them—also alluding to the fact that they haven’t lost their shot yet. Some have love and lost— sometimes they just so happen to lose their twin flame. How would they lose it if it is an even stronger bond/ connection/ passion than a soulmate, you ask? Well you never truly lose it— it becomes unavailable, unattainable, too difficult to hold onto. Not every lost twin flame is gone forever, but sometimes it appears that way. It all comes down to the two individuals who share that connection. Are you stubborn? Are you foolish enough to let your twin flame walk even farther out of your life while you’re settling for a lesser passion? Are you scared? Are you too blind to see that you’re losing them day by day? Are you too heartbroken to give it another shot? If so, you might just lose them. It is a little difficult to continue to try when the odds are against you. History is made, and sometimes bridges are burned. Sometimes those pained goodbyes are final. It’s not because neither of you feel anything for each other anymore— you might feel everything, but you’ll never tell…

The other day I watched a movie that portrayed this kind of connection. They broke up because it was necessary, not because the love had faded. It never faded, even after 20 years of being apart. They still thought of one another after all of that time had passed. When they saw each other after all of those years, the connection, the passion, the yearning for one another still remained. It’s not the conversations they had, or the things that they shared in common, or the things they knew about one another. It was the need to be next to one another, with no clear reason. It is the desire to see and talk to that soul, because it is the only one yours finds effortless comfort with. They craved each other’s bodies– not because their bodies were perfectly toned and proportioned, but because that body belonged to the soul they couldn’t bare to live without.

Of course the movie didn’t end well…. I just so happened to conveniently remember towards the end, that the writer of the story is notorious for creating sad movies involving deaths to induce tears and despair in the viewer.

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have your smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

Cheating and Superficiality

    I don’t know about you guys, but since when has our world become so obsessed with photo shopped beauty, cheating, affairs, the lust for one you can’t have, and drama, that we can’t even realize that all we need is love. We all may not realize it, but we search for it day in and day out. Looking for that connection with something or someone, whether it be a passion and love for a hobby, or a lover. Sometimes I think that we look away from the deeper connection with those things, and become far too attached to the superficial value something can bring us. I would like to defer back to the typical holly wood high school drama that plays day in and day out in movie story lines. The popular girl is the girl who obtained the highest exterior value because she has the best clothes, and obtained an enviable hobby: cheer leading. Because all cheer leaders must be like the ultimate gifted gymnast in bed, and have gorgeous hair, and are just the most amazing person ever. Even though being a girl, I could never tell you the comparisons between their sexual abilities compared to a regular girl’s abilities, I can bring up one possibility. Unless the guy they get with is ok with the same “routine” they have mastered, I’m pretty sure you’d be that girl who can f like a porn star. Maybe that girl only blows people’s minds with the coordination she has for those moves because shes rehearsed them a billion times. Okay I’m little off topic, but I will get there…. Just one more thing, and that is that that same popular girl goes the extra mile to up her status by getting the guy every girl fawns over. The guy whose looks seem like they’re strait from a magazine, or whose athletic abilities will bring him to the NFL, NBA, and so forth, but who doesn’t treat a girl right. That girl is only looking for how she will look being with him though, so she must not have that big of expectations for the integrity and personality he has. 

    I dare say though, that maybe people should start searching for a deeper connection in life. When you start to go steady with that one person, give your all. Show them that they chose the right person, and don’t treat them like they’re lucky to have you and you are just a settler. When you have that mind set, they always give, and you don’t; they give their feelings, effort, time, life, and so much more to you. They invest in you, open up, and share about themselves. If you never commit those parts of yourself, you’re never prone to heartbreak, only to leaving heartbroken people behind you. I believe that the ones who hurt the most after their relationships are the ones who love with all their heart the most. Giving people those things can lead to feeling like you opened up, and they didn’t love the real you. But truly, they couldn’t suffice enough of an effort to build the relationship up, and that’s their problem. 

   Another thing I don’t get is when one stops loving someone, and instead of taking that person out of their misery, treats them terribly to try to get them to end it, and then meanwhile cheats on them. Or the two of you are blissfully happy, and then one of you wants a side fun buddy as well. Or when you opt for the hooker for fun, while you have a committed girlfriend who loves you. Yes, it’s hard not to be drawn towards a shiny object, one that’s new and you haven’t discovered or tampered with yet. It is exciting to open about a different book to see what’s inside. Some would also say that once you open that new book you realize it’s a terribly boring story, it just doesn’t speak to your heart the way the last novel you read did. Maybe you realize that you may know now what will happen with that old novel, but yearn for its predictable comfort, and unique soul it had to it. Then you realize that book has moved to the best seller rack, and to get a copy, you’d have to be the richest man in the world now to obtain just a copy of it. Now the original is safely displayed in a home where it is cherished and appreciated for that predictable story line that you tired of. Have fun with your random trash novel you picked up for 50 cents at the front counter of the bookstore. 

     I don’t know why we humans are the way that we are, our lust for many human bodies, shooting in different directions at once. it seems we’re never satisfied with just one gorgeous body, we need to lay our eyes on all of them. Instead of picking our favorite, we beg to have more than one, because it’s just so hard to chose one when we know that there are a billion more beautiful and diverse options out there as well. I think we should all forget about that one person who may have piqued our interest for one second, and think about how if we fall into the temptation just once, it could hurt someone that would never dare hurt us that way. 

     

     This is just basically another random rant lol. If you agree or disagree and want to add anything, I’d love to hear your comments :). Goodbye my fellow bloggers!! 😛 

You just don’t understand

I bet many people mentally recite this phrase probably a million times each day. We all believe no one understands us. That they just wouldn’t understand. Sometimes though, I feel as if we block the chance of actually truly giving them the possibility to understand us. No body knows everything, so maybe the reason they don’t understand, is because you haven’t provided them with the exact knowledge of your situation to truly get how you’re feeling.
I think that phrase to myself as I am informing my best friend about my love life recently. What I’m not always realizing though, is that there are days that pass that I go through things pertaining to my love dynamics, that she doesn’t see. I also may not remember every detail of it when it comes time to tell her about it all.
There is also this guy that I’ve been talking to, I think I mentioned him before, but if I haven’t, here is his nickname Mr. NGM. It stands for Mr. Nice Guy (and the first initial of his name). Now what he is not understanding, is why I want an ex back. If he knew the entire story of the relationship, and knew how the guy and I were together, maybe it would help him comprehend why I feel that way.
But now readers, it is time I help you guys understand the situation I’ve been going through the past few days. So for those of you who haven’t read my previous blog posts, I’ll explain. First I had a 3 month relationship with Mufasa B., then I broke up with him because we didn’t talk as much as I would like (very lame reason to break up.. I know). Then OT asked me out the day after I broke up with Mufasa B. OT and I had a 5 month relationship, but he turned out to be an emotionless jerk… So then, he broke up with me, and 2 ish days later my sister’s boyfriend set me up with his friend who had wanted to date me for a while, ever since he had met me like a month or so before. He asked me to be his girlfriend the night that I was set up with him. I thought at that time I was ready to move on, so I said yes. It turned out that I dated him for probably 3 days, then I broke up with him, cause I thought I was still hung up on Mufasa B. The next night I thought I was over Mufasa B., so I admitted to Mr. NGM that I still like him (Mr. NGM). So that lasted the evening until around 10-11 at night we were video chatting, and he mentioned my ex, Mufasa B. I never ended up even kissing Mr. NGM. Then emotions that I thought I didn’t feel for Mufasa B., rose up again, so I ended it with Mr. NGM so he wouldn’t become attached, and then I go back to to my ex or something. Because I knew at that moment, if Mufasa B. asked me back, I would have said yes. I still know that, because that is the reason I am explaining all of this to you.
I’ll let you know why I am thinking I am hung up on this ex of mine, Mufasa B. :
• It feels like we never stopped talking, because all the giddiness and butterflies that still attack me when we message.
• I think he was the only guy I ever loved. I think I just lied to myself about OT.
• He was by far the best kisser. Instead of just physically kissing, it seemed as though he kissed with his soul as well.
• Makes me feel nervous in a good way.
• Even though at a time it didn’t seem as though he was giving enough to me (talking, or seeing each other, and such), it never seemed as though the distance ever made it hard for him to still love me.
• He doesn’t go around talking about how girls are good looking strait to my face. I like honesty and all, but it’s not lying in my book, to hold yourself back from voicing those thoughts to your girlfriend…
• We talked the majority of our relationship. Just messaging each other talking about our day or anything else.
• It appears that he operates just like me. When in a relationship or even just liking somebody, and even when you’re in the in between, not official stage yet kind of place. You don’t go doing stuff or flirting with other people, because you know how you would feel if they do the same. So basically an instinctual monogamous/ unhypocritical way of thinking.
• He actually will talk about making out, and the works, without getting all weird. There are some guys you can tell, that you want to make out with them, but the conversation doesn’t go farther than that. But when someone is comfortable and willing enough to say what turns them on the most, and ask you what would turn you on the most, that is a turn on in it’s own!!
• And he’s also all the generics you usually tell people about, about the guy you like. He’s sweet, funny, caring, and smart.

I think it’s a very big possibility that he and I will rekindle our old flame. But we’ll just all have to wait and see what happens when I elaborate in my future blog posts.

Goodnight my readers :).