You stare contemptuously, letting the hate eat away at what remains of your character. All that lies before you is filthy, ridiculous, and unloveable. Unfortunately, that is an incorrect conclusion. What lies before you is the perfect example of care, humanity, and kindness. All that has been exemplified by that form in front of you is nothing but pure humanity, and you view it with the utmost disgust.
That’s where we falter. We see all the flaws immediately, sometimes never acknowledging those qualities that embody true perfection, true admirability. It perpetuates a vicious cycle of hate and creates an absence of appreciation. It is one thing to let these negative thoughts and comments silently ruminate in one’s mind, it’s another to continuously voice them aloud to taint the current rapport.
The most unexpected things occur when one spreads love rather than hate. One receives love back, the world becomes a better place to live in. It’s miraculous to see the results and watch happiness and love spark from every action, setting the world ablaze to create a bonfire of positivity. Soon all the flaws are unique features we’ve never seen. Those actions of ridiculousness, imperfection, lack of attention that causes us to stumble, are the pieces of humanity that spill out of us to signify to others that no one is perfect. While simultaneously discovering that it is this same quality of imperfection that leads one to claim that the one they love is perfect.
I finally found the word to describe how you move. It’s menacing. As you saunter toward a determined destination, your weight shifts back and forth between legs, your shoulders swaying. It looks like you’re drunk, but also appears to be your natural stage. Maybe life’s gotten you drunk. Not the good kind of drunk, but rather, the kind that leaves you feeling sick in the morning. You’ve had too much. This is the state of drunkenness where you begin to be painfully reminded by your mind as to the things going on around you. There’s a point where all of those memories are drowned out, this is the point where it’s all laid in front of you. You think about those who don’t speak to you anymore because you fucked up badly. You think about those who left you cause they didn’t have any use for you any longer. You think to those you want who will never want you. You think about your ever present loneliness. You’ve found yourself walking up and down these streets, back and forth, seeing the same scenery, waiting for someone to request your presence. Waiting for someone to want your presence. Though that never comes. You continue to pace back and forth on that same stretch of land in the cold, with your headphones in, trying to drown out reality. Maybe loneliness will always be your reality, you think to yourself. You try to think on the bright side, but your optimism is unfounded. That would require you not screwing up. Oh but how much you love to screw up. Make others feel like shit and then find yourself confused when they leave you alone. It will take a large shift in perspective and approach to win them back. It will take true repentance, not just the kind you utter when you’re trying to ‘apologize’. So many times these days, all of us apologize when we’re not truly sorry. The fault with that is that we’ve messed up on truly understanding where we went wrong if we can’t seem to find the reason as to why we should feel guilty. So then we continue to act in that same unsatisfactory manner, continuously wearing away at our ties between one another. You are met with frustration time after time, yet you still don’t get it. It’s not apologizing for it this time, or the next, or the time after that, it’s finally understanding what you’ve done.