Alone

Nobody knows. It would take attention. Intuition. A moment of not focusing on oneself. There’s beauty in this world, but there’s also an area of darkness that remains inconspicuous to most. No one notices it within others very often. It’s all internal. It’s all in our heads. Well that’s the most dangerous thing for one’s sanity. For their mental health. For their happiness. To continue going on through life, caring about others, wanting to connect to them, needing to connect to them, but not feeling the same care reciprocated. It’s like you’re that cashier that continuously asks distracted customers how they are, and wishing their ungrateful ass a good day when you finish giving them what they bought. You’re left feeling alone, while standing surrounded in a crowded room. You’re never alone in the literal sense, but you’re always alone in reality. Depth doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Intimacy is a rarity. No one knows how to connect anymore… Actually, that’s not true. No one cares. There is a lack of interest. “Focus on someone but myself? Make someone feel valued? Have genuine interest in someone? Pshh that’s too much work, I’ll just let people treat me like some amazing discovery while I remain indifferent towards them.” 

My life lately

Hello my wonderful followers! 🙂

I was thinking about it, and the majority of my posts are about random topics. For today though, I’d like to tell you what kind of junk I’ve been dealing with this past week.

So the main thing is that I just broke up with my boyfriend,OT, last night. Actually let me rephrase that, he broke up with me. He decided to call it quits for reasons that weren’t under my control. The most messed up part of it all though, is that I’ve heard from multiple people he was starting to hold hands and flirt it up with another girl, a few days before he broke up with me. Something also messed up was that after around 4 or 5 months of being together, he was completely emotionless and cold when he was breaking up with me. He didn’t care that at the time he was shattering my heart, or about the way I viewed him as well. His character in the end was nothing like the charming sweet guy I met in the first place. But what can I say, even sociopaths are very charming. I don’t know why he didn’t believe it was worth what we felt for each other, to just break it off because we had no control over our circumstances, but I don’t even care now. The guy I thought he was has disappeared, and I’m not even sure ‘that guy’ ever existed. Everyone’s true colors show eventually, and I guess he just got some pretty shitty colors so he decided trying on a rainbow jacket to mask them. I’m now starting to think that I may have possibly gotten played for the first time in my life. I can’t see why he chose me to be the victim of his false hoods, but I guess all animals have their own specific prey. 

One odd thing is, I had cried out a bit of my sadness, twice, on different nights before he finally took me out of the emotional limbo and just ended it. But then the night he broke up with me, I cried for under a half an hour, and ever since I’ve just kind of put him out of my mind. I’ve had quite a good day in result of that.

Now onto my next weird partial-dilemma. The guy I mentioned in my dilemma post, my ex, turns out to be the guy I’m questioning possibly getting back into a relationship with. You all must be like “are you crazy?! You want to get back with an ex? seriously?”. One of the reasons is, our first kiss was actually quite amazing. I remember tasting him in my mouth all night after we parted. The good kind of taste, it probably was the best taste I’ve ever had sit in my mouth that long. He also smelled like some type of delicious cologne that he had put on that night. It got on my clothes and on my hair, so whilst I was still tasting him all night, his scent never faded. It was such an awesome first kiss that I wrote down exactly how it went in a note on my phone, so maybe I’ll edit it up a bit, and post that tonight as well.

The thing about my ex though, is that I don’t know if I want to get back together or not. Also, the choice wouldn’t be mine, it would be his. I don’t know though, I always thought the getting back with your ex when you suddenly realize you clicked with him the most all along thing, is kinda cliche. I’ve just always wondered what the appeal was, because I’m just the type of person to say what’s done is done, and will not change. I didn’t break up with him because we were dysfunctional in any way. I did it because in my eyes he was to busy with his life to make the time I wanted him to make, to be able talk to me and see me.

That’s all I have to say about those two boys and my issues in my life right now, but I will say that with OT, I’m thinking it all was just a big lie that I fell for.

Happy blogging my peeps!! 😛