I feel tired, I want to sleep, my motivation is ceasing, and all I can think of is how this isn’t me. I haven’t been me for a while… Not just a few weeks, but for months, I’ve been some other person. I’ve lost the part of me that I love. To some it may seem trivial, it may appear to be lust, or come across as petty that something as simple as earthly desires occupies my mind so frequently. I apologize, it’s just something that never leaves my mind. For the longest time, I was free, I shared affection with those around me, and I loved life. When I’d become exclusive with someone, I’d easily turn people down, but still maintain a sincere friendship with them. The reason I turned them down so easily is not because I felt I had to or that they weren’t perfect in their own way, but because I was perfectly content in my current lover’s arms. When I’m in love I feel whole. Not because I need someone else to be complete. I don’t need someone to be happy. It’s the fact that I can express a part of me that is otherwise left unrevealed. I’m very affectionate. Not just your typical huggy, cuddly type, but even more. When I kiss your lips, I want to sense every part of your mouth. How you taste, how your lips feel pressed against mine, your breath. When I kiss your neck as I straddle your lap, I am in my most comfortable state. The action of kissing your neck is very enjoyable, but it’s not even just that. It’s watching you tilt your neck to expose more skin for my lips to devour. It’s hearing a groan escape your lips. Feeling you relax and enjoy every sensation. As I trail kisses up your neck and reach your ear lobe, I love the shift in reaction. To me, your ear lobe is perfect. It’s soft and adorable and fun to nibble on. For you, this simple, innocent part of your body contains nerve endings that somehow send pleasure throughout your body. There’s something about such an innocent body part providing you with pleasure that makes me happy. I love to run my hands through your hair and hold your head in my hands not only because I know it feels nice, but also because feeling your hair in my hands makes me content. It’s soft and perfect, and smells like you. When I sink my body into yours as I grind into you, I don’t simply enjoy the act just because it’s turning me on. I like to grind into you, to bring my body closer to yours, so that I can get as close to you as possible. I want to feel every inch of you pressed up against me, because to me, you are perfection. Perhaps I’ll finish the list of sexual acts at a later date, but for now, this will do. My point is, affection is one of my main modes of self expression. It makes me feel more like myself. I haven’t truly touched someone without inhibitions in a very long time. Just like in other aspects of my life, I’m quite particular and meticulous when it comes to choosing who I touch, simply because touch means so much to me. I don’t waste my time all too often, cuddling, kissing, or hugging the wrong people. When I like you, it means something, it doesn’t happen that often. So far, my methods have worked, I’ve never regretted a single touch. I wish to continue this way, but I’m not so sure how long I can hold off. I miss it. That human to human contact that reminds us of what it’s like to be alive. The foreign feeling of a first kiss with someone new.
I was just brought through a whirlwind of unpleasant emotions while watching a movie…. You know when you continue to root for two people to end up together, but the timing is always off for them? Well just picture having that feeling 3 or more times within the span of a hour or so. The reason I say multiply it, is because this movie would arouse the feeling, satiate you with a new love interest for each character, then arouse the feeling again, next they leave you feeling despair and giving up on rooting for the couple, arouse the feeling once more, and then give you a yearning hope for a bit longer, because of course at this point it must be inevitable that they end up together. They did… Thank god… The emotional investment into their romance/ friendship was too much to go through to not have a happy ending.
I know some of you may be shaking your heads at how caught up in the movie I got, but I swear, it was all too similar to the poor timing we all witness/ go through throughout our lives with potential romantic partners.
It’s torture to see two people who have an intrinsic connection, a core understanding of one another, and a mutual attraction, just skirting around the issue (liking one another), end up with other people as a result. I know that it’s tempting to wait for the perfect moment or the most romantic way to approach telling someone you have romantic feelings for them. Or possibly, you want to skip over the mundane profession of like, and wait for the perfect moment to kiss them in a manner that conveys all that you feel towards them/ the feeling you get when you’re around them.
I understand that that is what we all strive for: the moment. When it doesn’t have to be put out there before you are sure they feel the same. It would be a wonderful thing if we could all get the timing down to a T. For two amazing people who have spectacular chemistry to find the moment where their interest in one another is in sync, and they can just sense it. Then you have the moment, and you both feel the magnetic connection you share. You both lean in, and passionately express the pent up desire you have for one another.
That’s the dream, but sadly it’s not always the case. We wait eagerly for the moment, but we get scared and don’t act on it. We fear rejection, so we hold off a little longer. That little longer turns into too long. You share the connection forever, but if you give them any doubt, you may loose your chance. We live in a world where spectacular people are hard to come by, and additionally, they’re typically taken by another spectacular person. Although sometimes we’re lucky enough to find these people while they’re being their amazing selves as a single unit for the time being. Maybe they’ve decided to hold off for someone just like your self. You’ll never know if you don’t cherish this lull in their pursuit for a relationship with someone other than yourself. It will be too late, and perhaps you’ll turn out to be one of two spectacular people they know after that “little longer” you’ve created for yourself is over with.
Now I’m not saying that each outstanding individual you meet will flit quickly from one romantic interest to the next, but I will tell you this. If you see the spark in their eye that lights up your universe during your time together, chances are others see that spark as well. If you notice how stunningly unique this individual is, in both mind and body, chances are others see it too. Now what is the secret to preserving your moment with them? Show them your spark, and remind them of your existence. Continue to present yourself with opportunities to add on to the connection you both know you have.
I know we all see yearning and poor timing as romantic in movies because we know they have to end up with one another, but it’s not always as apparent in real life. Sometimes both people don’t recognize an amazing connection until it’s too late.
Although there’s only a few spectacular people in the world, there’s even less spectacular people’s whose soul resonates with yours. When you find yourself in tune with another, don’t let yourself loose that, because that kind of thing doesn’t come along all too often.
Body, mind, and spirit.
The other day it occurred to me that some look for all, then there are others who only acknowledge a body, but don’t admire the mind and spirit that lie within it. I recently talked about how the simplicity of the appreciation of the human form is a beautiful thing, and I still believe that, but I feel there is another aspect to it all that needs to be discussed.
If you don’t have appreciation for the spirit and mind that lie within a beautiful body, I don’t think you are appreciating it the same way that one who appreciates all facets of the beautiful body is.
There are those who are ravenous, and then those who know how to savor a delicious meal. You can put these two types of people at the same table, in the same setting, and serve the same food, but they won’t be experiencing the same thing.
The savorer strategically ensures he has all of the flavors of the meal perfectly stacked onto his fork, so that he may enjoy the combination of flavors, and not mistakenly neglect the main complement of the dish. He looks at the food as an experience, allowing each succulent piece to resonate in his mouth, and dance on his tongue. He loved the aesthetic appeal of his meal and the unforgettable flavors that came along with it. He leaves, knowing that if he visits again, he will surely request the same meal.
Then we have the ravenous man. He sees the plate of food and instantly knows it’s what he wants. He picks up his fork immediately and digs in. Instead of taking his sweet time to taste every individual bite, he decides the best approach is to eat it as fast as he can. He can’t control how delicious it is, and how badly he wants to continue to devour it. The man finishes the meal in record time, and requests seconds. The waiters tell him that that was the last one for the night, and the chef had gone home. The man, feeling unsatisfied and hungry, asks if the chef made anything else. They bring in a slice of cake, and the ravenous man grins, and proceeds with it in the same way he did the meal prior.
These two people, given the same opportunity have drastically different experiences. The man who savored his meal truly appreciated it in all its complexity. The other man didn’t have such luck. He acknowledged that it was a very decadent meal, but didn’t pay it the same respect.
I guess what it all boils down to is respect and understanding of that beautiful, perfect body. I’m not saying the ravenous man doesn’t have the capability to see its perfection, but he robs himself of true appreciation due to a lack of respect and understanding of it. Remember the old rule, “observe with your eyes and not your hands”? Let’s say you were instructed to apply that to the beautiful body in front of you. The sight of the body alone should elicit your true appreciation for it, not the sexual urges you may get when staring at the perfection.
If you can look at the body in its most innocent, natural, and rawest state, you’ve seen enough to truly appreciate it. If you’ve only seen the act that it puts on for observers, you haven’t seen its truly beautiful form.
I’m not going to discount the superficial lust that we all still can be entitled to, but I will say this. There is a difference between a temporary, fleeting appreciation and a continuous appreciation. If it was temporary and fleeting, then you truly didn’t see the perfection, and that’s a shame.
Inside every beautiful, perfect body lies an even more remarkable spirit and mind to be appreciated.