A letter for my thoughts

I’d like to begin by letting you all know that the posts I’ve written thus far have been about many people, some platonic, some romantic. Sometimes it’s fictitious, or at least I attempt to convince myself that. Though I’m a one-guy girl when I get into relationships, I may write about many guys (not always because of a romantic interest in them). I write about the people I’m thinking about, or who’s presence in my thoughts is influencing my emotions, in a good or bad way. I never mention names, and though there is a name in mind, I’m writing about whatever it is, for myself, not for any of the people to ever read it. So, I’ll let you all know now, it’s not solely dedicated to writing letters to anyone in particular. But back to what I was saying–Whether they’re good or bad feelings, I’m going to write them on a page to release and experience them. Though there are some times when I write about an ideal or the polar opposite, and though it could apply to a guy I know, I may not have made that connection with my thoughts yet. So when attempting to decipher who the letter posts I write are to, your guess is as good as mine.
….when I stare across a room into your eyes, I feel at home. It provides me comfort, as well as serving to intrigue me. You have a soft biting sparkle to your eyes. Conversing with you feels as though each response is a challenge, which is a very addictive quality; who would back down from a challenge?

Sometimes when our hearts are yearning, we remember/ desire the things that stimulate our senses, or remind us of a mutual passion shared between us and a lover. For me, it’s your soft curls. Grasping onto them, while you gaze into my eyes with desire. It feels as though we’ve found our own world in this moment. I crave your lips on mine. One look can lead my mind to believe something so pleasurable is forbidden. Well that just serves to make it even more enticing…

When I picture arousal, it doesn’t remain within a particular constraint. The standard for intensity has been raised. Many may think of my desires as twisted, I look at them as a form of release and a higher feeling.

Normally, a bland, superficial, vacuous setting, no matter how sexually charged, bores me (so basically, dinner and a movie, a party, or any setting that would lead me to see that you lack that one quality I’m looking for). You could be the hottest guy in the world, and I may end up feeling as though I could derive more pleasure from eating an apple (the fruit, just the fruit. Don’t get any ideas. It’s simply a word to infer that the pleasure is mundane).

All encompassing, passionate, dominant, loving, caring, lustful, compassionate, and uniquely yourself. That’s what captures my interest. If you poses these qualities, you are a sexy human being, and you should definitely continue doing things how you are, because it’s magnetic. You’re captivating. Well that is, at least to me.
You see, I write some of these things in present tense, because in my memory, that’s what it feels like. I know the difference between the past and the present, but for the purposes of this entry, it will remain present.
Part 2-
The other day I was asked why I listen to sad music. I understand the trend is to listen to upbeat, uplifting music, produced by a singer who appears to lead the perfect, most glamorous life. That simply doesn’t appeal to me. I can see why people don’t want to listen to my current obsession’s music.

Let me clarify one thing before I go on: no music is the best music. Yes, the musician that just came to your mind that you were prepared to vehemently defend as the best is good to you, but is it good to everyone? Although maybe that’s not how you classify/assess the level of perfection a musician is at.

Is it content (the story of the song). Does this mean it all has to be philosophical, progressive messages, uplifting lyrics? Or can it be about heartbreak and the simple things we all go through in life, that seem to affect us the most, possibly even more than all of the higher thinking?

Or is it the use of different affects, beats, and overall composition of the music that comprises the overall sound?

Is it the level of vocal skills that a musician demonstrates that determines the skill? Or is it also mixed with the passion and emotion they are able to convey when they sing their song?

If you say all of these things comprise a good song, then I agree. If you simply state that it’s all about a formula that it takes to set up a song’s beat, tied in with a very talented voice, you’ve just stripped music of its entire meaning.

Personally I would like to believe that music should be rated on how deeply it evokes a reaction within us, when we hear it. This tends to lend itself to no universally perfect music. Like I mentioned in “what does music mean to you?” how no one has the same definition of perfection, but to someone you’re perfect, and the same applies to music. Most songs don’t affect every single individual that listens to them, the same way.

With that definition being laid out there, I’m going to continue. Yet again, I’m listening to Abel Tesfaye (the weeknd). Right now my mind craves this music. It appeals to all of my senses, and I feel that I can resonate with his music.

Maybe he’s not the best. However, I don’t care. Honestly, I would like to request you all do a full evaluation of all of his songs, not just the mainstream ones that give him a bad rep, before we talk further on his skill level.
Yes, the claws are coming out because I’m in my Abel bubble at the moment. I have his music blasting with the windows down, feeling the beautiful wind breeze past me (someone else is driving the car I’m in).

With that being said, the claws aren’t really out, but I will continue with my current addiction, because it’s what I need/ want right now.

Can’t get no da da da sat-is-fact-ion

I’ll warn you now to not take this personally, because this is directed towards people who don’t read my blog, not you, my readers. Though, if you have a friend or girlfriend or anybody in your life who is disappearing on you, they could possibly have a similar reason, so read on.

The highlight of my night: I got my graphing calculator to show approximations instead of exact numbers. 

It’s not that I haven’t done interesting things, or socialized, it’s just that this is the only success I feel I have had. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I’m holding conversations I don’t even want to have, all out of keeping good social ties. “It’s not normal to recluse into a loner state, you should be social all the time. Why don’t you want to talk?” They say. It’s simple, I’m drained. For the longest time I didn’t know what it was that I wanted, but now I do. I want to be understood. Now I’m not trying to vie for attention, because that is the one thing I can’t stand the most. What I am saying is this: if you want to have a conversation with me, or expect me to continue talking to you, I would like to feel like I’m being met half way. 
For some of you, one sided conversations or not seeing eye to eye on things with others may not bother you in the slightest. Though for me, that is similar to how bad it would feel to be a little kid and have your favorite toy snatched from you, only to be thrown in the mud. Conversations, interactions, thinking, talking, discussing, debating… Those are the things I live for. I don’t desire material objects, or superficial compliments. I want deep conversation. Not necessarily with heavy emotions, but hey, maybe even that. If I don’t feel like a connection is being made I retract. It’s in my DNA… Some may say this is flighty… I call it self preservation. Why continue on with something that erodes your fulfillment when you can find something that provides it? I’m not necessarily saying that I replace people with other people, on the contrary rather. For the time being I feel like replacing some people with my writing. For those of you who stumble upon this post or haven’t followed me for a while, it may seem that I’ve actually gotten more free time for blogging, but I actually haven’t. I’ve been making time for it, and think that even more time could be made. 
So if I disappear on you, know this, I’ll be back sometime, maybe soon, maybe in a long time, but one thing is certain, you’ll be finding my thoughts all over the screen (on WordPress) if you ever choose to look. 

Curiousity didn’t kill the cat

Many ask where the curious went. Well there’s not much to wonder about a wall that doesn’t interact back. 

If you come across a curious mind, make sure you never forget that they are just applying the golden rule that many of us have forgotten. If you don’t reciprocate their curiosity, they’ll soon conclude that you don’t play by the rules, and no one wants to play the game with those who haven’t read the rule book. 
Going with the same theme, I’d like to touch on the subject of getting to know a person. It’s strange how we as humans can bs our way through so much meaningless conversation and not become appalled at the superficiality of it all. Simple questions such as “how was your day?” “How are you?” Are used loosely, simply to fill time. Why would you waste the energy if the words are so pointless you ask? Well I’m not quite sure… You’ll have to ask every single guy I’ve ever turned down that question. Many use these basic questions as ways to appear interested, when in fact it does absolutely nothing when it’s all you care to talk about…. 
If conversations go:
“Hey what’s up?” 
“Nm, just chilling, u?” 
“Ehh nm either, watching “(insert tv show)”” 
“Oh. How was ur day?” 
“It was alright, u?” 
“Same” 
“What did u do today?” 
“I—” 
It’s not a conversation… I could have this conversation with my cat in response to its meows, because it’s just that vague. Although funny enough, this is what some people consider conversation. I mean if there are actual interesting things added in through these questions, that’s great. But if it’s constant back and forth “good” “fine” responses, it gets boring, and that is why some people choose the simple route of just not texting you any longer. 
Back to the main point though… In all of this shallow conversation, it is apparent that there is no effort made to get to know the other person. It’s disappointing to admit, but a lot of people stop asking questions about the other person after just a few conversations. Personally, I lose interest the second I detect there is no genuine intent to get to know one another anymore. Maybe it’s because your mind gets hazy and all you can think about is the lust you have for the other person’s body. If that’s the case, I suggest you change the end goal from “bang her (or him)” to “value her (or him)”. The body is off limits if you don’t seduce the mind first… (That shall be the new golden rule #2). 
Now I’m not saying that those vapid questions can’t lend themselves to great answers and connecting, because they can. I was once talking to a friend of mine, and he asked “how are you? And I don’t mean some basic emotion. Tell me what’s going on with you, what you’re thinking about at this moment”. From then on, I had a new appreciation for the question whenever we’d ask one another, because it was mutually understood that we were looking for a raw and honest reply, not some sugar-coated, society-approved answer. So there can be depth found in even the shallowest of questions… 

Perfection

Body, mind, and spirit.

The other day it occurred to me that some look for all, then there are others who only acknowledge a body, but don’t admire the mind and spirit that lie within it. I recently talked about how the simplicity of the appreciation of the human form is a beautiful thing, and I still believe that, but I feel there is another aspect to it all that needs to be discussed. 
If you don’t have appreciation for the spirit and mind that lie within a beautiful body, I don’t think you are appreciating it the same way that one who appreciates all facets of the beautiful body is. 
There are those who are ravenous, and then those who know how to savor a delicious meal. You can put these two types of people at the same table, in the same setting, and serve the same food, but they won’t be experiencing the same thing. 
The savorer strategically ensures he has all of the flavors of the meal perfectly stacked onto his fork, so that he may enjoy the combination of flavors, and not mistakenly neglect the main complement of the dish. He looks at the food as an experience, allowing each succulent piece to resonate in his mouth, and dance on his tongue. He loved the aesthetic appeal of his meal and the unforgettable flavors that came along with it. He leaves, knowing that if he visits again, he will surely request the same meal. 
Then we have the ravenous man. He sees the plate of food and instantly knows it’s what he wants. He picks up his fork immediately and digs in. Instead of taking his sweet time to taste every individual bite, he decides the best approach is to eat it as fast as he can. He can’t control how delicious it is, and how badly he wants to continue to devour it. The man finishes the meal in record time, and requests seconds. The waiters tell him that that was the last one for the night, and the chef had gone home. The man, feeling unsatisfied and hungry, asks if the chef made anything else. They bring in a slice of cake, and the ravenous man grins, and proceeds with it in the same way he did the meal prior. 
These two people, given the same opportunity have drastically different experiences. The man who savored his meal truly appreciated it in all its complexity. The other man didn’t have such luck. He acknowledged that it was a very decadent meal, but didn’t pay it the same respect. 
I guess what it all boils down to is respect and understanding of that beautiful, perfect body. I’m not saying the ravenous man doesn’t have the capability to see its perfection, but he robs himself of true appreciation due to a lack of respect and understanding of it. Remember the old rule, “observe with your eyes and not your hands”? Let’s say you were instructed to apply that to the beautiful body in front of you. The sight of the body alone should elicit your true appreciation for it, not the sexual urges you may get when staring at the perfection. 
If you can look at the body in its most innocent, natural, and rawest state, you’ve seen enough to truly appreciate it. If you’ve only seen the act that it puts on for observers, you haven’t seen its truly beautiful form. 
I’m not going to discount the superficial lust that we all still can be entitled to, but I will say this. There is a difference between a temporary, fleeting appreciation and a continuous appreciation. If it was temporary and fleeting, then you truly didn’t see the perfection, and that’s a shame. 
Inside every beautiful, perfect body lies an even more remarkable spirit and mind to be appreciated. 

#3 “if I were a guy”: what personal space?

#3 “if I were a guy”: what personal space?
I don’t know for you guys, but one of my biggest inhibitors is no physical contact. When I can’t even playfully nudge someone, or they can’t touch me without them getting awkward about it, it shows me that it may not work out. When I can playfully nudge someone it makes me feel more at ease and comfortable with the guy I’m talking to. If you never gradually break the touch barrier, you may forever remain in a personal space distance from each other.
Things guys have done right:
Initiated hugs after the first interaction (instantly setting up hugging goodbye as a norm between the two of us).
Held my hand.
Put their arm around me.

Things I would do if I was a guy with no clue how to subtly break that touch barrier:
• Sometimes a formal handshake as you first meet each other and introduce yourselves could be the first step. I would initiate the hand shake as the guy, but grasp their hand in a firm but gentle way you could imagine in some kind of old fashion princess movie. (Like the princess diaries). Maybe even a kiss on the hand if your that quirky and bold.
• Throughout the conversation if they say something, maybe play pretend that your offended or that that was mean of them to say (possibly just shocking) and use this as an excuse to tap/ gently slap their arm or playfully nudge them.
• If they have any soft clothes on, feel the material and comment on it.
• If they have a beautiful or cool piece of jewelry touch it and comment on it. (If they are wearing earrings, don’t touch studs though, focus on only touching dangly earrings. Unless the studs have a unique texture to them).
• If their hair looks really soft that day, say exactly that, and run one hand through a bit of it.
• hug goodbye after the first time of meetings, maybe a few times after if you’re too nervous.
• if there is a large crowd, use this as an excuse to help guide her through the crowd while also sticking together, by putting your hand on her lower back.

#2 “if I were a guy”: look at me dammit

#2 “if I were a guy”: look at me dammit.
I continued to talk to the same “cutie with the eyes,” and sadly found more points on how I would woo me better.
I know a lot of us are shy as hell around people we find intimidating, attractive, or someone we like, but there is a certain point where you should at the very least try to have a few lingering stares amidst the conversation.
So “cutie with the eyes” and I were talking. He appeared either nervous or just clueless, and we were having a conversation while sitting beside each other, but we never made eye contact.
So here is what I would have done as the guy nervous as hell to maintain eye contact:
• face your fears. Attempt to make eye contact at the very least.
• stare into the person’s eyes for a few seconds at a time to get acclimated to it.
• get up the guts to just admit that you need a little help because you can’t seem to maintain eye contact even when you want to because you’re so nervous.
• challenge the person to a staring contest. You must stare into their eyes to know when they blink.

Hopefully a guy who can’t seem to maintain eye contact can benefit from these tips. The staring contest would be a sure fire way to create a more relaxed playful competitive vibe.
Not maintaining eye contact could be one of the reasons she doesn’t go on a date with you, or doesn’t even choose to remain friends.

“If I were a guy”: talking etiquette 101

Prelude to the beginning of a series of blogs: “If I were a guy.”

So many times I have uttered the words “if I were a guy,” and then I continued on explaining out loud how a guy could totally woo me given the same scenarios they have found themselves in with me, and explain that if I were a guy I would’ve been able to snag someone (or at least someone like me) perfectly in that precise situation.
I give all these in depth tips, but I never write them down or do anything to preserve the ideas once they’re out of my mind.
I’m going to start shifting the main focus on my blog to the blog series “If I were a guy.” I will have a regular blog posting every so often, and this time it will actually have some type of theme and direction. I hope you all find it entertaining, helpful, or at the very least enjoyable.
Random thought: I just realized that I hardly use the word enjoyable, enjoy, and other forms of that word… I should really use it more often as an alternative to like.

#1 “if I were a guy”: talking etiquette 101.
Let’s begin at the very first spark of inspiration I had for this series. At the beginning of the semester I met “the cutie with the eyes.”
Here’s what he did right:
• He was mysterious.
• He wasn’t overtly thirsty (for those of you who don’t know what thirsty means, it basically means desperate, or ready to fool around with any willing body).
• He just kept to himself and stayed focused on studying.
• He had a calm presence.

Now the first interaction was good because he left himself as an intriguing mystery to me.

Then we began talking through text between when we’d see each other… And that’s where people can make their biggest mistakes and lose the person they’re after.
The question game (or 21 questions, or whatever you may call it) is a great game, don’t get me wrong, but it needs to be used sparingly.

What I would have done in the situation, if I were a guy:
• I would have started it of with possibly a explanation of how I found the certain person interesting and wanted to get to know them better, and maybe throw in even a non sexual compliment (e. g. you have such beautiful eyes. It may be a little bit of a come on, but it’s far more different than calling the new friend of yours beautiful or pretty, running the risk that they don’t find you as attractive as you find them), or some kind of unique compliment they may have never heard before
• I would have asked to play the question game, but I would make sure I never said the horrible line “you can go first.” I feel that in a situation like this, if you begin to pursue a girl, don’t throw all the work on her to get it rolling and expect it to actually prosper. She may not even be sure about you. So take the initiative and lead.
• Once the question game got rolling I would focus in on the things I gathered from what I asked, and I would try and talk about those things so that we can talk on a more personal level rather than an interview style where there are mainly questions and less discussion.
• I would leave keeping them feel intrigued, not at a low point where they leave the conversation desperate to get away because they’re so bored.

And that my dear readers, is what I would do “if I were a guy”.