Pause 

I’m debating on whether or not to stop blogging for a while. At the moment my basic needs are unfulfilled, so I don’t have the same focus I did a while ago. I need to get back into my routine–working out, doing what I love, making time for myself and my non-blog writing (I write random stories sometimes…), and getting the oxytocin fix that I need. Lately I haven’t been fulfilling these basic needs simply because I can’t. I’ve found that it’s nearly impossible to maintain a balance of all that you need when someone else is controlling the show. If there is one thing I’ve learned throughout my experience in France, it is this: being an exchange student tests your ability to adapt. There is no time for yourself, no time for uninterrupted self development (like reading, writing, etc.), unpredictable diet (the change also can alter your moods/ energy), minimal amount of time to get ready for the day (taking a shower, blow drying hair, etc.), never alone, required to be ready to leave the flat (apartment) in an instant once there is a new sight to be seen, constant switching of environment (because you’re visiting every area, which brings about staying at the family’s relative’s houses), a requirement to be constantly happy and social during all waking hours, and you must turn the other cheek when they begin to talk about how superior their country is to yours or another. Now I’m not saying that all of the french are like that, but the people I’ve encountered have all possessed the same haughty attitude. They like to compare countries as a typical pastime. Basically any comparison that is brought up must end in their country turning out on top, and if not, you won’t hear the end of it until someone finally declares that even with any illogic, they still “win” in the comparison. 

     Now I’m not saying that living this way, with these social habits is wrong, it’s just not my style. I prefer to remain unbiased when discussing things, rather than insult another country simply because my ego couldn’t handle losing something. I also don’t talk or debate for the aspect of wining–I think that’s truly a dead end–I like debating and conversing to spread knowledge, share ideas, and to broaden horizons. I’ve found that’s simply not the case here… Apparently every other country in the world must suck in comparison, or else we must be living in some parallel universe where i don’t know… We’re all viewed as different cultures doing things their own way? Imperfect representations of the imperfection in us all? No country is perfect, no country ever will be. Sure you may have your preference as to which you think is better simply because it aligns with your beliefs and views, but everyone else out there has the same disposition as you to believe that the country they favor is the best. 

Now maybe I’m simply frustrated, and my words are skewed in favor of my own beliefs/ preferences, so I’ll put that part of this post to rest for now.

     Back to what I meant to tell you all though: I may or may not discontinue writing (for my blog) until the end of this trip (which is only 6 days). 

I most likely will try to write, but if I can’t manage to, it’s because I need to wait for inspiration to strike again. 

    Onto another topic real quick, before I end: 

The other day I sat in a closet. Now you may think I’m crazy or at the very least, kinda odd, but let me explain. There wasn’t really anywhere else to be alone, but inside the closet. Honestly, I’m tempted to go back in there today (it’s a great spot to listen to music in my headphones without interruption). I loved it in there, cause it reminded me of when I was a kid. I used to do all kinds of random weird stuff when I was younger, simply because it made me happy. I’d find tiny little spots and I’d sit in them, I’d build forts, etc. I’d find a chair, sit on it backwards, and lay upside down with my legs against the back board. I was absolutely ridiculous, and loving life for the simple odd things it had to offer. 

Thinking back to how I was when I was younger got me thinking about how I want to make sure I don’t lose that part of myself. Sure those things are weird to do as you get older and older, but they’re fun. I’m sure those odd habits are part of the reason why kids seem so happy compared to us. They don’t think about what others will think of them, or if it is weird or not to lay upside down if they feel like it. They don’t bother to change themselves in order to conform to strict social norms. 

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BBQ sauce 

I’ve decided to switch things up a bit, so in this post, and possibly in some future posts, you will be reading some posts about the people I know.
I’m not sure if you still check my blog, but if you do, this one’s to you. Perhaps if you don’t read it before I get back from France, I’ll show it to you sometime before we part ways when we go to our separate schools this fall. 

I’d like to begin by saying that I treasure our friendship and couldn’t have pictured a better person to be my best friend. Ever since the day we met, I’ve always noticed that you’re truly genuine and completely real with me. You probably know more about me than you ever needed to know from our random night time confessions, but in a way, I’m glad you know how weird I am. We’re always ourselves around each other, and nothing else, and I love that. If someone would have asked me if I thought I was ever going to have a best friend like the ones portrayed in the movies, I would have said most likely not. I never thought this kind of friendship existed until we bonded over the weirdest things and stuck by each other’s side despite having such vastly different interests. In a way we’re kind of polar opposites that way, but I think we complement each other well. Just a few weeks ago before I left, when I spent a few days with you, it reminded me why I love having you as my best friend. Despite being around each other for hours and hours straight, I still didn’t want to leave. You’re the best friend a gemini could ever have. I love it when you ask random questions out of the blue. Your crazy spontaneity. Your adventurous side, but also your hilariously contradictory scaredy-cat side when it comes to spiders and strong thunder storms. These quirks make you exactly who you are, and that’s what I love about them. They’re random and silly, which is just the way I like it :). I remember when we started off as total strangers who decided to share a cabin at a camp out. There was no awkwardness at all because we were so excited as to what we would do that night: read the scary stories written on the walls, peer out the windows into the pitch black night when we’d hear noises outside, and play board games. Since then I’ve noticed that our ridiculous, nonsensical fear has carried over into the times when you’ve convinced me to try out new scary video games with you. It appears that there is a pattern of ours to try ridiculous things with one another, such as the crazy dares we’ve made. I don’t know who else would be able to convince me to get into an outdoor pool in the middle of winter…

I know we’re going to be away from each other for a long while soon, but I know this friendship is forever. Maybe one day we’ll end up in the same city again, where we can rekindle the friendship that we will always share. While we’re apart I plan to send at least 1 picture every day like we promised so we can keep up with one another. I know it will be hard to not have that familiar presence of one another, but I’m positive that this will only make our friendship stronger. I can’t wait to see you during the breaks when we’ll recount all that happened while we were apart.  

Random ranting 

I recently mentioned to you all that I’ve been writing a lot of things but posting very little, but after reviewing what I wrote, I’ve decided to post a few of them. 

So here’s my inner monologue from a week or so ago. At the moment, the tone of my thoughts is vastly different from the ones I wrote about below. This is a perfect example of just how varried my inner monologue can be day to day, and week to week. 

Typically normal instinct should lead me to talking to real people about my emotions, instead of trying with all my will to be simply be alone. But since I’ve been gone from writing for about two weeks I have been yearning to get back to it. To pour all of my thoughts and feelings into words and set them free. Over the past week I’ve found that I’m more introverted than I thought. I don’t enjoy constantly interacting with others from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. I have found I’m very drained. I haven’t let my true emotions show one bit. If I’m feeling even a little bit upset while we’re in the car, while we’re at the dinner table, I hide it with a smile. 

       For those of you who don’t know, I am staying in France for a while with the family of an exchange student my family hosted the past few summers. I am very appreciative of the opportunity and the things I am able to see and experience, but my mind is elsewhere at the moment. So instead of writing about France, I’ll be writing about my thoughts that I can’t voice aloud. It’s not that I don’t think they would allow me the time to rest or be alone, but I doubt they’d understand what on earth could be troubling me right now since nothing appears to be wrong. 

      I will touch on one thing about France. They are a little more structured and formal than what I’m used to. There are typically three long meals in a day, and throughout these meals and at the end of the meal, you typically stay until everyone is ready to leave the table (you could have been done eating two hours ago, and still not be done at the table). Now typically I would try to be as social as I can, but when I can’t honestly voice what I’m thinking, it’s quite draining.

There is one thing I am loving about France though. In the south you can be walking down the streets and see cats quite often. Some are cute and allow you to pet them, others are unsure, and then there are the ones that I probably wouldn’t risk approaching given their demeanor. Anyway, the reason I bring up cats is because no matter where I am, or what situation I’ve been put in, if I see an animal, it can always bring a smile to my face. These furry creatures we’ve all domesticated and taken into our homes are living with us in society for a reason. Animals don’t expect a hello or a goodbye, a drawn out conversation, a hand shake, a kiss on each cheek, or a hug. They simply wish you approach them with a calm demeanor if you are to approach them. They don’t need you to explain anything, their calming presence they lend to us is as causal to them as the furr on their back. Most of us know why animals need us, but some overlook the fact that we need them too. Sometimes we find ourselves locked in our room with thoughts flooding through our minds and we don’t want anyone to see us this way. We are shutting down. Socializing with a smile on your face is no longer possible. If anyone were to come in right now fear would course throughout your body; what would they think of you unfiltered, how would you explain this, what explanation would they expect from you, would you be forced to tell them the truth? Does the particular individual even deserve the truth? Would they even bother to console you, or cause you to doubt everything even more? The next thing you know, you see the door begin to open at an eerily slow rate, your heart begins to pound, the door is opening slowly but surely…… Then there’s a halt, it doesn’t open any more than a crack. Next thing you know a soft, fluffy form jumps onto your bed beside you. It’s your pet. The one that doesn’t ask the hard questions. The one that’s there for you no matter what it is. Your pet doesn’t know what’s going on, but it can recognize the turmoil that is going on inside your mind. 

Let me just stop this train of thought to let you know that it hasn’t even been but 10 minutes since I’ve sat down to write, and I’ve already been interrupted. And throughout that time I was sitting in the same room as the person who keeps interrupting this alone time…Just to give you a bit of perspective on the amount of alone time I have.

So after a half hour break I am now back to writing— I was interrupted again after I had just written about getting interrupted…

I’m not exactly sure where I was going with this, cause at the point of the interruptions I was taken away from my writing for too long to get back into the same mindset in order to finish the train of thought. The reason I wasn’t going to post this was because I  felt it was unstructured and random. Today when looking it over once more, I realized I might as well share every bit of my journey in France, whether it be described well or poorly.  

Argument 

Yet again I will attempt to write. To those of you who read my blog regularly it may appear as though I’ve dropped writing for a while without reason. Trust me, I’ve tried to write, but none of it is what I want to keep. I know a while ago I told you all that I write how I feel as though this blog were my own personal journal, but even I don’t know what I’m feeling at the moment. I’ve drafted so many posts trying to explain what I’ve been thinking about these days, but they’re unstructured, so I toss them away with the rest of my drafts. I know I’ve also told you that I don’t always go for structure either, but the drafts I’ve written don’t serve my thoughts justice. By the amount I’ve posted lately it may seem as though not many things are running through my mind. It’s the complete opposite. For a while I’ve not had any time to feel/write/express any thoughts I’ve been having. Currently my mind Is racing with a million thoughts and ideas. Although, right now I’m looking at 20 more days of being surrounded by those who don’t understand/ comprehend who I truly am. I know if I were to voice my thoughts aloud with these people it would serve to further frustrate me, rather than help me sort through them. I know the term like-minded doesn’t seem to mean a lot all that often, but to me, it’s a precious thing. Being around like-minded individuals allows me to be myself, rather than someone who remains silent to avoid the byproduct of conflicting view points. I usually love debating, but that’s with people who know how to debate without treating it as though the winner is the smartest, and the loser obviously must be the dumbest person to walk the planet….it proves to show just how intelligent you are if you truly think one minuscule debate serves to prove anything at all as far as the intelligence of both parties. In one of the classes I took last semester, we learned some valuable things about argument. Sure in theory they were just formalities you must maintain in order to be liked, but it lead to a level headed argument. What appears to be a basic concept is one that hardly anyone follows: show validity in the opposing side’s argument, and don’t slander the opposition as a means to prove you’re correct.It was as though our class was a living, breathing social experiment in the works that night. My professor put four animals up on a slide show and asked all of us to pick which animal we felt embodied our spirit/personality the best. We had the choice between a lion, a chameleon, an eagle, and a turtle. Soon we all were paired into a group with people who chose the same animal. The professor then asked us to form an argument as to why our animal’s attributes/ characteristics were the best. By this time everyone was now solidifying the connection they felt between their personal traits and the animal’s. So in a way they identified with the animal. Then commence every group stating their argument. Each group stated why theirs was the best, but then also went on to point out the flaws in the other animals as a means to build theirs up. Even without the aspect that these people were now identifying with the animals, they were put on the defensive now, because their side was being attacked. Then add in that everyone identified with the animal they chose, and the arguments continued to escalate with more jabs at the other group’s animals. 

At the end of the night I was beyond frustrated at even being a part of this entire exercise. It was a testament to the lack of intuition many people have when it comes to being perceptive to their audience. 

Once the exercise was finished, our teachers asked us to make comments as to what we thought of the arguments and the exercise overall. I’m not typically one to speak in class because I simply don’t enjoy doing it, but this was a special case. I was frustrated with the entire thing. I explained how I felt we could have all strengthened our arguments by removing the slandering of the opposition, and perhaps also shedding light to the positive traits the other animals possessed. 

In the end, the professor let us all know that that’s how we should compose our arguments–not by breaking down our opponent, but by showing how both sides have merit, but perhaps our side possess a few more attributes that make it better. 

It is now that I realize that you could be the smartest person in the world, who even knows this argument technique, and still misses the point. These things we learn aren’t for nothing, and they surely aren’t meant to be confined to purely school related matters (such as papers and speeches). Yet many forget that that old trick you learned to use while writing argumentative papers could also serve you very well in real, face-to-face arguments and debates. 

Throughout writing this I’ve come to realize that someone can debate and pretend to be the most intelligent person in the room, but they’d be missing the point of everything. It’s not about who can remember/regurgitate the most facts (that sometimes don’t even apply to the argument) to back up their point. In the end no one will truly care who won the debate. We don’t naturally lean towards loving/befriending/confiding in/supporting those who continually strive to make us out to be inferior to them. So next time you debate, do it for the fun, for the expansion of horizons, and the mental challenge it brings. Don’t engage in debate simply to put others down to feed your ego. 

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?

My own personal honesty outlet

Many of you have possibly noticed that I talk a lot about my feelings and emotions in my posts, sometimes to ridiculous extents. It is because I view my blog as something to be even realer and rawer than a personal journal. When I write about my negative, positive, or ambivalent thoughts, I’m sharing them to release them and feel them, not to deny them. When I mention people who I’ve come into contact with, that may have rubbed me the wrong way, blogging about it is an instinct, second to telling them how I felt. Now many of you may instantly assume it is because I wish to slander them, but it honestly is nothing close to that. When you share things in a public setting like a blog, you allow others to comment and correct you if you are wrong. Putting my thoughts out there is my way of asking the world to give me their feedback. If I write about an instance in which someone did something to offend me, I could be totally overreacting, I could be missing a perspective that would give me proper insight into their actions towards me. I don’t paint myself, nor those who I write about in a false light, I show us for exactly who we are. I don’t embellish, and in fact, I try to decipher what could have led to their actions towards me, or others around me. With that being said, I also write about the experiences that sting to think about, because although they’re not pleasant, they are a part of me. All of my thoughts and experiences are here for me to judge as well, but also to accept them, rather than regret them.

Now although I write these things with the expectation that there could be negative and positive feedback for consideration, I would also like to let you all know this: I will take every comment on my actions/ thoughts into consideration, but that won’t always lead to me changing who I am at the core. Though I tend to prefer seeing things from all sides, there are certain things that though I can imagine the reasoning of the opposing perspective, I choose to take the other side. Now I take this approach knowing very well that everyone around me may choose to do the same when taking sides on an issue, and we may not always agree. Like I said in my post “Pick and choose I will,” I don’t think anyone has the perfect formula of perspectives, morals, and rules for life. I don’t think it’s possible to narrow it down to a specific set of beliefs, because we are all such unique individuals. So I expect dissonance with others, when it comes to thoughts and beliefs about certain things.

I’ll give you a little insight into why I’m opposed to specific things. My opposition is spurred when the other side possesses any of these core qualities: inequality, dishonesty, deceit, spite, hate, insecurity, greed, fear, control, ignorance, disrespect, promiscuity, superficiality, narcissism, etc.

Though, when I don’t agree with someone on something they believe/ do that goes against these things, I don’t judge or attempt to tell them to discontinue living with those beliefs, I just tell them my perspective on it, and whether or not they choose to change their ways, or enlighten me as to how it doesn’t possess those qualities I mentioned above, is up to them. Don’t get me wrong on one thing: I will consider shifting my view on something if convinced thoroughly, but typically I’ve already considered the arguments given on each issue I have taken one side on. I can be friends with people who have opposing beliefs, but I can’t always be as close to them as they may wish. I used to know a Scorpio as you all know. Let me tell you a few things about this Scorpio. He smoked weed daily for about two years (before I knew him. He smoked infrequently by the time I knew him, but it was apparent that he had smoked heavily in the past), dabbled with other drugs, cussed, skateboarded, liked physics, had a crush on me (at one point he told me he loved me. I’ll be elaborating on that later in this post), didn’t really respect authority, and was a very deep thinking individual.

To anyone who knows me very well, it was both perplexing, yet understandable as to why he and I, despite our intrinsic differences, connected and understood one another as much as we did. We were both very honest with one another from the start, about anything to do with our past, or what we were going through at the time (good or bad). It was the deepest friendship I’ve ever had with anyone, boyfriends included. Now many of you may ask “why didn’t it ever progress into something romantic, if you two connected as much as you say?” Well that’s the reason I’ve included this elaboration of that friendship in this particular post. This is to show you how I got extremely close to someone who I didn’t share some core beliefs with.

Though I appear to promote a bit of rebellion in my posts, I don’t display that rebellion through my actions in the way you’d expect. I’ve never experimented with drugs in the slightest, I’ve had alcohol once in my life (whiskey in some coffee in Ireland), I don’t smoke, and I’ve never done anything illegal.

My reasons for not smoking, drinking, or doing drugs is mainly based on the fact that they are illegal, but also beyond that one element. None of these things improve your body, for the most part, they only degrade it (ok, maybe medical marijuana can help people, and perhaps a glass of red wine a day is good for your health). These things also lend themselves to becoming addictions. Yes, I know that people can become addicted to unhealthy foods, and caffeine just the same, but people have chosen to cut even these legal addictions out of their lives.

It’s not simply the laws that cause me to be opposed to drugs, smoking, and drinking. It’s the dependency, and disregard that can come along with it. Many people can look at an overweight person and recognize that their reliance on food to make them feel better is unhealthy, but it’s not always as easy for the smoker, stoner, or alcoholic to use the same logic when viewing their addiction. They claim it relieves stress (which I don’t doubt), and that they have control over their need for it. The difference between food and caffeine versus the other addictions, is that they don’t affect those around you. When you smoke around others, you expose them to secondhand smoke. When you’re stoned, you expose them to an altered version of you. When you’re wasted, you expose others to an uninhibited, unpredictable you.

When I’m with someone, I want to be with them, not a drugged up, boozed up version of them. This Scorpio friend of mine didn’t ever seem to be high around me, but the thing that unnerved me was that I didn’t have any way to tell since the way his eyes were held, the way he spoke, and his body language, were all slightly altered from his stoner days, so it was impossible to tell. Let alone the fact that I have never been high myself, nor have I been around many high people since it truly isn’t my scene, so I didn’t know the signs of someone being high very well.

The true issue was that even though he and I understood each other very well, he didn’t see those differences in beliefs as a problem, when I did. I can see how he didn’t have a problem with it though, because he didn’t care if I was a stoner type, and he actually seemed to be attracted to me even though in retrospect, I embodied the polar opposite of his lifestyle.

Like I said in my last post about him though, he found a girl that is like him, which to me seems like the far better option. Yes it may suck that things don’t work out romantically with some people because we have different value sets, but I think in a way it protects the connection from being tainted by the results of a failed relationship that could have been prevented. In his last text/ letter to me, he said he still loved me. Now many of you may not understand how someone could love a person they have never been romantically involved with in a romantic way, but in this situation, even though things never progressed farther than friendship, I can see how it is possible since we shared an intimacy that was deeper than some people who date one another.

If you do drugs, smoke, drink, sleep around, or have a belief that possess the qualities I mentioned above, you most likely won’t have my heart or my body, but you will have my friendship. I may even write about you on my blog (don’t worry, I’ll be nice). I will always have a spot in my heart for the ones I connected with, but didn’t share a romantic relationship with, but they’ll always remain at a loving arms length.

Tired thoughts 

I’m very exhausted at the moment, but I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep anytime soon, due to my current thoughts. These thoughts go a little like this.Why do I have to crush on guys…. Why can’t I just turn that part of my mind off, and just allow them to crush on me, it would be so much simpler. There wouldn’t be the disappointment you feel when they don’t give you signals, or don’t seem to give any reciprocation of interest in getting to know you. I wouldn’t have to think about staying purely platonic around all guys, but the one I like. But alas, it’s not possible to shut these crush feelings off… They suck, but both genders are burdened with them. Although I’m beginning to question whether the crush feelings manifest the same way when it comes to each gender. 

Do guys ever feel disappointed when their crush doesn’t text back? Or they’re not seeming to give any apparent signals? 

Though I believe getting rid of a feeling as common as crushing is nearly impossible, I’m going to attempt to. I’m over it… It’s not fun. I’m not going to necessarily get rid of my crush, I’m just not going to actively put myself out there to be let down. I’ll still add to conversation, be witty, be friendly, be flirty, and all of that fun stuff, but I’m not going to put any expectations on any interaction with the person I like. 

I’m going to keep doing what I do, and living life, and if along the way, that attracts them, great. If not, I’m not going to fret about it. I have my entire life to meet sexy guys that I vibe with, this just happens to be a part of my life where I’m kind of hung up on the thought of one in particular. 

If it doesn’t lead to anything it won’t matter, he just won’t know what he missed. Yes it’s a cocky thing to say… But I honestly believe I make a pretty good girlfriend (That title for lack of a better word). I enjoy pleasing my partner, as much as I enjoy it when it’s reciprocated. I have a genuine interest in getting to know what comprises each person I get involved with. Who is this amazing individual—in mind, body, and spirit. I try my best to make them feel cherished and special, because they are special to me. These are simply the basics that come to mind at the moment, but my mind is too fogged to remember the rest. 

Right now as I’m writing this, all I can focus on is an ideal. Particular names aren’t standing out to me, because I have yet to meet another person that fits my “ideal.” I’m laying on my bed and all I wish is that I had a sexy guy to come nuzzle into me, and take me away from my writing for some passionate kissing instead. As the kissing intensifies, maybe even trailing kisses down my neck, possibly stopping along the way to leave a mark to remind me “where I belong” (song reference). 

Earlier today I reminisced of past infatuations and relationships. I thought about the reasons why I was drawn to these guys in the first place. I’m not sure if all of you have guessed yet, but lately I’ve found myself hit on by guys, but not interested, and then on the other hand I’ve found myself having an unrequited crush. When I got involved with all of my past boyfriends, the interest was always mutual instantly…

However, it did take them initiating things for me to notice them, but once I noticed them, I felt the same connection.

There is one particular thing that may or may not be related to this whole blog post, that I’d like to talk about. There is nothing sexier to me than when a guy senses my interest, and then actively shows interest (I reciprocate of course). This direct approach is a huge turn on, and it gives me the sense that this guy knows exactly what he wants, and he’s not going to sit around waiting for an in. Instead, he’s going to go for what he wants, at the first opportunity he gets. 

Now many of you may all be thinking “yeah… that approach is basically screaming ‘he wants to have sex with you'”. That is slightly true, but I don’t think you ever meet someone who’s interested in you, that hasn’t at least thought of that possibility. I’ve met guys who were super passive in their approach, with the same amount of lust as the ones who were super direct. I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer the direct guy over the passive guy any day. When you’re direct, you appear more confident and interested, than if you were to take a passive approach to the situation.