I finally found the word to describe how you move. It’s menacing. As you saunter toward a determined destination, your weight shifts back and forth between legs, your shoulders swaying. It looks like you’re drunk, but also appears to be your natural stage. Maybe life’s gotten you drunk. Not the good kind of drunk, but rather, the kind that leaves you feeling sick in the morning. You’ve had too much. This is the state of drunkenness where you begin to be painfully reminded by your mind as to the things going on around you. There’s a point where all of those memories are drowned out, this is the point where it’s all laid in front of you. You think about those who don’t speak to you anymore because you fucked up badly. You think about those who left you cause they didn’t have any use for you any longer. You think to those you want who will never want you. You think about your ever present loneliness. You’ve found yourself walking up and down these streets, back and forth, seeing the same scenery, waiting for someone to request your presence. Waiting for someone to want your presence. Though that never comes. You continue to pace back and forth on that same stretch of land in the cold, with your headphones in, trying to drown out reality. Maybe loneliness will always be your reality, you think to yourself. You try to think on the bright side, but your optimism is unfounded. That would require you not screwing up. Oh but how much you love to screw up. Make others feel like shit and then find yourself confused when they leave you alone. It will take a large shift in perspective and approach to win them back. It will take true repentance, not just the kind you utter when you’re trying to ‘apologize’. So many times these days, all of us apologize when we’re not truly sorry. The fault with that is that we’ve messed up on truly understanding where we went wrong if we can’t seem to find the reason as to why we should feel guilty. So then we continue to act in that same unsatisfactory manner, continuously wearing away at our ties between one another. You are met with frustration time after time, yet you still don’t get it. It’s not apologizing for it this time, or the next, or the time after that, it’s finally understanding what you’ve done.