Fear

I’m sacred that I’ll convince myself once more that I am wholeheartedly over you. I’m afraid I’ll fall into that abyss of denial and will never find my way back to you. I’m quick to guard my heart, which means if you tell me I’m single, I’ll prove it to you. I’ll share the most meaningless exchanges and inject as much meaning as I can for the other person. I’ll gain their affections, hoping their piqued interest will someway invigorate my attraction to them. Currently I’m playing this little game, I already have my first play in motion, and I’m afraid it is working all too easily. You see I’ve never really had trouble in this game, I just chose to never play it, cause it didn’t suit my style. Instead I played the waiting game. I’d observe the players that walked by, and if any looked particularly unique, then I’d prepare to play. They’d take note, and the games would begin. The only reason I ever participated is because when I waited, I had the opportunity to play an entirely different game altogether. I found that when you play with the best, you always have the most fun. I miss playing with the professionals, the rookies aren’t just cutting it. They don’t know how to make my heart skip a beat, or give me those nervous butterflies. Though maybe it is due to the fact that my heart’s just not in the game anymore. My body is, but even it wants to retract and discontinue what I’ve started. I have many options, but you’re the only one I love. 

The Gun 

My finger was seconds away from pulling the trigger. Standing in front of me was a figure I’ve come to know all too well. I felt inclined to end the existence of that form that stood before my eyes, but I hesitated. If I shot, the battle would cease and there would be no more uncertainty anymore. No more unanswered questions. No more undiscovered mysteries. The suffering would end, but so would the possibility of a happy ever after. It’s quite confusing as to how all those scenarios could be wrapped into one, but it’s a unique case I guess you could say. That figure embodies hope, but it also embodies despair. So when I waiver or consider ending it all, take a moment to envision yourself in my shoes. Know that this is torture. It’s prolonged heartbreak that seems to be never ending no matter what path I choose. Each path I see involves a new weapon, one that is far less lethal, but still inflicts harm, despite my efforts to maintain peace. I’ve come to the realization that no matter what, a wound, no matter how small, will come about from my actions. So I’m choosing a new weapon, not to purposely harm the figure, but to allow myself a release in order to feel again. I’ve set the gun down for now, because I’m not prepared to attend that funeral just yet. 

Now she’s his

There you stand in your life, having a great time. You’ve got the girl, yet you still have those who meant something to you before, still answering your messages. Soon everything will change. Not abruptly, but gradually. You know that one who “means something to you,” so you insist on remaining friends. Well now it takes a little longer for her to get back to you. You notice she doesn’t compliment you the way she did before. It appears as though in her mind, all of that history between you two has vanished. The next thing you know, you start hearing of her new guy. No, not that friend of yours. Although why did the idea of the two of them together bother you so much when you had already moved onto someone else? This guy of hers shows her the love she’s been holding out for for all of these months she’s been heartbroken by you. He holds her tight and doesn’t let go. In every hug and every kiss, he lets her know she’s all his. He cherishes being with her, and let’s her know that he’s not going anywhere. He’s everything she’s wanted in a guy, and more. The next thing you know, you begin to allow your mind to snap into reality of what goes on behind the scenes. Those lips you used to kiss are know being passionately kissed by another man. That beautiful cascading hair is now grasped by someone else’s hands. Those eyes that used to stare into yours are now looking into someone else’s lustful gaze. That body you used to explore with your hands isn’t in your possession anymore. Her heart, her soul, her mind, and every part of her is now his. You got what you wanted: her friendship, even when it was killing her inside. Well an unfortunate byproduct was that you also lost her. She’ll remain your friend forever, but now it’s your turn to face the reality that her soul has found company in someone else’s sheets. The secret side of her personality that you got to see is now being displayed to her new guy. Although you may not notice, he’s like you in a million ways, all but one quality that is: he’s never letting her go. Soon these images will become more vivid as time passes. It won’t simply be a little kiss forever. Soon you’ll face the reality that this guy doesn’t just kiss those lips, he ravishes every inch of her body, in some ways you never got the chance to.

When you finally begin to realize you’re feeling the terrible feelings that she felt before, know this: that love you see between the two of them isn’t like what you two shared. She’ll put on a happy face, but chances are, her heart still yearns to be with you. 

So when it inevitably happens, remember not to give up, cause I’m sure it would be tempting. You’ll think to yourself “she’s happy, she doesn’t treat me or talk to me the same way she did before, she’s moved on. There’s no point. She’s happy with him.” 

Tell her you miss her. Finally share your thoughts. That’s all it will take to knock her back into reality. You don’t do it often–which is why she’ll pay attention. 

Scratches 

You hurt her. She thought you’d at least warn her of the wound you were about to create. The pain that it would cause. The reason you did it. There was no explanation; Maybe it’s because she didn’t give you one when you needed it. Though now it has all unfolded. Scars have been made, and the wounds are taking their sweet time to finish healing. Just when she thinks they’ve finished, something ends up scratching them once more. You posses the antidote, but you don’t give it, and she doesn’t know why. Why don’t you give it to her? Maybe you have a secret that explains it all. You two promised no secrets though, right? Though does the rule count if the subject of the secret never arises? Aside from that, she has a secret of her own. She has the ability to inflict an even deeper wound on you. It would singe forever. Yet she knows that since it would be so painful, perhaps even more than equal to the pain you’ve caused her, she can’t bring herself to do it. An eye for an eye doesn’t apply here, she knows that. So she’s cautious with her desires, and refrains from making any counterattack. Even as her wounds continue attempting to heal, she doesn’t dare make you feel the same. All she wants is for the attacks to end, for the wounds to heal, for a declaration of peace, but it appears as though it will never come. So until then, she continues to heal. She looks for someone to provide an antidote. Perhaps it’s not the exact antidote she needs, but it will have to suffice. 

Switching filters

Just today I was scrolling through instagram’s main page, and I continued to see pictures of my favorite musician and his new girlfriend. The first time I saw a picture of them I was instantly happy for him; he finally was with a girl who he couldn’t stop smiling around. There has been lots of talk by the fans about how sad they are to see him with a girl (because they’re kinda obsessed with him…), how these photos were all supposedly stolen and then leaked, and how this new girl can’t possibly compare to the girl he was singing about in all of his previous songs. None of that really matters though. For someone who can resonate with the somber tone portrayed in a lot of his earlier work, it makes me happy to see that even when you’ve appeared to sink so low, there’s the possibility that there’s someone out there that could possibly change that–maybe not forever, and perhaps not the same way you’ve felt before–but at least enough to get by for just a while. Enough to change up your tone and give you the perspective you need to be yourself once again. I know we don’t necessarily lose ourselves when we’re depressed and introspective, but we lose that light in our eyes. Everything singes your soul so much that you’re numb, yet feelings still flood onto a page and appear as though you feel every inch of them. It’s not that you don’t feel them, it’s that you feel them so intensely, it’s hard to sense the change. Through this, the line between happiness and sadness seem to blur. You can feel glee one moment, and in the next, you’re unable to recall what it’s like to be happy. Then one day, something, or someone snaps you back to reality. For my favorite musician, it’s his new muse. For the mean time it appears as though his old ghost (old heartbreak/ ex) no longer haunts him. He’s been set free. He found a girl who seems to help him forget his past heartbreak. It’s quite fitting that he will be releasing a more upbeat album soon, because it is exactly the kind of music I’ll be looking for. In the next few months I’m going to experience some change. In about one month precisely, I’ll be settled and ready to make some changes in my love life.

Currently I’m still single, like you all probably know. I’ve had feelings for guys, but nothing has happened yet. Here in France, I have less than two weeks, so I surely won’t be starting anything with a french guy. Once I get home I have two more weeks before I head off to college. Who knows if anything will happen. If it does, it will most likely be a no-strings-attached goodbye fling of making out and cuddling. Who knows. All I know is that I’m ready for a new tempo. My last posts have been hinting towards a sense of not letting go. Well now is the time that I must. I’ve gone on too long with my unpredictable emotions affecting my choices (when it comes to dating) and my writing. From now on, I intend to simply focus on treating everyone with love and kindness and see where it goes. I’m going to purge anger, resentment, sadness, and any other negative emotions from my system.

Now I won’t make any promises that this blog will be purely all about thoughts of positivity and happiness, cause we all do still have our down days, but I’m going to make an effort to look at life through a new filter.  

 

Some words

Sometimes life happens and you feel yourself get swept away in the tide of everyday activities and interactions. You see the crash and fall of the waves, but sometimes you don’t feel them like you naturally would. Something’s on your mind. Your thoughts can’t help but wander. Where do they wander? Is it to thoughts of a significant other? A new romantic interest? Is it that old flame that still burns and singes your soul? Is it wandering to thoughts of finding that thing called love that everyone talks so fondly about? They wander everywhere. Currently stuck on the beautiful idea of a twin flame. “What is a twin flame?” It is a concept that can give you hope or break you down entirely. To those who haven’t found a remarkable spark with anyone, the idea that a greater connection and love brings happiness to them—also alluding to the fact that they haven’t lost their shot yet. Some have love and lost— sometimes they just so happen to lose their twin flame. How would they lose it if it is an even stronger bond/ connection/ passion than a soulmate, you ask? Well you never truly lose it— it becomes unavailable, unattainable, too difficult to hold onto. Not every lost twin flame is gone forever, but sometimes it appears that way. It all comes down to the two individuals who share that connection. Are you stubborn? Are you foolish enough to let your twin flame walk even farther out of your life while you’re settling for a lesser passion? Are you scared? Are you too blind to see that you’re losing them day by day? Are you too heartbroken to give it another shot? If so, you might just lose them. It is a little difficult to continue to try when the odds are against you. History is made, and sometimes bridges are burned. Sometimes those pained goodbyes are final. It’s not because neither of you feel anything for each other anymore— you might feel everything, but you’ll never tell…

The other day I watched a movie that portrayed this kind of connection. They broke up because it was necessary, not because the love had faded. It never faded, even after 20 years of being apart. They still thought of one another after all of that time had passed. When they saw each other after all of those years, the connection, the passion, the yearning for one another still remained. It’s not the conversations they had, or the things that they shared in common, or the things they knew about one another. It was the need to be next to one another, with no clear reason. It is the desire to see and talk to that soul, because it is the only one yours finds effortless comfort with. They craved each other’s bodies– not because their bodies were perfectly toned and proportioned, but because that body belonged to the soul they couldn’t bare to live without.

Of course the movie didn’t end well…. I just so happened to conveniently remember towards the end, that the writer of the story is notorious for creating sad movies involving deaths to induce tears and despair in the viewer.

Love

You find yourself more in love than you ever thought possible. There she lays, in your arms, perfect in every way. Every fiber of your being reacts in an instant to the reception of this precious little gift. She is your baby girl. You immediately acknowledge how fragile this little human is. In that moment, you vow to yourself right then and there, that you will do all you can to ensure that she is treated with the utmost care. She is a reflection of the love shared the night she was created. She is the product of the 9 months of cautious nurture and care of the beautiful womb that carried her. You felt this gorgeous baby’s kicks at night as your wife lay fast asleep. You anticipated her arrival, picturing how this new presence would change your entire world. What would this little bundle of joy look like? Smell like? Sound like? Interact like? Would she have you smile? Your eyes? Would you see a glimpse of yourself in her as her eyes sparkled with glee each time she saw your face reappear in a simple game of peek-a-boo? Many questions flooded your mind at night. Now everything has stilled, and the only question you have is right in front of you: “how will you let this precious child know everyday, without a doubt in her mind, that her daddy loves her?”

Days, weeks, months, years go by, and you see her grow up. She is everything you could have wished for and more. It’s not exactly what she’s done, or said, but in a way, it’s all of that. It’s the perfect imperfection of this little girl, the glimpses of you and your wife in this unique individual. Her smile radiates through the room. She has your blue eyes, she has your wife’s chestnut hair. When she wants something, she imitates your old puppy dog eyes that you used to use on your own parents– sometimes even on your wife as well (in a joking manner). She has an infectious giggle that brings a smile to your face every time you hear it.

One day she comes home from high school, and she tells you she met a boy. The smile on her face gives you the impression that this boy isn’t all that bad for her. You give her a light-hearted mock interrogation anyway, and ask her “does he make you happy?” “does he treat you right?” “is there really a guy out there perfect enough for my little girl?” Then you mention one last thing: “make sure that if he ever treats you any less than you deserve, you walk away, because you’re the most precious gift anyone ever could receive and he sure as hell better know that.” That night, thoughts race through your mind. You remember her first words, the tears you kissed away when she fell down and scraped her knee for the first time, the pride you had when she finally learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, the times you’d come in the kitchen and find her and your wife baking cookies, her first day of school. It all felt like it was just yesterday. Now she’s going on her first date. Your little girl has acknowledged the opposite sex in a new way. She no longer sees these boys as friends anymore. There is the potential that one of these days, she may even kiss one of these boys. That thought is tough to handle. This is your baby, the one you held in your arms. You face the fact that your little girl is now a sexual being, but with that comes primal intentions. How do you know this young boy will treat your daughter right, when all of his urges arise from such an primal place. Will he be able to control himself? On the other hand… will your little girl want him to control himself? A first kiss is enough to think about, but then there is so much more that could follow. Your sweet little baby’s body is seen as a sexual object now. Guys want to touch her and she wants to touch them too. Your darling’s sweet little hands and mouth may go places that would make you cringe. Picturing these things makes you sick. She’s your baby. The little girl that is only meant to be held by your loving, fatherly hands. It was only days ago that she was too small, to young, to walk on her own. So you held her in your arms for hours, staring at that spectacular little face. Your love for her was unconditional from the start, and will remain so until the end. You think of how the guys she will encounter won’t see her in the same light you have. Their love for her, if even love, won’t be unconditional for sure. Some will expect things of her. Some things you don’t even want to think about. The thoughts are put on pause, because you realize you’ll go crazy if you continue to let them ruminate.

So more days, weeks, months, years go by. Your little girl is officially a sexual being now (not that she wasn’t in the first place). There are many things that have happened that she hasn’t told you. She’s had her first kiss, she has experienced much more than that…, and she has gone through heartbreak. Guys have treated her with disrespect– she walked away just like you told her to— though sometimes she didn’t acknowledge it soon enough. The first boy to see your little angel’s unclothed, uncovered, innocent, bare body, trivialized it by jerking off to porn the following night. That boy that gave her her first kiss also gave her her first heartbreak when he cheated on her with a sexy cheerleader while he was intoxicated at a high school party. She dated the nice guys, the good guys, the losers, the jerks, the jocks. She also found the love of her life along the way, who treats her well, loves her in every way possible, and brings out the best in her every day. He’s the boy she’s bringing to thanksgiving when she comes home during the break. Little do you know, he’s the one. He encapsulates everything you could have ever wished for in a man that would hold your daughters heart.

Now don’t feel too relieved, there was another who almost won her heart before she fell for your new potential son-in-law. With this other man, things appeared to be perfectly fine. He was successful and had a fairly good income. He knew that this beautiful girl was too good for him. Yet when a problem would arise, he would blame her, he’d go into denial and would never apologize for his actions. Sometimes he would apologize— but only when it benefited him. If they would have married, he would have barked the words “get out of MY house” when he was frustrated. He would say things to tear her down, not build her up. Any accomplishment of hers would be overlooked. When enraged, he’d bring fear into your little girl’s heart. She would run to the closest room and lock herself inside until he had calmed down. He’s the one who would have stormed out of the house at  2 am in the morning, slamming the door behind him, screeching the car tires as he peeled out of the drive way. He would have been the one to bring doubt, fear, and sadness to your little girl’s heart those nights, making her ask why she deserved this treatment.

No one “deserves” to be treated that way. In this alternate ending, your little girl just found herself in a bad situation. Could you have imagined though, the heartache you would have felt for your little girl if it had gone that way? Wouldn’t you have wanted to walk straight up to that evil man and look him right in the eye and tell him off? Tell him he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing and precious as your little girl?

What if I told you there is a simple way to make sure that this never happens to your daughter/ future daughter? No one would ever break the heart of your bundle of joy, and it involves only one simple task: Treat everyone else’s baby girls with care. That woman you slept with tonight, that girl you’ve been planning to bang, the girl you cheated on when you were younger, the girl you only intend to sleep with. All of them are someone’s baby girl. Treat them as so. If not, how would you ever expect someone else to treat your’s with the utmost care?